How to Create Sexual Tension

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: January 2, 2023 References

Sexual tension is that potent chemistry between you and someone else that gives you butterflies and makes you nervous and excited all at once. Whether you’re flirting with someone you just met or you’re trying to turn a friendship into something more, creating this chemistry is a crucial step. With flirtatious touches, witty lines, and plenty of confidence, you can ratchet up the sexual tension and get both of you excited for whatever comes next.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Creating Chemistry and Tension In-Person

1
Touch them in a casual, almost accidental way. When you first start talking to someone you’re interested in, start to establish touch early on by simply brushing up against them, or touching the back of their hand or shoulder.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 11 March 2021} You can make it look like an accident at first, then get more purposeful when you start to get more comfortable with each other.^{[2]
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- If the person returns your interest, either by continuing the conversation or even touching you in return, get more purposeful. Try touching the small of their back or grabbing their arm or hand gently to escalate the tension.^{[3]
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- If you’re sure of their interest, try lightly grazing the side of their face. To make it more subtle, say something like, “I’ve got to get that hair out of your face, hold on… there you go.”
2
Look into their eyes like you’re intrigued and excited by them. Sustaining eye contact is a simple way to ratchet up the tension between you. Don’t simply look at them; look right into their eyes and give a half-smile, like you’re trying to figure them out.^{[4]
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Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 11 March 2021} Glance away, then look back again.^{[5]
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- Looking deeply into their eyes shows that you’re invested and intrigued by them, which will in turn make them feel mysterious, attractive, and confident enough to keep flirting.
- Remember not to stare at them! Stay natural, glancing away from time to time, but allow yourself to make eye contact for a little longer than you usually would before looking away.
3
Start a low-key conversation to break the ice. Whether you’re just meeting this person for the first time or are looking to take an established friendship to the next level, your interaction should start at a place that’s comfortable for this point in the relationship. Bring up at topic you’ll both have something to say about, and encourage them to keep talking about it in a subtle, flirtatious way.
- For example, you could try talking about something around you by saying something like, “You’ve gotta tell me what’s going on with this drink. Do you have a name for that?”
- You could also try teasing them or giving a playful challenge. For instance, you could say something like, “Let’s make a bet. If I can push you in the pool tonight first, you have to give me your hat. If you get me first… it’s up to you.”
4
Tell a more personal or flirtatious story. Once you’ve broken the ice, start subtly introducing the idea of something more. Tell a story about a time someone was flirting with you and something funny happened, or point out other people who are flirting or teasing each other. Don’t be obvious about it; keeping the sexual undertone in the subtext will make it all the more alluring.^{[6]
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- Say something like, “Look at Amanda and Robbie right now. They’ve been flirting all night. How much do you wanna bet that he’s gonna ask her to dance later?”
- Try telling a personal story by saying something like, “The last time I was at this bar, the craziest thing happened. I was talking to this girl, and… well, I don’t know if I should tell you.”
5
Pull them closer and push them away, verbally and physically, to add tension. Creating a push-and-pull dynamic is one of the best ways to create sexual tension; you’ll show them you’re interested—but not too interested—then back off to keep them wanting more.^{[7]
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Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 11 March 2021} You can do this both verbally and physically to create an exciting, flirty interaction.^{[8]
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- Try verbally pushing and pulling by saying something like, “I keep thinking how sweet you look… but I’m not sure I can trust you.”
- You could also play a bit of physical push-and-pull by doing something like leaning into them and talking right in their ear, then sliding away.
6
Pique their curiosity by only sharing as much as you need to. An air of mystery is key to building sexual tension. Playing with their curiosity will intrigue them and make them want to figure you out. When they ask a question, answer simply, telling just enough to get their interest, then turn the question back to them. If you’re telling a story, don’t ramble on; instead, give it in short pieces, making sure to pique their interest before the next part.^{[9]
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- For instance, if they ask what you do for work, you could say, “I work at a marketing research firm. Right now I’m doing a lot of social media stuff. It can be pretty funny. How about you?” You’re setting them up to ask more about your job, while showing that you’re more interested in theirs.
- If you’re telling them a story, you can leave them longing for more by saying something like, “That reminds me of this thing that happened the other day. I saw this guy walking his dog down the street, and… you know, I don’t know if I should tell you. This is my best story, and we don’t even know each that well.”
- Don’t be afraid to use silence as well. When you’re flirting, falling quiet for a second can be a great tool, giving you a chance to use your body language and ramp up the tension without even saying a word.
7
Be confident and believe that they’re interested in you, even if you’re not sure. Confidence is one of the most attractive traits you can have, and exuding it can help ramp up sexual tension fast. If you don’t feel confident naturally, though, you can still fake it and reap the rewards.^{[10]
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- Try taking a relaxed stance. Lean on a table, keep your shoulders open, and cross your arms in a confident, almost cocky way. Smile and make eye contact, even if it feels too bold.
- If you’re struggling, try pretending that you’re someone else who’s more confident. Choose a celebrity, a friend, or even a stranger whose confidence you can feel. Act how you think they would until it feels natural.
- Put the idea of confidence in your head by repeating to yourself, They’re attracted to me. They want me.” Even if you don’t believe it, it can give you a noticeable boost of confidence.
8
Take things slow physically, making sure they feel comfortable and secure. Rushing into physical aspects is always a bad idea. If the other person isn’t ready for it, you’ll put them in an uncomfortable or even scary position. Even if they are in the mood for something more, going fast can make you look desperate and ruin the sexual tension. Instead, make sure that you both want the same things, and that you’re both feeling safe and comfortable.^{[11]
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- Say something like, “Are you OK with this?” or “I want what you want. What do you feel like?”
- Moving slowly can also be sexy in its own right. Drawing out your experiences together will make you both crave more, and the sexiest thing is knowing that someone wants you as much as you want them.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Building Sexual Tension Over Text

1
Tease or challenge them to make them want to impress you. Showing that you’re witty, funny, and interesting over text is a great way to create sexual tension. Send them teasing or even lightly challenging messages creates a push and pull dynamic—you’re showing them that you’re not totally impressed with them yet, which makes them want to get even closer to prove themselves. Send something like:
- “Wow, that profile picture… just wow...”
- “Let’s play a game. You tell me 1 thing that’s true about you and 1 that’s false and I’ll try and guess… and let’s have prizes too”
- “Your taste is the worst. You’re not allowed to watch any movies that i haven’t pre-approved first.”
2
Use emojis to add sexual tension to a regular text. You can keep the actual text of your messages on the safer side, but imply a more playful or flirtatious vibe with your emojis. Make sure not to overdo it, though! Using more than 2 emojis on a text, or going overboard with exclamation marks or question marks, can come off as desperate and make sexual tension disappear.^{[12]
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- Try pairing overtly flirtatious emojis with a more subtle text. For instance, you could add a smirking emoji to a message like, “You better be careful with me. I play to win.” Or try going in the opposite direction by paring an innocent emoji with innocent text, like adding an angel emoji to a message like, “Who, me? Flirting??”
- Only use 1 or 2 emojis per text so it doesn't get overwhelming.
3
Break up playful texts with something more serious or complimentary. Sending light-hearted, flirtatious texts are a great way to build sexual tension slowly, but once you’ve established it, mixing up the tone can really work in your favor. When you’re comfortable enough with each other, send something more serious or focused, like a compliment or a confession of some kind. Try something like:
- “In all seriousness tho, I couldn’t take my eyes off you last night.”
- “I teased you about this but honestly, when you opened the car door for me last night, it was really hot.”
- “I really can’t stop thinking about you.”
4
Talk about things you’ve done together in a new light. If you’ve been talking for a while, or were friends in the past, you can create sexual tension and a deeper connection by remembering things you’ve done together while adding an element of flirtation. Remind them of something, then admit something you felt at the time that you couldn’t express. Hinting at deeper feelings without expressing them outright will deepen the sexual undertones of the conversation.^{[13]
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- “I’m thinking about that first text you sent me, that line you used… like come on. But i guess I shouldn’t be laughing because look at us now…”
- “Remember how we met? You just sat down next to me and then were like, this seat isn’t taken, is it? Yeah, that was a good entrance.”
5
Use subtle innuendos when you start to get more comfortable with each other. Sending witty innuendos or hints can be effective, as long as you do it carefully. You want to give off a vibe of playful sexuality and desire without seeming desperate or creepy, which means relying on wit and teasing to make it work. When used right, you’ll get the other person into the same flirtatious mindset as you! Try something like:^{[14]
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- “I just ate the most amazing burger. It was almost sexual haha”
- “I had a dream about you last night… but I’m not telling what it was about.”

Expert Q&A

Question

What can I say to build sexual tension?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Try asking them a revealing question about themselves to be playful and flirtatious.
Question

How can I tell if someone is thinking about me sexually?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

They might stare into your eyes for a prolonged period of time or lightly brush up against you.