How to Introduce Your Children to a Girlfriend

Last Updated: September 25, 2022 References

Introducing your children to a girlfriend requires consideration of how serious you are about this new relationship and whether it's really the right time to do this. Most importantly, put the children's needs first, well ahead of your budding relationship, to ensure that they'll be okay and able to cope with the new big change.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Assessing the length of your relationship

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Consider the longevity of your new relationship. Have you been dating for more than three months? Do your kids know that you are dating someone who is very important to you, even if they haven't met her yet? Consider whether you intend for this person to be in your life (and your kids' lives) next year. If so, it's probably the time to proceed. If not, it is not time to introduce them until you have greater certainty about the relationship's intended future.^{[1]
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Know what your girlfriend's expectations are. Once you are clear that you and she are planning to be together for awhile, talk to your girlfriend about your kids. Let her know how important they are to you. Let her know what activities, or preferences she may connect with them on. Begin introducing her to them before they actually meet, by way of talking about them often and in detail, so that she can feel more comfortable with the idea of you as parent.^{[2]
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Talk to your kids about your girlfriend. Tell them why she is important to you. Let them know what makes her special. Let them know that she is a special friend and that you want them to meet her, to get to know her finally.^{[3]
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- If your children are ready to see your girlfriend as their ally and not as a threat, it will help to create a strong connection between her and them.
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Give your kids notice of when they'll be meeting her. Don't just spring it on them. Let them know you are planning an activity for you all together next weekend, for example. Or, make it for the next time they spend time with you. Give them a heads up, to avoid surprises.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Introducing everyone

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Choose a relaxed atmosphere for both your kids and your girlfriend. An introduction might best happen through an activity so that you all have something to do together, and a reason to chat along the way.^{[5]
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- Depending upon the age of your children, different activities may be appropriate. Some examples may be: shopping for ingredients then baking or cooking together, going to the zoo together, a sporting event.
- It is better to choose an activity that will give you something to do where you can also interact. A movie will be all of you just sitting next to each other quietly, while going to dinner will be quite a bit of pressure to come up with conversation. These latter two examples will be good activities for later on, but not for the first meeting.
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Connect with your girlfriend before she meets the kids. This may mean meeting her outside and walking in together. Or, both of you picking the kids up together. Make sure that your girlfriend feels connected to you first, before meeting the kids. She is the outsider and will likely feel like a third (or fourth or fifth) wheel once the children are in the vicinity. If you want her to feel included, it will help for you to go out of your way for the first few months of her relationship with your kids.^{[6]
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Don't force or rush anything. Let them get to know each other at their own pace. And don't expect everyone to immediately love each other. This will take time; that's to be expected, is perfectly normal, and can't be hurried along. This is especially the case if your kids don't live with you full-time.^{[7]
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Warnings

Don't expect your girlfriend to assume any sort of parenting role with your kids. She is not stepping in as their new mother. Aside from basic adult-to-child interactions ("stay out of the street while your dad is on the phone"), do not expect her to or ask her to parent your child. This isn't her job and your kids will not like her assuming it.

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