How to Date a Guy when His Best Friend Likes You

Last Updated: January 31, 2023 References

Being in a relationship on its own can be complicated, and it takes a lot of effort to build and maintain it. But when your boyfriend’s best friend starts showing interest in you, it can make things even more difficult. Since a close friendship and your relationship are at stake, you might get scared and struggle to find a solution. However, once you are sure of his best friend’s interest in you, you can simply show him through your actions that you are not interested, or choose to verbally communicate the situation without hurting him or your relationship with your boyfriend.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Dealing with the Situation Indirectly

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Make your choice clear. Regardless of how direct or indirect the best friend is in his interest, show him who your choice is and that you are committed to it.^{[1]
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Expert Source

LeTisha Underwood
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 14 December 2021.} When you, your boyfriend and his best friend are hanging out, make sure to always be closer to your boyfriend and pay attention to him only.^{[2]
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Research source} Even if you don’t need to verbalize it, your actions will show that you love your boyfriend and have no interest in anyone else.
- Don’t hesitate to be physically affectionate with your boyfriend in front of his best friend, but try not to make it obvious, or it'll seem like you're trying to rub it in. Hold your boyfriend’s hand, wrap your arm around his arm, or hug him affectionately.
- Make sure it’s not over the board and is not intended to hurt or make the friend jealous but to merely indicate your choice of a partner.
2
Turn down his flirty moves. It’s very important that you do not flirt back with your guy’s best friend. Even if he is making advances, don’t try to be polite by reciprocating them. This will only give him the wrong impression. Instead, keep your distance and reply kindly but briefly and without much enthusiasm.^{[3]
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- When he pays you a compliment, simply say, “Thanks,” or a strict "Thank you" and change the topic to your boyfriend - “Have you seen Mateo, by the way?” or “Mateo and I saw this action movie this weekend; it was amazing!”
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3
Try to keep physical contact to a minimum. If he always goes for a cordial hug, try extending your hand next time for a handshake. If he randomly touches your shoulder or arm in the middle of a conversation, gently move backward to point out your discomfort or use body language: get really irritated quickly, or fold your arms and ankle-lock your feet.^{[4]
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- Don’t forget that you are not being rude, but simply establishing your physical boundaries without confronting him.
4
Keep an emotional distance by avoiding personal topics. Even if you want to be friends with your guy’s best friend, don't go to him about any problems that arise in you and your boyfriend's relationship. If you do so, he can easily interpret it as an invitation to become romantically involved with you even if you just want to talk and get a friend’s advice.
- Avoid opening up to him about deep, emotional issues you might have, at least until after he gets over you. Instead, stick to small talk and topics that are relevant to him and your boyfriend together.
5
Ignore the situation and keep your distance. You might be scared that if you verbalize the situation to your boyfriend or to his best friend, things might get weird or their friendship might get hurt. Or you might still be unsure if it’s such a big deal that it requires verbal confrontation. All of these concerns are valid, and if you’d like to avoid confrontation, you can simply ignore the best friend’s interest and continue being committed to and affectionate with your boyfriend, while turning down all of the friend’s advances.
- Distance yourself from the friend and keep your relationship with him cordial but reserved, and over time he might get the clue that he has no shot with you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Talking to the Best Friend

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Ask to talk with the best friend. Perhaps your guy’s best friend is really getting on your nerves with his flirty moves, and you want to address it with him instead of ignoring it. Or perhaps he has already confessed his feelings for you, in which case you have no option but to give a response. In either case, ask to talk in private with him, although you might want to choose a public place and not one of your rooms in order to avoid giving a wrong impression.
- Say, “Do you have a minute to talk?”, or bring it up when you two are hanging out, which at this point should not be happening except rarely.
- You could also bring it up when he makes a flirty move, such as when he compliments you or asks to an activity with you alone.
2
Tell the friend how you feel. If he hasn’t verbally asked you out, it might get a little awkward to address the situation. Start by saying how his moves make you feel: “I am really flattered by your compliments, but they make me feel a bit uncomfortable.” Go on to state your intentions: “I just want to make sure that you know I only see you as a friend and there is no chance of anything further.” Be clear and specific, keeping a kind tone.^{[5]
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- You can also add, “I might have misinterpreted the situation but I just wanted to make this clear anyways so we are on the same page.”
- Use “I” statements and don’t come across as accusatory.^{[6]
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3
Be kind and stay on good terms. It is important to remember that he is your boyfriend’s best friend, which is to say he probably means a lot to your boyfriend and will likely be in your life as long as you are in this relationship. Keeping this in mind, keep your conversation polite and friendly, and emphasize that you want to stay on good terms.
- You can say, “I really value your friendship with Matt and I wouldn’t want any of our relationships to be badly affected. I’d love to hang out all of together, but let’s keep it at that.”
4
Be firm in your decision. Although staying on good terms with your guy’s best friend is important, you should still be firm in telling him to stop making advances.^{[7]
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Expert Source

LeTisha Underwood
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 14 December 2021.} After having the conversation, you might think you two are cool and start acting friendly, but if he had feelings for you at some point, they might get rekindled and he might get his hopes up again.
- Remember to keep your distance and be firm if he ever tries to flirt with you next time.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Talking to Your Boyfriend

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Open up the issue to your boyfriend. Honesty is a key element in a relationship.^{[8]
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Research source} If his best friend’s interest is bothering you, you might want to consider letting your boyfriend know about it.^{[9]
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Expert Source

LeTisha Underwood
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 14 December 2021.}
- If you haven’t talked to his friend yet, you can share that you’ve been feeling uncomfortable by his friend’s attention and wanted to let him know because you value honesty.
- If you already had the talk with the best friend, you should tell your boyfriend how it went. Keeping things transparent with your boyfriend will help avoid any future misunderstanding that you might have done things behind his back.
- Note that if his best friend openly asked you out or told you about his feelings, it is almost never safe to keep this from your boyfriend. He might find out later and feel betrayed that you and his best friend kept something so big from him.
2
Assure your boyfriend of your commitment. After you mention a competitor who is so close to him, your boyfriend might get insecure about losing you. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you have absolutely no interest in anyone else but him.
- If he gets jealous of his best friend’s interest in you, tell him that it is not your fault and that you made your boundaries clear to the friend (either verbally or through your actions). At this point, he should trust you, and if he doesn’t, it might be an indicator of a bigger problem in your relationship.^{[10]
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3
Be ready for the consequences. You should know that confronting the situation with your boyfriend, his best friend, or both will likely involve some consequences. Once he knows, your boyfriend might get in a fight with his best friend, which may or may not end their friendship.
- If their friendship ends, know that it is not your fault, but also try not to intentionally contribute to the end of their friendship by talking bad about the friend or ordering your boyfriend to cut his ties. If you do so, he might resent you for it later.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Moving Forward

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Spend less time with the best friend, at least initially. After confronting the situation, things might get awkward among the three of you. This is only natural and giving each other some space is often the best solution. Try to limit the time you and your boyfriend spend with his best friend, at least for a while. The two of them can hang out anytime, but try not to always join them. Physical distance will help cool things down.
2
Give the friend emotional space. As frustrating as it might be to get hit on by your guy’s best friend, try to see the situation from his perspective. He probably had feelings for you and has just gotten a rejection. Try to give him some emotional space to get over his crush on you.^{[11]
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Research source} Don’t expect everything to return to normal quickly; it is natural if he acts cold around you, since it is not always easy to handle rejection. Don’t feel bad about turning him down, but also respect his feelings.
3
Avoid shoving your relationship in his face. Along with respecting the friend’s feelings, be mindful of how your actions might make him feel. Don’t get overly touchy or exchange lovey-dovey comments with your boyfriend in front of him, as it might hurt his feelings and make him jealous. It is one thing to let him know who you are with, and another to shove it in his face on every single opportunity.
4
Keep it cool and move on. After giving the friend some space and while watching your boundaries, see if you can leave this in the past and move on. Hopefully, he is still your boyfriend’s friend and you all can still hang out without getting stuck on this situation. Try not to magnify it and instead focus on rebuilding you and your boyfriend’s connection with the best friend.^{[12]
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Research source} You might see that the friend is getting over his crush and actually respecting your relationship.

Community Q&A

Question

What if the friend goes to the school counselor about it and tells her everything, and my boyfriend gets in trouble?

Community Answer

What would your boyfriend be getting in trouble for? Unless your school has a policy against students dating, there's no rule against someone dating their friend's crush (though it may break unstated "friend codes", depending on the friend circle). If your boyfriend and his friend are having enough conflict over this for his friend to start trying to get him in trouble or keep him away from you, then it's likely the friend is struggling with severe jealousy, and it would be a good idea to keep distance from the friend.