How to Win Back Your First Love

Co-authored by Julia McCurley and Kira Jan

Last Updated: October 18, 2021 References

First love can be beautiful, terrifying, and totally life-changing. Even after all this time, you still feel something when you hear the song you shared, drive down their old street, or see their face pop up on social media. If you’re still thinking about that special “one that got away” and wondering if you can make it work, why not go for it? We know it can be a little intimidating to reach out, so we’ve created a step-by-step guide to winning back your first love.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Setting Priorities and Expectations

1
Try to pinpoint factors that led to the relationship ending. Even though it’s not easy, getting an idea of past problems in your relationship will help you work on yourself. The reasons you broke up also impact whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together. Couples commonly break up because of mismatches in priorities/expectations and differences in how fast they’re moving through different phases of life. The good news is, your priorities might be more aligned with your first love’s now!^{[1]
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- Check in with the past and present versions of yourself: “How have my priorities or expectations for a partner changed?”
- Consider your stage of life: “Am I ready to date right now? Am I ready for a relationship?”
- Ask yourself about commitment: “What am I willing to commit to? What do I expect my partner to want to commit to?”
- If you broke up because your partner was abusive (emotionally or physically), be extremely cautious about trying to start a relationship again. While abusers can change, it takes decades for them to fully own up to their wrongdoings.^{[2]
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  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
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2
Manage your expectations for the relationship. How long has it been since you’ve seen your first love? Reflect on the ways you’ve changed since then and understand that your ex might have changed just as much—or more! Embrace the exciting mindset of connecting as the present versions of yourselves, rather than trying to connect with past versions of each other.^{[3]
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- Ask yourself: “What do I hope to get out of this relationship?”
- Look them up on social media if possible to get an idea of whether they have a partner or family already.
- If your ex has a spouse already, let your first love go. Remember that there’s no “perfect partner” (including your first love!) which means you will still be able to find the happiness you deserve with someone else.^{[4]
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3
Work on yourself mentally and emotionally. Reach out to friends and family in your life to boost your support network and help you create an independent, thriving life that’s ready for partnership. If you’re interested in reconnecting out of loneliness, understand that entering a romantic relationship might not immediately solve your problems. As you work towards a happier version of yourself, consider working with a therapist to better get in touch with how you feel.^{[5]
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- Start a ritual to process emotions like meditating or keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings.^{[6]
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- Spend time doing the things you love and pursuing your passions so you can show your ex you're someone who can put effort into your life and future relationships.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Julia McCurley
  Certified Professional Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Reaching out to Your Ex

1
Find your ex’s contact information. Start by searching for their full name online or on a social media platform. Add any relevant information (like a hometown, birth year, job title, or nickname) to your query. Look through school alumni databases, professional networking sites, or reach out to shared friends to find a good phone number or email. Feel free to reach out directly through social media if you can find a profile.^{[8]
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2
Contact your ex and ask to catch up. Just send one text, email, or phone call to say “hi” rather than jumping straight into the conversation about getting back together. If they don’t respond, just be patient and give them more time, rather than coming on too strong with multiple calls, texts, etc. It might seem scary to reach out, especially if it’s been a while, but shift your perspective and realize that they might be super glad to hear from you!^{[9]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
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- Acknowledge that it’s been a while since you talked. When you reach out, throw in the phrase “throwback,” “reconnect,” or “blast from the past.”
- Confidently ask to talk in-person (or just to have a longer conversation via video call or phone): “I’d love to catch up with you some time. Let me know whenever’s easiest for you.”
- Make them feel comfortable by giving them an easy way to say they’re not ready: “If you’re not ready to talk, I totally understand. Just let me know!”
3
Get the scoop on where they’re at in life. Connect on a human level first before you move onto your past relationship. Ask about their family, work, and interests to hear how they’ve grown and changed since your relationship ended. It might feel a little awkward at first, but once you start talking, you’ll be able to find your groove again.^{[10]
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Research source} As they talk about their life, you’ll also be able to find out if they’re single.
- “Hey I remember you used to be really into kitesurfing. Are you still doing that?”
- “What are you looking forward to this week?”
- “How’re your parents doing?”
4
Reconnect over shared interests and your history together. Bring up your favorite memories from the relationship, and start a conversation reminiscing about those times. It’ll be fun and sweet, and as a bonus, studies find that nostalgia reinforces positive feelings about relationships.^{[11]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- “I went downtown yesterday and saw that little coffee shop we used to go to. Can you believe how different it looks now?”
- “What do you miss most about where we grew up?”
- “I have to say, I’m still listening to that playlist you made me. What are you listening to these days?”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Building a New Relationship

1
Look for signs they might be interested in a relationship with you. Pay attention to both the bigger cues (whether they have a family or partner) and smaller cues of flirting, like tone and body language.^{[12]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
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- Watch for nonverbal cues: casually touching you, making eye contact to show interest, a lot of smiling or nervous giggling, mirroring your body language.^{[13]
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- Pay attention to what they say: matching your level of interest in reminiscing about the relationship, asking questions about your love life.
- Remember there’s a chance they might be at a different stage of life now and might not be ready or able to be in a relationship with you. While that outcome may be tough, just try to enjoy the moment of getting to reconnect with someone you care about and who cares about you!
2
Take ownership of your past mistakes and explain how you've grown. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you’ve done something wrong, but in doing so, you’ll lay the groundwork for moving forward. If there’s something you need to apologize for, it’s never too late! Frame your statement by explaining you understand the situation, the impact, and describing how you’ve changed.^{[14]
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- “I know when we dated, I was really bad at communicating how I felt about you. I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you being in my life, and now, I’m working to make sure all the important people in my life understand how much I care.”
- “I never properly took responsibility for cheating on you. I want to say I’m so genuinely sorry. That was a stupid decision, and I’m really working on owning my mistakes now, in all areas of my life.”
3
Bring up getting back together, once you’re both comfortable with each other again. Wait until it feels natural again to be talking, which might take a few days, weeks, or even months. It’s tempting to want to rush the process, but try to enjoy the process of connecting (and maybe falling in love) again. Then, be straightforward and honest about how you feel. Remember, you’ll never know if they feel the same way unless you ask.^{[15]
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- “I want to be really honest with you and let you know I still have feelings for you. Would you ever consider getting back together?”
- “I really care about you, and I think we’d still make a great couple, especially now that I’ve learned from my mistakes. Will you give me a second chance?”
- If they say no, accept it with confidence and grace. That way, you’ll come off looking strong and avoid looking desperate. Give yourself credit for trying!
4
Go on fun dates to make new memories together. While you two share an incredible past together, focus on building a beautiful future, too. Approach your shared time with an open mind and treat experiences as “firsts” again and a chance to get to know each other. You’ve probably both changed a little over time, and it might take some time to rebuild teamwork and deep connection.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Try new things together: take a class together, try out a new hobby.
- Visit new places: go to a different restaurant, drive to a nearby city, take a weekend trip.
- Commit to spending time together away from distractions and screens.^{[17]
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5
Make plans for the future and/or figure out long-term logistics. You and your first love might have separate lives and social circles now, and you may even live in other cities. Those day-to-day details might seem like a lot to consider, but you can make it work. To create a relationship that can endure, consider the logistics of how often you’ll see each other, whether you’ll eventually move in together, etc.^{[18]
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- If you’d rather keep things slow and casual, that’s totally great, too! Make fun plans like planning a vacation, going to a new museum or concert, or throwing a party together.^{[19]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What should you not do to get your ex back?

Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Julia McCurley is a Certified Professional Matchmaker, Relationship Coach, and the CEO of Something More, Austin's premier matchmaking service. She has been creating happy couples in Austin for over 12 years and has helped hundreds of singles on their journey to finding love. Her blogs have been published on the Huffington Post, Good Men Project, SheKnows, Emlovz, and The Dating Truth. She also just published her first book, Game Set Match: A Professional Matchmaker's Advice on How to Win At the Game Of Love. Julia holds a BA in Business and Communications from The University of Puget Sound and received her Master Executive Matchmaker Certification from The Matchmaking Institute.

Julia McCurley

Certified Professional Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Don't sleep with him and don't cry to try to make him feel sorry for you. Stay away from his friends and family if your only intention for keeping up with them is to find out what he's doing. Do not stalk him through social media!
Question

How can you make your ex fall in love with you again using reverse psychology?

Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Julia McCurley is a Certified Professional Matchmaker, Relationship Coach, and the CEO of Something More, Austin's premier matchmaking service. She has been creating happy couples in Austin for over 12 years and has helped hundreds of singles on their journey to finding love. Her blogs have been published on the Huffington Post, Good Men Project, SheKnows, Emlovz, and The Dating Truth. She also just published her first book, Game Set Match: A Professional Matchmaker's Advice on How to Win At the Game Of Love. Julia holds a BA in Business and Communications from The University of Puget Sound and received her Master Executive Matchmaker Certification from The Matchmaking Institute.

Julia McCurley

Certified Professional Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Some things you can do is act super busy, like you have moved on and are dating other people. Also, tell him he deserves better than you or that your timing is bad. Try acting not interested just to know how much he wants to date you.