How to Ask Someone if They Like You as a Friend or in a Romantic Way

Co-authored by Candice Mostisser and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: October 3, 2022 References

If you really like spending time and hanging out with someone, you’re probably wondering if they feel the same way. While it’s sometimes pretty easy to tell if somebody is your friend, it never hurts to ask, especially if you want to pursue a more serious relationship with them. We know that it’s a little nerve-wracking to have this conversation, but there are a lot of ways to talk about it without any stress. Keep reading for a list of different direct and indirect ways you can pose the question.

1

Hint at it with a vague question.

Gauge their interest by asking how they feel. If you’re looking for a less obvious way to bring up your friendship, casually mention what you enjoy about your relationship. Bring up something like enjoying your time together or how you feel when you’re with them. Ask if they feel like that too to see if they view your friendship the same way.^{[1]
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- For example, you could say, “It’s really nice to spend time together with just the two of us, don’t you think so?”
- To find out if they like you romantically, you could ask, “I know someone who has a crush on you and they’re really cool. Can you guess who?”
- Sometimes, the other person will say “yes” just to be polite. Pay attention to their tone and body language. If they sound happy and have a big smile, it’s a good sign they truly like being around you.

2

Try saying something funny.

People usually laugh at jokes if they’re your friends. Bust out your favorite one-liners or goofy jokes that have made your other friends laugh in the past. If the other person smiles or laughs along with you, it’s a sign they’re interested in and support you. If they don’t laugh, it might mean they don’t think of you as a close friend or don’t have any romantic interest.^{[2]
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3

Shoot them a text message.

Skip talking face-to-face if you’re nervous. It feels a lot less stressful asking the other person when you can’t see or hear them. You have all the time you need to send a text, so think of what to say and choose your words carefully so it’s clear what you’re asking. When you feel ready to pop the question, send your message and wait for their response.^{[3]
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- For example, you may send, “Hi Amy, it’s Jim from science. Being your lab partner has made class so much better. Do you want to get together after school sometime and hang out?”
- If you want to make your message a little flirty, try, “Hey there! It’s Josh from the football game. It was so fun cheering our team on together! I’d like to see you again, so do you want to stop by a cafe this weekend and get to know each other?”
- Don’t get discouraged if you don’t get a reply immediately. Remember that the other person is probably just busy and can’t answer right away.

4

Tell them how you feel.

Open up first so they aren’t scared to talk. When you chat, tell the other person what you like about your friendship. Ask how they feel when you finish talking to see if they feel the same way. Since they might have felt nervous about the subject too, they might be more comfortable once they hear your thoughts.^{[4]
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- For example, try saying something like, “I’m so glad we’ve gotten to hang out a bunch this summer. You’re one of my best friends! How do you feel about us?”
- To see if someone likes you romantically, you could say, “I’ve had so much fun getting to know you during class, and I think I’m starting to like you as more than a friend. I hope you feel that way too?”

5

Call them on the phone.

This works great if you can’t see them in person. If you live far away or just feel a little too nervous to bring it up, get their number and call them. If you don’t have their number, see if one of your mutual friends can give it to you. Start off with some casual chit-chat about your day to lighten the mood before asking about your friendship.^{[5]
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Research source} Then ask them whether they would like to hang out together.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Candice Mostisser
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.}
- For example, you could say, “It’s been really fun working together in history class. Do you want to hang out as friends soon? We could hit up the mall on Friday!”
- To see if someone wants to go on a date, try saying, “It’s been so fun talking with you during lunch. I’d love to get to know you even more. Would you like to go out and get dinner sometime so it’s just us?”
- If you’re feeling nervous to ask, take a few deep breaths to calm down before making the call.
- If you still want to see their reaction to you asking the question, try doing a video call instead.

6

Write a short note.

Something handwritten shows you really care. You can either write a long letter on a piece of paper or a short sticky note depending on how much you have to say. Just let the other person know how you’re feeling and ask if they feel that way too. Hand the note to them, leave it in their locker, or hide it in their bag so they can read it whenever they have a chance. Give the person a little time to respond, but don’t be afraid to ask them about it later in person.^{[7]
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- For example, you could write something like, “Hi Rebecca, I hope you’re doing well! I think we’re pretty good friends and I just wanted to know if you think of me like that too? We’ve gotten so close this year and I would love to hang out more sometime soon.”
- For a more romantic note, try saying, “Hey Susan, you actually made math class fun when we worked together. It was so nice goofing around with you and I’d love to get to know you more. Do you want to go bowling with me this weekend?”

7

Send them a GIF or meme.

Pictures keep the mood light and fun! Search for terms like “besties” or “friends” and find a funny or relatable meme you like. There are so many to choose from, so you should find one that fits perfectly. Drop the meme into a text message or online chat while you’re talking with the other person. Wait for the other person to reply to see how they react.^{[8]
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- Try to find a meme or GIF from something that you both enjoy. For example, if you each like animated movies, you may send a picture of Buzz and Woody from Toy Story that has the caption “You’re my best friend to infinity and beyond!”
- If you’re trying to find out if they like you as more than a friend, you can try sending a meme that simply says, “Do you like me?” That way, it’s indirect and can be played off as a joke if they don’t feel the same way about you.

8

Ask in person.

That way, you can find out right away. Even though it might feel a little scary at first, you’ll know exactly how the person feels about you. Find a time and place where you can get together in private so you feel a little more comfortable asking. Simply bring up your friendship and see how they feel about it.^{[9]
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- For example, you could say something like, “Hey man, I had a blast this weekend! You’ve become a really good friend to me and I hope you feel the same?”
- If you want to find out if the person likes you as more than a friend, you could try, “Hey, it’s been so fun hanging out today! I think we have a really good connection, so do you want to get together soon for a date?”
- Don't corner them at a party, on a subway, or in another place where they might feel like they have no escape route.^{[10]
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  Candice Mostisser
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.}
- If they need time to think, let them take it. Don't make them feel pressured to reply immediately.^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Candice Mostisser
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.}

9

See if they’ll do you a favor.

Friends love helping each other out. When someone does you a favor, it means they trust you and shows that they care about your friendship. Ask the other person if they can help out for a little while, such as carrying something heavy or getting a recommendation for a book to read. If the person feels comfortable assisting you, they may think of you as a close friend. ^{[12]
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- For example, you could ask, “Hey, could you do me a favor and help me pick out some clothes for the party tonight? I trust your opinion and want to look good.”
- Avoid asking for large favors, such as dog-sitting while you’re on vacation, unless you already know you’re close friends. Otherwise, it might feel overwhelming for the other person.
- Don’t ask for a lot of favors since it could seem like you’re using the other person for your own gain. Make sure you also offer to help them out and return the favor.

10

Have a mutual friend ask for you.

Avoid the nerves and let someone else ask instead. Reach out to someone that’s pretty close with the other person so it doesn’t feel awkward when they talk to them. Have your mutual friend casually mention you in a conversation to see if the other person comments on how they feel about you.^{[13]
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- For example you could have your friend ask the other person, “So I’ve seen you hanging out with Jeremy a bit lately. How’s that going for you guys?”
- As another example, your friend could say, “I was thinking about having a couple of friends over, like you and Jeremy. Do you like him at all?”

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I tell a friend that I'm not interested in them?

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

First, I'd validate their feelings and tell them that you know how much bravery that took. Then, I would just explain that your friendship is really important to you and that you don't want to compromise that. It's okay to be a little frank and straightforward too, but only if you think it's appropriate based on your relationship.
Question

What can I do to figure out if someone is or isn't into me? They've been very wishy washy about flirting and not flirting.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT
Licensed Relationship Therapist
Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post.

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT

Licensed Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

If they're consistently inconsistent, there are a few things that could be going on here. They might be the type who likes playing games, in which case it might be advisable to just be straight up with them and ask what's going on. Alternatively, they could be a naturally flirtatious person. In either case, pay attention to how they interact with you when a lot of other people are around. If they pay special attention to you and they seem to gravitate towards you, they're probably interested in you.
Question

How do you know if someone has feelings for you?

Candice Mostisser
Dating Coach
Candice Mostisser is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingman/wingwoman services, 1-on-1 coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. She specializes in coaching others on best practices and strategies to succeed on first dates and in the online dating world.

Candice Mostisser

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Pay attention: does this person choose to be around you when they can be around other people? Do they try to spend time alone with you? Do they seem happy when you come over to talk to them? Does their body language send signals (like, they sit with their knees pointed towards you when you're sitting at a table)? If yes, chances are they have feelings for you. But if you want to be sure, ask them to hang out together some day and see where it goes.

Warnings

It’s completely normal to feel nervous when you’re talking to the other person. Just be honest and open about it since your friend might feel the same way.^{[16]
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