How to Date an Alpha Male

Recognize that women outperform men in many areas. If you are a woman who is attracted to men, you might find that the number of men who have a higher status than you is shrinking. ^[3] Women are now outperforming men in employment rates, education, and sometimes in earning potential.^[4] Be aware that there will be fewer and fewer men in the dating pool who are more successful than the women they date.

• On the one hand, this might mean more competition for the attention of confident, successful men. On the other hand, this might also lead to a redefinition of what "success" means in men: traits like kindness, sensitivity, and versatility might be valued more highly in men in the not-too-distant future.^[5]

Evaluate his prestige as well as his personality. Studies show that a person's prestige--or how highly a group values a person--might be just as important to confidence and success as a dominant personality. If you are attracted to confident and successful men, consider how highly a potential partner is valued by his colleagues, superiors, friends, and neighbors. If he is highly valued in his community, this is a good sign that he will be attractive to you.

• It is possible for somebody to be prestigious in one area of life and not prestigious in another. For example, perhaps he is excellent at athletic activities but not professionally. Or perhaps he is highly valued as a chef but not as a musician. Consider what areas of life are most important to you when you consider prestige.^[6]

Remember that most people are a mixture of "alpha" and "beta" traits. The myth that the world can be divided into "alphas" and "betas" has mostly been debunked. Most people are a combination of the two. In many cases, people can act like an "alpha" in the arenas where they are very successful and like "betas" in the arenas where they have more difficulty. For example, someone might be an "alpha" in his job but not in the bedroom. Somebody else might be an "alpha" in her political activism but not in her athleticism. Rather than looking for "alpha" traits, instead consider thinking about arenas that are important to you and find someone who is confident in that arena. For example, think about whether you want to find:

• Someone who is good at sports and athletic activities
• Someone who is confident in his creativity and art
• Someone who is successful at his job
• Someone who is talented at fixing things around the house

Be aware of potential downsides. While the traits associated with alpha maleness can indicate success, there might be some undesirable traits that come along with it. For example, he might be stubborn, reluctant to take criticism, independent, and overly analytical.^[7] If you are a sensitive person who values emotional caretaking, perhaps an "alpha" is not the right fit for you. Think carefully about what makes you happy in a relationship.

Try dating a few personality types. Not everyone is attracted to confidence and success, and perhaps you are attracted to certain kinds of confidence but not others. In order to determine what exactly you are attracted to, you might consider dating a wide range of personality types to see what you prefer. ^[8]

• Consider joining an online dating site to find a wide range of men to date.
• Sign up for an activity or volunteer at a nonprofit to meet a wide range of people who share your interests.
• Ask your friends to introduce you to new people you might date.
• Take a personality test to help you figure out what your own personality type is and who a good personality fit might be.^[9]

Stay safe when going on dates. When you are first getting to know someone, take measures to make sure that you stay safe and protected. Don’t go anywhere private with a person you don't know well. Accept dates that are in public locations, like restaurants and movie theaters. Make sure that you know the agenda beforehand. Consider telling a friend what your itinerary is so that they know where you are. ^[10]

• Trust yourself and your instincts: if you feel unsafe, leave the situation immediately and call a friend to pick you up.

Recognize signs of confidence. A truly confident person might not be the one who attracts the most attention or boasts about his accomplishments. Someone who has a healthy amount of self-confidence might actually be more likely to take a backseat sometimes, to listen carefully, and to learn from his mistakes. A healthily self-confident man will: ^[11]

• Listen instead of talk all the time.
• Be aware of what his strengths and his weaknesses are.
• Ask for help sometimes.
• Not judge others too harshly or be insulting.
• Be able to stand up for himself and his needs.

Recognize signs of narcissism and arrogance. Sometimes it can be easy to mix up the signs of confidence and of arrogance. However, the key difference between the two is that a healthy, confident man will be comfortable in himself and will not be easily shaken or angered. An arrogant person, however, gets his self-esteem from how others treat him, which makes him more likely to be demanding, domineering, and unable to listen to criticism. Avoid men who:

• Insult others in order to feel good.
• Cannot handle loss or criticism.
• Demand attention and praise.
• Speak over others or interrupt during social situations.

Ask him to plan your next date. If you are attracted to leadership and strength, consider asking him to plan out your next date to surprise you. See what happens when he takes charge over your next encounter. This is also a good chance to see whether you both are interested in similar activities.

Consider asking him to lead in the bedroom. If you are sexually attracted to dominant scenarios, let him know that you are interested in having him act in a more dominant way in the bedroom. It is important that you do this safely: be sure that you both communicate clearly about your desires and limitations and that both partners consent each step of the way. Make sure that either partner can stop the sexual activity at any point by using an agreed-upon "safe word." ^[12]

Participate in competitive activities while dating. If you and your partner are both confident, competitive people, find dates that allow you both to compete and act as rivals to one another. This can lead to excitement and sexual attraction. Be sure that you try your hardest (do not lose intentionally), and feel free to engage in some good-natured ribbing when you are winning. Some dates you might go on include:

• Playing paintball or laser-tag
• Going mini-golfing
• Participating in a charity race
• Playing a board game that requires skill, such as chess
• Be sure that your date is not a sore loser. If he has a tough time being on the losing side, that is an indication that he is arrogant, not confident.

Explore new activities and places. If you have found a confident man, it is likely that he will be able to introduce you to new experiences, ideas, and places. Try to enjoy exploring these new worlds with him, and perhaps you might discover a new passion or hobby yourself.

Watch out for controlling behavior. If you find yourself stifling your own opinions, ideas, and thoughts, you are likely in a relationship that is based on control instead of on confidence and trust. Never lose yourself in a relationship: a healthy dating relationship is based on mutual caretaking and making each other thrive. If your partner is not helping you thrive, he is likely not a confident person at all, but rather a controlling, domineering person. Signs of controlling behavior include: ^[13]

• Lying
• Bullying
• Talking over you or talking too much
• Distancing you from your loved ones
• Giving you the silent treatment