How to Tell Someone You're Not Interested

Co-authored by Imad Jbara and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: July 15, 2022

One of the hardest parts of dating is telling someone you don’t want to go out with them. Whether they’re asking for the first time or you’ve shared a few dates, you likely feel uncomfortable telling them you aren't interested. However, you have a right to do what’s best for you, so be honest and direct about how you feel.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Rejecting a Date

1
Tell them you appreciate their offer or attention. This can take some of the sting out of the rejection. You don’t need to give them an elaborate thank you. A single sentence is enough to convey that you’re appreciative of the thought.^{[1]
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- Say, “Thanks for complimenting my dress,” or “That’s a really nice offer.”
- You don't have to thank them if they're making you feel uncomfortable. You don't want to send them the message that their behavior is okay.
2
Give them an honest and clear rejection. It may be tempting to be vague about how you feel in order to spare their feelings, but this will be worse in the long-run. In addition to leading them on, you’ll likely find yourself having to reject them again in the future.^{[2]
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- You might say, “I don’t see you that way,” or “That’s not something I’m interested in.”
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3
Avoid apologizing for turning them down. You don’t owe anyone an apology for feeling the way you do. Additionally, saying you’re sorry makes it seem like you’re pitying them, which can hurt their feelings more.^{[3]
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- Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested,” just say, “I’m not interested in dinner, but I really appreciate the offer.”
4
Don’t try to force them to be friends with you. If someone you're already friends with has developed feelings for you, it's difficult to let go of that friendship. Sometimes you genuinely want to be friends with someone you're not interested in dating. However, maintaining a friendship can be cruel to them. Let them decide what’s best for their life, just as you get to decide what’s best for you.^{[4]
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- You might say, "I hope we can still be friends, but I understand if you need your space."
5
Save excuses for when you’re rejecting a stranger. It’s best to avoid giving someone excuses, but they can be useful if the person is someone you just met. However, using an excuse opens you up to getting caught in a lie. If you’re going to use an excuse, choose one that doesn’t leave room for arguing, and exit the conversation as soon as you give it.^{[5]
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- For example, you might give an excuse if a stranger asks you out in public, as it provides an easy way out. However, if you have mutual friends in common with the person, giving them an excuse might come back to bite you if they talk to your friends. It’s usually better to be direct.
- Typical excuses include, “I’m not ready to date anyone right now,” “I’m seeing someone,” “I’m just too busy right now,” or “I just got out of a relationship.”

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Ending Things After a Few Dates

1
Plan out what you’ll say in advance, if you can. Knowing what you want to say can help you let them down nicely. Think about the reasons why you don’t want to be with them, then focus on the most important issue. Consider how you can share this issues with them in the kindest words possible.^{[6]
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- For example, you might not feel attracted to the person physically. It’s not kind to tell them all of the things you don’t like about them. Instead, you might practice saying, “I just don’t feel any chemistry,” or “That spark is missing.”
- Similarly, you might feel like they talk too much. In this case, you could say, “I feel like we don’t communicate the same way.”
2
Start the conversation by giving them a compliment. Saying something nice can ease the pain of the rejection, but don’t spend too much time telling them how great they are. Otherwise, they may question why you don’t want to continue seeing them. Also, your words might seem hollow when you reject them after telling them how wonderful you think they are.^{[7]
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- Give them a 1-sentence compliment, like, “You planned such a fun first date,” or “I really enjoyed talking to you about movies because you’re so insightful.”
3
Thank them for the dates you’ve had. This acknowledges the time they’ve put into getting to know you. It shows them that you’re thinking about their feelings, even though what you have to say might hurt.^{[8]
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- For instance, you could say, “Thank you for these past few dates. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you.”
4
Tell them things aren’t working for you. It’s up to you if you want to give specific things that aren’t working for you. If you just didn’t click with the person, you might simply state that. However, if you’ve gone on a couple of dates, it might be helpful to give them a more specific reason.^{[9]
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- Say, “While I had fun, I don’t see this relationship going anywhere. I feel like we have different goals, and we just don’t seem to be on the same path in life.”
EXPERT TIP

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach

Don't just ghost someone without notice. If you don't want to date someone, have the respect to tell them. Don't make them think that there's something there if you're not interested.
5
Listen to them if they don’t agree with you, but stand your ground. They may not feel the same way as you do, and that’s okay. It’s nice to let them share their thoughts on the issue, but don’t agree to keep dating them if that’s not what you want. Instead, acknowledge how they feel but restate your intention to break things off.^{[10]
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- As an example, you might say, “I can understand why you feel like we should go on another date, but that’s not what’s right for me.”
6
Avoid listing off the reasons why you don’t want to date them. Being honest with someone doesn’t mean being hurtful. In most cases, there’s no reason to tell someone what you don’t like about them. Doing so will just make your rejection of them feel worse.^{[11]
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- In some cases, you might feel like telling them why you’re breaking up with them will help them improve themself. However, keep in mind that it isn’t your place to tell someone who they should be. Additionally, everyone has different preferences, so what annoys you might be attractive to someone else.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you reject someone nicely?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Focusing on your own, be honest, be direct. If you don’t want to talk, have the respect to tell the person that you're not interested, that you're busy or dating someone, but don't ghost them. Ghosting means showing that you are not confident, or being disrespectful.
Question

What if a guy asks me out three times and I say no? After the third time, is it right to decide not to talk to him?

Danielle Husband

Community Answer

If he is constantly asking you out, then it might be best for you to limit your contact with him. He isn't respecting your decisions, which isn't okay. Listen to your intuition. If you think you should stop talking to him, then that's likely the best decision for you.
Question

My friend thinks I have a crush on her, but I don't. What do I do? By the way I'm 13, so it can get really awkward at this age.

Danielle Husband

Community Answer

It's best to talk to your friend about how you really feel. Say, "We are really great as friends, and I would never want to risk our friendship. I don't want to hurt your feelings because I care about you, but I'm not interested in being more than friends."

Warnings

Breaking up is always a hard, painful decision. However, it’s not kind to try to push the other person to breakup with you so that you don’t have to do it.

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