Talking Intimately with Your Boyfriend: Expert Tips to Help You Reconnect

Written by Jacqueline Hellyer | Edited by Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Do you want to feel closer to your boyfriend but aren't sure where to start? Exploring any conversation topic that makes you feel vulnerable can help you deepen your emotional connection. In this article, we'll guide you through how to establish emotional intimacy in your relationship and also give you some tips on how to talk about your sex life together. Keep reading so that you can approach these conversations feeling comfortable and excited to get to know your boyfriend even better.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychosexual therapist, Jacqueline Hellyer, founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. Check out the full interview here.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Building Emotional Intimacy with Your Boyfriend

1
Ask your boyfriend thoughtful questions. To deepen your connection with each other, take an active interest in each other's lives. When you're spending time together, be curious and ask him questions. Learning new and surprising things about your boyfriend will help you grow closer, and he'll likely ask you questions in return.^{[1]
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- Ask him about his childhood. You might ask, "What's one of your favorite childhood memories?"
- Take an interest in his experiences before the two of you met. You could ask him, "What were you like in college? How do you think you've changed over the years?"
- Be curious about his hopes and dreams for the future. You could say something like, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What do you think will be different about your life?"
2
Listen to what your boyfriend has to say. As you ask him questions and make an effort to learn more about him, be sure to listen to what he shares with you. To really take in what he's saying, practice active listening strategies like eye contact, leaning in as he speaks, and asking follow-up questions.^{[2]
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- Try your best to focus on what your boyfriend has to say, rather than what you'll say in response. Be present and take a moment after he speaks to think of the right words instead.
- Ask questions that help you gain a deeper understanding of what your boyfriend shared with you. You might say something like, "It sounds like you went through a lot as a teenager. How do you think those experiences influenced you as an adult?"
- When you're having an intimate conversation, avoid checking your phone and consider leaving it on silent. You don't want a text message to interrupt a deep moment the two of you are experiencing together.
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3
Tell your boyfriend something you've never told anyone before. Part of building emotional intimacy in a romantic relationship is making your bond feel special compared to your friendships or other relationships. You can do that by telling each other secrets or things you wouldn't normally share with other people. Though it might be a little scary, it'll help you get closer to him and will encourage him to feel more comfortable sharing with you, too.
- You might share a funny or embarrassing memory from your childhood that you've never told anyone before.
- You also might use the opportunity to tell your boyfriend about mistakes you made or experiences you had in your past relationships.
- You might share something like, "I haven't told many people this, but I cheated in my last relationship. It was a huge mistake, but it forced me to really work on myself so I don't do something like that to someone again."
4
Express love and gratitude for your relationship. You might think he already knows, but it's important to tell your boyfriend how happy you are to be with him. Let him know why you love him and be specific. It'll likely make him feel comfortable expressing why he loves you in return, and that conversation can really deepen your relationship.^{[3]
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- You might say, "I just hope you know how grateful I am that we're together. I'm so lucky to get to be by your side every day."
- Tell him all the reasons you love him by saying something like, "I love your sense of humor. No one makes me laugh or knows how to cheer me up like you do."
5
Bring up your future as a couple. Part of establishing intimacy in your relationship is talking about the goals you both have for your relationship. If you've only been dating for a few months and it feels too early to talk about your future as a couple, you might try talking about your general values (i.e. what a long-term relationship looks like to you).
- You might say, "I love the idea of taking a trip to a new place with you. Where do you think we'll travel together as a couple?"
- To talk about your general values, you could say something like, "I never pictured myself getting married, but I do like the idea of having a long-term partner."
- If you're ready to talk about more serious goals as a couple, you might bring up subjects like moving in together, getting married, or even starting a family. Just know that it might take a few conversations before the two of you decide what you want.
6
Use I-statements if you’re talking about a sensitive subject. Intimate conversations can strike a nerve sometimes, so it's best to approach them delicately. Lead with the positive if you're giving constructive feedback, and make sure to start your statements with "I" rather than "You" so your partner doesn't feel criticized or attacked.^{[4]
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- For example, if you're trying to encourage your boyfriend to share his feelings with you, lead with how his silence makes you feel so that he doesn't get defensive. You might say, "I feel a little hurt when you don't tell me what's going on in your head."
- To encourage him to open up, consider leading with the positive. Say something like, "I love how much we laugh together, but sometimes I want to have more serious conversations with you, too."
7
Be vulnerable. Resist the urge to hide what you're feeling or thinking out of embarrassment. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings, and try your best to communicate them out loud to your boyfriend. It might be a little tough at first, but opening up to him will help you get closer and might even encourage him to be vulnerable with you, too.^{[5]
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- Show your boyfriend who you really are. Be open about your interests, values, and goals in life (even the ones you haven't shared with anyone yet).
- Being vulnerable might feel like you're risking getting hurt. Try your best not to let this dissuade you from opening up to your boyfriend. Part of being in an intimate relationship is trusting the other person despite the risk.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Talking About Sex with Your Boyfriend

1
Bring up the subject when you're alone and away from the bedroom. Let your boyfriend know in advance that you want to talk about your sex life and find a place to talk that's secluded so that you have plenty of privacy.^{[6]
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Research source} Avoid trying to have a big sex talk while you're getting intimate, as this might put more pressure on the conversation.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- Try something like, "I'd really like to talk about our sex life. Do you think we could talk about it this evening over dinner?"
- If you have kids, wait to talk about the subject until your kids aren't around (after bedtime or when they're on a playdate, for example).
- You might bring up the subject while you're sharing a meal together or anytime you have your house or apartment to yourselves.
2
Talk about your turn-ons and ask your boyfriend about his. Be open and honest about what you want in bed, and if you're not quite sure yet, tell your boyfriend that, too. Getting vulnerable and expressing what gets you in the mood will help you both establish an even stronger sexual connection. It will also encourage your boyfriend to share what he wants as well.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- You might say, "I really like it when you kiss my neck. What do I do that turns you on?"
- If you're not sure what turns you on but would like to explore that more with your boyfriend, you could say, "I love our sex life, but lately I've kind of wanted to experiment. What would you think of trying some new positions next time?"
3
Share your sexual fantasies with each other. If you've got anything you've always dreamed of trying in bed, tell your boyfriend. Ask him about his fantasies, too, and talk about exploring both of your desires together.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- You could say, "I know we've never tried this before, but I'm a little curious about roleplay. What are some of your fantasies?" or "I've always wanted to explore being a little more submissive during sex. What's something you've wanted to try, but never have?"
- It's okay if you're feeling a little shy or don't know exactly what to say. Try to remember that your boyfriend cares about you and likely really wants to hear what you have to say.
4
Address each other's sexual histories if you're comfortable. This can be a surprisingly fun and sexy way to learn new things about your boyfriend. Ask your boyfriend questions about his sexual past, and be open about yours as well. Just make sure you only ask questions that you want to know the answer to, and provide your boyfriend with plenty of reassurance that you're super happy to be with him now.
- You might ask him questions like, "What was your wildest sexual experience?" or "Did you ever experiment with your sexuality before we got together?"
- If feelings of insecurity or jealousy arise, you might say something like, "That was a fun experience, but I'm so grateful to be with you."
5
Talk about sex in flirty and playful ways to get in the mood. You might consider sending sexy text messages when you're away from each other or giving each other verbal affirmations during sex. This can help the two of you get more comfortable talking about sex in a more positive and lighthearted way, and it can really improve your sex life as well.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- Text your boyfriend about what you want to do with him next time you see him and even add a cute selfie or sexy photo if you're comfortable. Try something like, "Been thinking about you all day. Can't wait to see all of you tonight..."
- Add flirty emojis like 😈, 😉, or 😏 to make your texts more playful.
- While you're getting intimate, tell your boyfriend if you're really enjoying it. You might say something like, "That feels really good" or "I like it when you do that."
- Only send photos if you're comfortable. There are plenty of other ways to turn on your boyfriend, and it's totally okay if photos aren't your style.