Building Emotional Attraction With a Man: Everything You Need to Know

Easy, effective strategies to increase emotional attraction with your partner (or soon-to-be partner)

Last Updated: January 19, 2023 References

While many relationships start with physical attraction, emotional attraction is the secret to a long-lasting bond with someone. Men form emotional attachments when they feel understood and accepted, and there are many tangible actions to boost emotional intimacy with your partner. Don’t know where to start? Keep reading for an in-depth guide on how to trigger emotional attraction in a man (plus all the signs that he’s emotionally attracted to you).

This article is based on an interview with our relationship coaches and boundary specialists, Jan & Jillian Yuhas, founders of Entwined Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

To build emotional attraction with a man, be an active listener, share personal experiences, and show affection using his love language.
A man feels emotionally attracted to someone when he feels understood and loved for his true self, so don’t be afraid to be vulnerable—it might encourage him to open up to you.
If a man is emotionally attracted to you, he talks to you late at night and is eager to meet up at any time (or anytime sex isn’t the forefront activity).

Section 1 of 3:

Ways to Build Emotional Attraction

1
Be an active listener. To trigger emotional attraction in a man, give him your undivided attention during conversation. Put your phone away, and maintain eye contact when he speaks; it shows him that you genuinely care and increases intimacy in the relationship.^{[1]
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- Remember small details that he shares with you, and try to bring them up in future conversations.
- Follow up with engaging, open-ended questions to make him feel understood.
- Avoid being judgmental–he’s more likely to open up to you if he feels safe and secure.^{[2]
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2
Move beyond surface-level topics and share personal experiences. One of the best ways to increase emotional attraction with a man is to be vulnerable. Share your dreams, fears, and beliefs to build trust in the relationship, but avoid sharing all your worries and concerns in one conversation–you don’t want to overwhelm him.
- Most men view vulnerability as weakness, so don’t expect your partner to open up to you immediately. Be patient and reassure him that it’s okay to feel uncertain or afraid.^{[3]
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- When he’s comfortable, connect with your partner on a deeper level by asking him questions about his past experiences and childhood.
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3
Show affection using his love language. Discover what he values in the relationship, and use his love language to connect with him in more meaningful ways. By adjusting your affection to meet his needs, you’re triggering his emotional attraction toward you and setting the foundation for an intimate, lasting relationship.
- Words of affirmation: leave him surprise notes, or offer words of encouragement during tough times.
- Physical touch: lightly touch your partner during regular interactions, or give him a long hug at the end of the day.
- Quality time: plan a spontaneous date, or try a new activity together.
- Receiving gifts: give him a special present that aligns with his interests or hobbies.
- Acts of service: find small chores you can complete on his behalf, or run an errand for him without asking.
4
Ask him for small favors. If one person is investing more energy into the relationship, the attachment level isn’t the same. Men form deeper emotional connections when they feel like they’re adding value to their partner’s life, so let him play an active role in the relationship (instead of doing everything for him all the time).^{[4]
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- Ask him to help you fix a home appliance, or build a new piece of furniture together.
- If your car is at the body shop, ask him to pick you up from work instead of calling an Uber.
- Before a party, ask him to help set up or run a last minute errand.
- If there aren’t any tasks he can help you with, ask him for advice about work, family, or life in general.
5
Give him space. While spending time together develops intimacy, keeping a healthy distance from your significant other is equally as important. Space is emotionally attractive because it demonstrates self-esteem, so work on being independent in your relationship.
- If you’re living with your partner, create a space that’s entirely your own. Clearly communicate when and why you need space, and carve out times for him not to disturb you.
- Take a mental health day away from your partner: visit a museum, read in the park, or watch a movie to rest and recharge.
- Start a passion project to maintain your sense of self. If you don’t know where to start, find your passion by exploring the things you’ve always wanted to try.
6
Be unpredictable. Most men are emotionally attracted to a bit of mystery, so don’t lay all your cards on the table in the early stages of the relationship. Be mysterious to leave him wanting more; it forces him to invest his time and energy in you, developing a deeper emotional attachment.
- Even if you’re in a relationship, ditch your normal routine to keep things exciting: wear a new perfume, send him a flirty text, or spice things up in the bedroom.
- Don’t change who you are to appeal to the male gaze, but step out of your comfort zone to feel more attractive to yourself.
7
Surprise him with an exciting date. Instead of going out for dinner or drinks, plan a mini-adventure that aligns with his interests. Thrilling activities increase emotional attraction because they’re intimate bonding experiences. Organize fun activity-based dates to leave a positive, lasting impression on him.
- Attend a comedy show, concert, or sports event–anything that will boost his heart rate and energize him.
- If you want to plan a more physical date, sign up for a kickboxing class, visit an amusement park, or enjoy a night at TopGolf.
- Plenty of meaningful date ideas don’t require much money: create a scavenger hunt, throw a picnic at the beach, or build a blanket fort and sleep there overnight.
8
Put yourself in his shoes, especially during an argument. To build emotional attraction with a man, show empathy during conflicts. Even if you don’t agree with everything your partner says, listen to him without interruption, maintain eye contact, and validate his feelings.^{[5]
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- Think before speaking. Consider how your words, tone, volume, and facial expression will make your partner feel to avoid hurting him.^{[6]
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- If you struggle with managing your emotions in heated situations, write down your feelings in a journal, or practice what you’re going to say before approaching your partner.
9
Improve your self esteem. Studies show self-esteem builds intimacy and emotional attraction.^{[7]
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Research source} Without a high level of self-esteem, it’s hard to be authentic and vulnerable in a relationship; emotional attraction grows when you’re unapologetically yourself, so accept who you are instead of who you think you should be.
- Take the time to reflect, heal from past experiences, and give yourself credit for your accomplishments.
- Boost your confidence by working out and wearing outfits that make you feel good.
- Emotionally attractive people aren’t afraid to set boundaries in relationships; a man who doesn’t respect your boundaries is probably not a great match for you.
10
Understand his attachment style. Everyone forms emotional attachments differently, so identify your partner’s attachment style to connect with him on a deeper level.^{[8]
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Research source} Ask him about his needs, and be patient if his attachment style isn’t the same as yours; some men are uncomfortable with affection and intimacy.
- Anxious attachment style: verbally reassure your partner about your feelings, and encourage him to chase his goals.
- Avoident attachment style: respect his personal space, clarify his boundaries for physical touch, and validate his emotions.
- Anxious-avoidant (disorganized): listen to his concerns, communicate openly and clearly, and be consistent.
- If your partner struggles to be emotionally vulnerable or make meaningful connections with other people, gently encourage him to seek therapy.
11
Be emotionally available. If you’re not in tune with your emotions, you can’t trigger emotional attraction in your partner. Emotional availability prompts security and fulfillment in a relationship, so open your heart fully and encourage your partner to do the same.^{[9]
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- Take things slow if intimacy freaks you or your partner out. But, thoroughly analyze your feelings to know if you’re ready for a relationship.
- When you’re emotionally unavailable, it’s easy to look for flaws in other people. Instead, focus on your partner’s positive qualities to build a deeper emotional connection.^{[10]
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12
Follow through on your commitments. To build trust and emotional attraction, prioritize your partner and fully commit to the relationship. Actions speak louder than words, so keep your promises or reschedule plans if something urgent pops up.^{[11]
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- To be respectful, avoid canceling a date the day of or canceling two dates in a row.
- If you cancel a date over text, be honest and offer a considerate apology.
13
Be a supportive partner. To trigger emotional attraction, support your partner’s goals and dreams. Supporting your partner builds a deeper emotional connection because it makes him feel empowered and understood.
- Let your partner know that you’re rooting for him with simple phrases like “I’m so proud of you” or “I know you can do it.”
- Schedule regular check-ins with your partner to show that you truly care about his life.
14
Express your appreciation often. No matter how small or large the task, express sincere gratitude toward your partner when he does something for you. Expressing appreciation increases emotional attraction in a man because it validates his role in the relationship; he’s actually being seen.^{[12]
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- Verbally express appreciation or show it with physical affection: hold his hand, hug him, or give him a gentle kiss.
- If you’re in a long-term relationship, find creative ways to express appreciation. Surprise your partner by planning a romantic evening or writing a love letter.
15
Compliment him regularly. Compliments trigger emotional attraction in a man because they boost his self-esteem. Compliment his personality to make him feel extra special, and don’t be afraid to be specific and detailed; the more personal the compliment, the better.^{[13]
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- Tell him he has a great sense of humor, superior taste in music, or let him know that he’s an excellent cook (if that applies to him).
- Be open to receiving compliments, too: even if you disagree with your partner’s compliment, express appreciation and don’t negate what he’s saying.
16
Be playful. Banter increases emotional attraction because it puts your partner at ease and encourages him to let down his guard.^{[14]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} To avoid relationship boredom, engage in a flirty exchange that’s loving and light-hearted.
- Crack a joke about yourself to show that you don’t take yourself too seriously; self-deprecating humor lightens the mood and makes you appear more confident.^{[15]
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- Make sure to tell a joke with the right body language: maintain a friendly tone, relaxed posture, and raise your eyebrow to up the playful factor.
17
Laugh at his jokes. Increase emotional attraction by responding to your partner’s jokes. Telling a joke puts him in a vulnerable position, so reply with a chuckle or smile to let him know that you have his back.^{[16]
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- Think of a quick witted comeback to impress him, and deliver your line with confidence.
- Even if his joke isn’t that funny, acknowledge what he’s saying with a simple thumbs-up or verbal response.
18
Connect over shared values. When you share common values with your partner, you strengthen your emotional bond and grow closer as a couple. Discuss topics like family, lifestyle, politics, and religion to get to know your partner on a deeper level.
- If all of your values don’t align, it doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble, but identify your non-negotiables in life and lay them out on the table.
19
Take an interest in his hobbies. To boost emotional attraction in a man, participate in his favorite hobby or activity. Even if you don’t have the best experience, your presence shows that you want to spend time with him, strengthen your emotional connection.^{[17]
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- Be enthusiastic when exploring his hobby; it shows that you’re making a genuine effort.
- If you’re attending a sports game together, dress up in his team’s colors, or show interest by asking him questions about the game.
20
Don’t force attraction. Emotional attraction takes significant time and energy to build, so don’t invest all your time in someone who might not have feelings for you. If you have to force attraction or affection, interpret it as a sign that he’s not genuinely interested.^{[18]
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- Consider your motives about the relationship: do you want to actually be with this person, or do you just want to be in a relationship? And, are you happy around him?

Section 2 of 3:

How do men develop emotional attraction?

Men develop emotional attraction by creating a bond built on empathy. When a man is emotionally attracted, he feels a powerful sense of care, responsibility, and sacrifice towards his partner.^{[19]
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- To develop emotional attraction, make your partner feel like a hero; men have an instinctive desire to protect so allow him to play an active role in the relationship.^{[20]
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Section 3 of 3:

Signs He’s Emotionally Attracted to You

1
He talks to you late at night. Long, late-night conversations are usually a sign that he’s developed an emotional attachment to you. Most people are more reflective and vulnerable at night, so it’s the best time to engage in deep, intimate discussions.^{[21]
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- If he’s texting or calling you after hours (and it feels like he doesn’t want the conversation to end), interpret it as a sweet gesture of trust and emotional attraction.
- Sometimes, it’s hard to tell if a guy’s genuinely interested in you, or he’s just using you as his therapist: set boundaries if you feel like he only vents to you about his problems and he doesn’t make any other effort to get to know you.
- If you’re unsure of the relationship, ask him if he likes you as a friend or in a romantic way: an easy, direct question is, “Should I see other people?”
2
He’s very responsive to your texts. When a guy texts back quickly, it generally means he’s attracted to you, but observe how he responds to see if he’s emotionally attracted. If he texts detailed replies or remembers small details from previous conversations, it’s a positive sign that he’s invested in you, and he’s actively listening to what you have to say.^{[22]
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- It’s definitely a sign of attraction if he texts you first, but don’t be afraid to initiate conversation to show that you enjoy talking to him too.
3
He’s down to hang out at any time. If he’s eager to meet up during the daytime (or anytime he’s probably not going to get laid), interpret it as a sign that he’s emotionally attracted to you. It shows he also considers you a friend and wants to get to know you outside of sex.^{[23]
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- If a guy is using you for sex, he’s only going to reach out to you at night, and he’s not going to tell you about his personal life.
4
He introduces you to his friends. Usually, meeting his friends is a subtle sign of emotional attraction: if he feels comfortable enough to bring you into his circle, he trusts you. He views you as a close person in his life, which is a major step in building a deeper emotional connection.^{[24]
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- Make an effort to get to know his friends, but don’t feel pressured to make them your friends.
- It’s okay if you don’t love your partner’s friends, but make sure to talk to him about any concerns or issues you have.