How to Be a Better Boyfriend

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: December 1, 2021 References

Maintaining a healthy relationship takes patience and effort, especially as the "honeymoon phase" starts to wear off. If you are worried that your boyfriend abilities have been slacking lately, or if you simply want to learn how to be an even better boyfriend, this article will point you in the right direction!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Creating a Balanced Relationship

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Be honest. If something is bothering you about the relationship, then let your partner know. Be sure to do this gently so that they don't feel like you're criticizing them.^{[1]
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Research source} If you need or want something, don't be afraid to tell them that! If something is bothering outside of the relationship and you need to be alone for a little while, or you need to vent, you should let them know!
- In return, ask them if there is anything that they wish you would do that you haven't been doing. This will keep both parties happy.
- Let them know if you are in a bad mood and need to be alone. For example, if you are annoyed because you had a bad day at work, then tell them that rather than taking out your frustration on them. This will prevent them from thinking you are mad at them or have lost interest in the relationship.
2
Don't cheat on your partner. Even if they find out and forgive you, it will be much harder for them to trust you in the future, which will undoubtedly lead to trouble down the road. Remember why you decided to be with them in the first place, and resist the temptation to chase after others.
- If you find yourself constantly tempted to cheat, then you might want to reevaluate your relationship. Everybody's mind wanders every now and then, but constantly lusting after other people is a sign that something is wrong. Figure out whether you are really ready for a monogamous relationship with this person.
- If you do cheat, then tell your partner. For some people, the lying aspect is even worse than the cheating aspect. Find the right time and place to let them know gently, and apologize for your mistake.^{[2]
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  Research source} While this may be difficult, covering up an infidelity will undoubtedly drive a wedge in your relationship, especially if they find out from somebody else down the road.
EXPERT TIP

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Have an open discussion with your partner about boundaries. Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a psychologist and relationship coach, says: "An exclusive relationship by definition means you are excluding other people from certain types of relationships with you. There's no single right answer for where the lines have to be. For some people, harmless flirting is just that—harmless. For other people, flirting with someone else might feel threatening or undermining."

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3
Be genuine. Don't do or say things to your partner just to make them happy if you don't mean them. This may please them temporarily, but it will ultimately cause trouble in the relationship because you are not being totally honest.
- Don't make promises that you can't keep. Give the relationship time to grow, and only make commitments that you feel comfortable with. If you think it's too soon for them to meet your family, then don't invite them over for Thanksgiving dinner. While relationships require a healthy balance, constantly compromising your own happiness for theirs will only lead you to resent them in the future.
4
Express your feelings. Don't be afraid of letting your partner know how wonderful you think they are! This will make them feel special and loved.
- Be sweet, but don't smother. Try to compliment your partner and give them the attention they deserve without getting too controlling, obsessive, or needy.
5
Know how to talk. Give your partner your undivided attention, especially when having a serious conversation. It is not only respectful, but it will show them that you care about what they are saying.
- Keep the conversation balanced. Don't be overly talkative or overly quiet. If you are overly talkative, your partner will feel like you care more about yourself than you do about them. If you are overly quiet, they might get bored with you or think that you have lost interest in them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Keeping the Magic Alive

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Make romantic gestures. Whether it is surprising them by cooking their favorite dinner or sending them flowers at work, small gestures like these show your partner that they are on your mind and that you care for them.
2
Compliment them. Everyone needs to be reminded of how attractive, smart, funny, or interesting they are. Don't stop complimenting them just because you have "won them over" and are already in a committed relationship. Do it because you mean it, and because it will make them feel more confident and loved.^{[3]
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3
Be open about sex. Maintaining a healthy sex life will help keep the relationship alive. If you are worried that the sex is getting boring or that your partner is unsatisfied with the sex, then maturely bring up the subject together.
- While this may feel awkward or difficult at first, it will be well worth it in the long run if it improves your sex life!
- Wait for the appropriate moment. Don't bring up the issue in public, in front of other people, or in a joking manner. Joking about the topic might make your partner feel embarrassed or insecure.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dealing with Difficult Patches

1
Learn to know when something is wrong. The following are signs that your relationship is suffering:
- You are fighting more than usual.
- They haven't contacted you in several days.
- Either one of you has totally lost interest in sex. (Remember that this could be due to a variety of factors, like a death in the family, personal insecurities, or excess stress).^{[4]
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- They continuously cancel plans without suggesting a different date.
- One of you has been dating/sleeping with somebody else.
- One of you suggests a "break." No matter what either of you says, a break is usually just a segue into an official break-up.
- Either one of you has become physically abusive. If this is the case, then it's time to end the relationship and seek professional help to cope with the issue. Never make an excuse for domestic violence.
2
Talk about the issue with your partner. The only way to fix a problem in any relationship is for both parties to first be made aware of the issue. Remember that sometimes people are totally unaware of their own behavior.
3
Reach a compromise. Once you have talked about the issue at hand and have both voiced your views and opinions, come to an agreement about what to do next. Come up with something that both parties can get on board with and feel comfortable with.
- If you can't reach an agreement, then consider couples therapy. Getting the opinion of a third party will help put things in perspective and allow you to rationally sort of the issue from an objective standpoint.
- Know when the relationship can't be fixed. If you or your partner are chronically unhappy in the relationship, then don't force things. Making healthy compromises to keep a relationship alive is one thing, but making yourself miserable to maintain the status quo will not do either of you any good.^{[5]
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4
Be patient. Some issues just need a little time to blow over. If you recently had a big fight, give each other space for a day or two. Chances are that the issue will resolve itself, and being apart will remind you both how much you care for one another.