How to Decide if You Are Attracted to Someone

Co-authored by Laura Bilotta and Eric McClure

Last Updated: February 3, 2023 References

Being attracted to another person can be a wonderful experience. Attraction stirs your interests and desires in a way that few emotions can. It just feels special! Figuring out if you’re actually attracted to someone isn't always a straightforward process, though. The human mind works in mysterious ways and we often mistake appreciation or platonic love for attraction. Don't worry if you're feeling unsure or conflicted right now—doing a little soul-searching before pursuing a new relationship is normal and healthy.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Examining Your Behavior

1
Note how often you think about the person. When you are attracted to a person, you may find yourself thinking about them more often than you think about other people in your life. They may even pop into your thoughts at random or unexpected times.^{[1]
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Research source} If you're not attracted to a person, they probably won't wander into your passing thoughts. Ask yourself questions like:
- Do I frequently find myself wanting to be where they are?
- Am I disappointed when they don't return my texts or calls?
- Do unrelated things in everyday life trigger thoughts about them?
2
See if you change your look or worry about your appearance around them. If you suddenly care more than usual about your physical appearance if you know you're going to see them, you may be attracted to them. If you want someone to like you, you’ll want to look attractive to them. Ask yourself:^{[2]
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- Do I care more than usual about how my hair looks?
- Do I spend more time deciding on which outfit to wear?
- Am I wearing more perfume or cologne that normal?
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3
Consider if you change the way you act when they’re around. If you like someone, you probably want to impress them. You may find yourself bragging more often or agreeing with things they say even if you have a different opinion. You may also feel clumsier or sillier than usual. If you tend to feel “not yourself” when you're hanging out with them, it may be a sign that you like them. Other behaviors to watch for:^{[3]
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- Do you feel like you can’t keep your eyes off of them?
- Are you nervous or feel strange when you make eye contact?
- Are you more energetic or self-conscious around them?
- Do you smile at them without even trying or thinking about it?
4
See if you’re suddenly interested in their interests and hobbies. Are you suddenly curious about theater just because they're involved in it? Another big sign that you're crushing on them is if your desire to be around them overrides any personal preferences you have. For example, if you aren’t a big country music fan but excitedly agree to attend a bluegrass concert with them, you probably like them. You might also do things like:^{[4]
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- Agree with their political opinion even though you don't really agree.
- Be cool with eating foods you hate just so you can go along to their favorite restaurant.
- Laugh at all of their jokes whether they're funny or not.
5
Check to see if your heart races or you get butterflies in your stomach. Sometimes, figuring out if you are attracted to someone is easy. If you have an immediate physical response when you see this person, you may be into them. For example, sweaty palms, butterflies in your tummy, and an increased heart rate are all scientific signs of attraction!^{[5]
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- Pay attention to how your body responds the next time you're around them.
- Feeling stressed or anxious can also be a sign that you’re into them.^{[6]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Exploring Your Feelings

1
Process your emotions and name them to see how you really feel. Feelings can be overwhelming and confusing. Try to name each emotion you experience when you see them. If you have fun when they’re around but don’t like the way they look, you may just want to be friends. If you want to be physically close to them, it may be genuine attraction.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
2
Ask yourself if you’re physically attracted to them. Everyone has physical preferences when it comes to romantic partners. If you look at them and think about kissing, hugging, and cuddling with them, you’re probably attracted to them.^{[8]
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- Physical attractiveness is subjective and different people like different things. Think about this person’s overall appearance to see if you find them physically attractive.
- Physical appearance can include facial features (such as their eyes, nose, lips, cheekbones), hygiene, hairstyle, attire, and anything else that affects their appearance.
- If you normally prefer people with brown hair, don’t automatically write off a blonde or redhead. Attraction is complicated! Your physical preferences aren't a checklist.
3
Name the things you don’t like about them to identify deal breakers. A deal breaker refers to a quality or characteristic that automatically cancels out the things you find attractive in a person.^{[9]
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Research source} For instance, there are some people who are totally grossed out by smoking. While this is not a physical characteristic, it is certainly something that can affect overall attractiveness. You may have physical deal breakers too, though.^{[10]
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- If you’re feeling a little confused because part of you really likes this person, but another part of you wants nothing to do with them, there may be some kind of deal breaker holding you back subconsciously.
4
Consider if you like the way they treat other people. How the person interacts with other people is important. Most people find kindness and empathy to be extremely attractive. If they’re a genuinely good person, you’re more likely to be into them.^{[11]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Kindness can be obvious, like volunteering to help those less fortunate. It can also just mean that they’re available to help out their friends or classmates.
- Seeing how they interact with others gives you clues about how kind and loving they would be as a partner.
5
Spend quality time together to get a better sense for why you like them. Hang out with this person more often and let your feelings develop organically. By participating in activities together, you’ll get an opportunity to figure out what you really like about this person. Spending time together will also help you build a relationship if that’s what you’re interested in.^{[12]
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- Actively listen to the person. Listening is an important skill that can help you understand other people and relate to them better.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Laura Bilotta
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
- Ask open-ended questions that require them to really open up and talk. For example, you can say, “Tell me about your childhood,” or, “What do you like to do when you’re bored?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Pursing a Relationship

1
Pay attention to cues that they think you’re attractive. Everyone gives off subtle, physical hints that they’re attracted to another person.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 7 July 2020.} If they make prolonged eye contact, look at you when they think you aren’t paying attention, or “accidentally” bump into you or brush your shoulder, they are probably into you.^{[15]
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- Other cues include holding hugs with you for longer than they do with other people, remembering random details about you, playing with their hair, or going out of their way to talk to you in bigger social settings.
2
Ask about their values and beliefs to see if you’re compatible. Think about all of their positive qualities and compare them to what you like about yourself. Do you both care about humor, loyalty, compassion, and creativity? If so, the two of you could make a great couple. Think of specific examples and try to pinpoint whether this is worth pursuing or not.^{[16]
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- Couples tend to be more successful when they’re on the same page regarding the way they look at the world.
- If you really care about spending time with family, but they keep talking about moving far away from home, it’s a sign that a relationship may not have legs.
3
Develop a deeper bond by spending more time with them. Organize a volunteer project, get coffee once a week, or join a club together. Look for new adventures and appreciate your time together. Communicate openly, make memories, and let your bond grow over time!^{[17]
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- It’s not going to be perfect all the time. It’s okay to have the occasional heated debate or argument. It doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to them.
- If they seem like they’re going out of their way to hang out with you, it’s a big sign that you’re doing something right. Keep hanging out with them to push things forward.
4
Tell them how you feel if you think the feeling is mutual. If you think they like you back and you’re interested in pursuing a relationship with them, take the leap of faith! Talk to them in private and let them know how you feel. You don’t need to make some big romantic gesture or anything, but you’ll kick yourself wondering what could have been if you never talk to them.
- You may say, “I just want you to know that I really value our time together and I like you!” Give them a second to respond, and ask them out on a date if they feel the same way.
- Don't take it personally if they don't return your affection. Say, “I understand how you feel and there’s no hard feelings.” If you were friends before you told them how you feel, let them know you’d still like to be friends.
5
Develop your new relationship in a healthy way. Give the relationship time to develop organically. Focus on open communication and respect as your bond gets deeper. Make sure both of you feel valued and appreciated. Go out on dates and do things that both of you enjoy. Life is richer when you’re spending time with someone you care about, so cherish every moment!^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Do your best to respect their space and not go overboard early on.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I know if a guy is attracted to me?

Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker, and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of experience, she focuses on helping singles date more intentionally, encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve. Her experience, skills, and insights have led to thousands of successfully united over 65,000 singles through events and one-on-one matchmaking coaching sessions. She has been the host of The Dating and Relationship Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto (AM640) for 6 years and is known as The Hookup Queen of Clubhouse; her popular singles club, Single in the City, has over 95.5K members who regularly join in weekly dating and relationship-focused rooms.

Laura Bilotta

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

If a guy likes you, he'll probably treat you differently than his friends. He'll make an effort to be polite, offer compliments, and get close to you whenever he can.

Warnings

Don't force yourself to be attracted to someone if you're just not feeling it.

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Don't ignore red flags, such as lying, verbal abuse, or self-destructive behaviors, even if you're very attracted to the person.

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