How to Deal With a Jealous Girlfriend

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: July 23, 2020 References

Dating someone who's a little jealous can be a good thing. Knowing that your partner is protective of you and would go to great lengths to avoid losing you can be comforting. However, past a certain point, jealousy can be a terrible drain on a relationship. If your girlfriend is distrusting you and interfering with your alone time, you may have a problem on your hands. Recognizing jealousy and dealing with it quickly is crucial for preserving your relationship before it gets out of control.^{[1]
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Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Recognizing Jealousy

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Look for anger or defensiveness when you talk to other women. A jealous girlfriend constantly fears that her boyfriend will leave her for someone else. This makes normal, friendly interactions you have with other women seem like grave dangers for the relationship. In extreme cases, this can even extend to your family members and mutual friends.^{[2]
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- Example: You and your girlfriend are enjoying a pleasant lunch at the local cafe. When you finish, your waitress brings you the check. The bill is only $14, but you're feeling generous, so you give her a $20 and tell her to keep the change. She thanks you graciously and leaves. In the car, your girlfriend turns to you and spits, "What was that all about?" You ask her "what?", but she won't answer and stays silent for the whole ride.
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Listen for lots of prying questions about your activities. A jealous girlfriend won't trust you to behave when you're not under her supervision. When she can't chaperone you directly, she will often try to keep track of what you're doing from afar. She may get upset or angry if you can't (or won't) give her an exact record of your whereabouts.^{[3]
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- Example: You and your friends are excited to enjoy a well-earned night out. Your plan is to meet up at your house before going to a movie. The night is a strictly "guys only" affair. While you're waiting for your friends to show up, you get several inquiring texts from your girlfriend asking about your plans. You field these for a while, but eventually turn off your phone for the movie. As you're leaving the theater, you switch it back on to find a string of frantic texts and missed calls asking about what you're up to. Your girlfriend is furious the rest of the night and gives you the cold shoulder the next time you see her.
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3
Listen for inappropriate questions about women you know. Jealous girlfriends may suffer from irrational fears that their boyfriend is being tempted by the other women in his life. Their desire to uncover the "truth" can lead them to ask or suggest things that aren't usually appropriate for casual conversation. These can have to do with the other woman's relationship status, her sex life, the nature of her relationship with the boyfriend, and so on.
- Example: You have a (strictly platonic) female friend that you've been close to since kindergarten. However, you haven't seen her for a year because she has been in a study abroad program. The day after she gets back, you meet for lunch to discuss her adventures. Later that day, when you meet with your girlfriend, she asks you questions that make you a little uncomfortable: "So did she get with any foreign men? Did she come on to you? What was she dressed like?"
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Look for signs of inappropriate snooping. Jealousy can make romantic partners stop respecting each others' privacy. Trust, which is the foundation of a strong relationship, gets set aside in favor of petty suspicions. If you uncover evidence that your girlfriend has been going through your possessions or your correspondences with other people, jealousy may be the cause.^{[4]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- Example: When she's at your house, your girlfriend asks to use your computer for a few minutes. You don't think anything of it until a few days later, when a friend asks you, "Why didn't you reply to my message?" You log into your social media profile to discover that several new messages are marked as "read." When you ask your girlfriend, she gets defensive and refuses to talk about it.
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Look for a tenseness or anxiety in her behavior. It's very difficult to be consumed with jealousy and not show any sort of external sign. Most people who are jealous of their significant other will gain a certain hard-to-define tenseness around them. Conversations may seem "forced" and happy emotions may seem somehow fake. Fights and petty arguments may become more common.^{[5]
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- Example: Ever since you went to your best friend's bachelor party, your girlfriend has been acting a little strange. You can't quite put your finger on it, but it seems like she's got something worrying on her mind that she won't acknowledge, even when you're having a good time together. When you ask her about it, it seems like you always end up getting into a fight about something unrelated.
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Search your own feelings for fear or anxiety. The way you feel can also tell you about the state of your relationship. Do you feel slightly anxious when you're around your girlfriend? Does part of you dread your meetings with her? Do your favorite activities and date ideas not seem to lead to the same sorts of happy emotions that they used to? There are many things that can lead you to answer "yes" to one of these questions, but if you've noticed some of the things above as well, jealousy may be the root cause.
- Example: You can't lie to yourself. You're a little worried about the road trip you're set to take with your girlfriend over the weekend. It's not that you're not excited to see Mount Rushmore — in truth, it's that your girlfriend's behavior has left you feeling on-edge lately. The idea of having yet another argument makes you feel emotionally drained and it hasn't even happened yet.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Coming to a Solution

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Be direct, but polite.^{[6]
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Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} Left unchecked, jealousy can ruin a relationship, so you won't want to waste time talking about it. Find a peaceful, quiet place to talk, like a bedroom or a secluded spot at a local park. Acknowledge your fears directly. Listen carefully and courteously to her replies before continuing with your own thoughts. Do your absolute best to stay calm and considerate.^{[7]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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- You might start the conversation by saying something like, "Lately, I've gotten the feeling that there's some tension in our relationship. Do you feel the same way?" If she doesn't bring up the topic of jealousy herself, you might follow up with something like, "Do you feel that I'm earning your trust as a partner?" Shift the focus off of her and onto the relationship itself to keep strong personal emotions in check.
- Being delicate is important here. Saying things that sound like accusations can hamstring your chances for working your problems out. For example, if you start by saying "So, why are you jealous of me?" you're immediately putting your girlfriend on the defensive and setting yourself up for an argument.
2
Be honest. While you will want to stay considerate of your girlfriend's feelings, you shouldn't "leave anything on the table" when you discuss your relationship problems. Being open about your fears and concerns encourages her to do the same.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} In addition, if she can tell that you're not telling her something that's bothering you, she may think that you're hiding something.^{[9]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
3
Minimize behavior that provokes her jealousy. The rest of this article assumes that your girlfriend's jealousy is unwarranted. However, even if you've been completely faithful, you may unknowingly be doing things to cast suspicion on yourself. Below are just a few ways to avoid putting unnecessary strain on your relationship:^{[10]
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- Don't compare your girlfriend to other women, especially in terms of looks. Many women feel pressured to be gorgeous all the time and will feel hurt if you point out ways that someone else is more attractive.
- Limit your displays of affection to other women. Friendly conversation is fine, but flirting is not.
- Limit your "crushes" on celebrities, models, etc. Appreciating someone's beauty on an objective level is fine, but constantly harping on it or plastering your house with their image is a bad idea.
- Don't talk about how you'd like your girlfriend to change aspects of herself. See below for more on this.
4
Accept your girlfriend as she is. Everyone has flaws. This includes your girlfriend and yourself. People are capable of change, but only gradually and with lots of conscious effort. Most of your girlfriend's flaws will be still be there in a few years — same as yours. Your girlfriend wants a partner who will accept these flaws as part of a greater person, not someone who secretly wishes to be with someone else. Assume that the core of your girlfriend's personality will not change much in the near future. If you truly accept this, she will know (and appreciate it).
- Keep in mind that her jealousy is one of these sorts of flaws that are unlikely to change soon. You can certainly work with her to assuage her fears and minimize her jealous tendencies, but on some level she will probably always be a little jealous.
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Be willing to leave her if her jealousy makes you miserable. There's no easy way to say this. If your girlfriend shows no sign of at least trying to keep her jealousy under control and that jealousy makes your relationship a tense, unhappy one, it may be time to call it quits. You never need to stay in a relationship that makes both of you feel worse.
- Breaking up with someone is never easy. While strong emotions are basically inevitable, there are a few things you can do to make the process smoother. See our article on the subject for step-by-step help.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I say to a girlfriend who's jealous?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Just tell her the truth about how you're feeling and be sure to listen to her when she explains her side of it.
Question

How do I ask my partner to open up?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Be the first one to open up about how you feel. Tell them about all of your fears and concerns. Then, ask them to do the same.