How to Get an Avoidant to Chase You

Co-authored by Julianne Cantarella and Dan Hickey

Last Updated: June 22, 2022 References

Avoidant people like to, well, avoid people—so how do you get them to chase after you? As it turns out, convincing them to chase you is about the only way to get with them long-term. Avoidants pull away from people because they feel misunderstood and fear commitment. When you accept them and show you can provide a safe space for them to be themselves, they’re sure to be drawn to you! We’ve put together a thorough list of psychology-backed ways to get an avoidant to chase you. If you’re ready to get closer to your avoidant crush or partner, read on!

1

Be a little mysterious.

Avoidant people like slowly learning about you piece by piece. Leave your life story at home on your first dates and only share what’s relevant to the conversation you’re having (it'll keep them wanting more). As you get to know each other more, you can open up about your life in more detail.^{[1]
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- Leave bread crumbs about yourself to keep your avoidant interested in you. They’ll think about you more intently (in a good way).
- Don’t withhold too much. An avoidant person likes a little challenge, but also wants to feel like they’re making progress towards figuring you out.
- Being mysterious doesn’t mean you can’t share your thoughts and feelings. Just share your life story in chapters instead of throwing the whole book at them.

2

Do engaging activities together.

Avoidants overthink and doubt themselves when they’re not distracted. Try doing something active or creative together, like a hike or painting class. They’ll get lost in the activity and it’ll be easier for them to build trust and intimacy with you.^{[2]
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- Recreational sports or outdoor activities like volleyball or pickup soccer.
- Taking a walk through a new neighborhood or park.
- A cooking, dance, or gardening class.

3

Compliment them.

Many avoidants suffer from low self-confidence or damaged self-esteem.^{[3]
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- It's difficult to compliment someone who’s pulling away from you. Do your best to say nice things about them even though you’re unhappy about their current behavior.
- Let them know they’re the only person you’re interested in. Say things like “no one is as nice to me as you” or “you’re the most interesting person I know.”

4

Use comfortable body language.

Open, relaxed body language makes an avoidant feel secure around you. It shows them that you’re receptive to their advances and invites them to make a move. Physical cues are less overwhelming to an avoidant than words — communicating these same things out loud might cause them to retreat farther from you.^{[5]
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- Lean in slightly while you talk, keep your shoulders low and relaxed, make eye contact for more than three seconds, and face them with your shoulders and feet to show your interest.
- Try not to cross your arms or let your eyes wander—it’ll make the avoidant feel nervous or unwanted.
- Avoidants usually have nervous or inhibited body language themselves since they’re not sure how much to interact or proceed with someone.
- Do some light touching on the arm and try to mirror their behavior whenever possible.

5

Let them be distant.

When your avoidant partner starts to pull away, let it happen. Avoidants believe that no one else gets them, and they need time to themselves to organize their thoughts and feelings. It hurts, but chasing after them when they want to be alone will push them even farther away since they’ll feel like their independence is threatened.^{[6]
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- It seems cold to let them wander, but for an avoidant, a little cold is attractive!
- Once they admit to themselves how much they miss you romantically, they’ll return.
- Think of it like fishing—if you pull too hard too fast, you might break the line and lose the fish. Alternate reeling them in and letting them loose a little until they’re comfortable committing.

6

Give them personal space.

Even when they feel close to you, an avoidant needs alone time. Metaphorically, they want you in their house but not always in the same room as them. Let them know you value independence and alone time so they don’t feel like they’re letting you down by focusing on their interests and careers. Accepting their difficult needs is a surefire way to make them want to be with you more.^{[7]
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- Barrages of texts or frequent requests for attention might overwhelm an avoidant. Discuss boundaries to see what they’re comfortable with—they’ll appreciate your efforts to understand them.

7

Wait for them to reach out to you.

The waiting game is crucial to convincing an avoidant to contact you. Let them meditate on you and your relationship and wait for them to initiate the next phase or first move. Even if they’re pulling away, there’s a good chance they still have feelings for you. When they realize you’re not contacting them, they’ll be afraid of losing you and finally give you a call.^{[8]
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- It’s hard to wait, so occupy yourself with hobbies that fulfill you and spend time with people who support you. Just because you’re waiting on them doesn’t mean your life is on pause!
- A little FOMO can work wonders. If you’re having the time of your life even though they’re not with you, it’ll drive them crazy enough to come running back.

8

Accept their spotty communication style.

Avoidants don’t need much communication to feel satisfied in a relationship. Try to be OK with this and stay patient when you’re waiting for them to call or text you back—it might take them hours or even days to get back to you. Remember that they struggle with communication and chances are they aren’t ignoring you on purpose.^{[9]
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- Try not to misinterpret their slow communication as cruelty or ignorance. When you accuse them of wrongdoing, they’ll take it as a reason to get even more distant.
- It takes time to accept and get used to this irregular communication. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t adapt right away.
- When an avoidant sees that you’re still there for them during their isolated spells, they’ll feel more confident in you and your future together.

9

Treat yourself and look your best.

When an avoidant is being distant, show them what they’re missing out on! Treat yourself to a clothes shopping spree or spa day, try out a new hairstyle, or do anything that makes you absolutely glow. You’ll pique your avoidant crush’s interest while investing some time in yourself (it’s important to do things that make you feel good while you grapple with their distance).^{[10]
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- Don't confuse looking good with attention from the avoidant. Tend to your appearance because it makes you feel confident—your avoidant would be lucky to be with you right now!
- If the avoidant sees other people giving you attention or hitting on you, it may trigger their FOMO and motivate them to reach out to you.

10

Take a break from social media.

Avoidants are drawn to people who don’t broadcast their whole life online. It adds to the enticing mystery you’ve built around yourself. This has an added bonus if you’re already dating an avoidant—they’re very private and don’t usually like having pictures of all their dates and outings with you online.^{[11]
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- Try not to post for a few days or weeks. At the very least, avoid posting photos of you with your avoidant date (it'll increase their anxiety).
- Overall, avoidant people use social media less than others as a way to maintain privacy and keep their romantic lives hidden.^{[12]
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11

Move at their slow pace.

Nothing scares an avoidant more than when romance moves too fast. It’s tempting to make the most out of moments where they let themselves get close to you (like saying “I love you” for the first time or asking them to move in with you), but it’s best to simply enjoy their efforts to get close to you without any pressure. Over time, it’ll make them feel safe enough to take a risk and chase after you.^{[13]
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- Rushing or pressuring them into anything—a commitment, a dog together, even just a date—can make them feel closed in.
- Respect an avoidant’s need for time to make decisions and choose to pursue you. After you stick it out, they’ll feel closer and more trusting towards you.

12

Tell them what’s working.

Avoidants isolate when they think they’re dragging the relationship down. It’s important to point out the good and meaningful things they do so they don’t focus on the negative. Tell them what you value about them or highlight the things they do that make you smile. When they feel adequate, they’re more likely to open up and pursue a relationship.^{[14]
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- Share how much you appreciate it when they open up to you (and reassure them you’re always there for them).
- Tell them you enjoy their company or that you always have fun when they’re around.
- Subtly acknowledge the sweet nothings and small favors they do for you that hint they’re warming up (a smile or squeeze of their hand is enough).

13

Show them you’re trustworthy.

Avoidants look for any opportunity to be disappointed or find flaws. This is how they justify distancing themselves and shutting other people out. Show them they can count on you no matter what by following through on your promises and doing what you say. When they learn they can trust you, they’ll feel more comfortable pursuing you.^{[15]
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- Only make promises you can keep and follow up on.
- Always be honest and open about your feelings.
- Match your actions to your words to prove you mean what you say.