How to Be Calm on a First Date

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

The thought of a first date can be very stressful. You may be socially anxious, think that you’re a bad conversationalist, or don’t understand why anyone would want to date you. These thoughts can cause major anxiety on a date. Staying calm on a date is possible if you get into a positive mindset, have some conversation topics ready, and remember the person is probably just as nervous as you are.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Changing Your Attitude

1
Get into a positive mindset before the date. Going into a date feeling negative or too stressed won’t make for a good date. To help combat this negativity, try to get yourself into a positive mood before going on the date. Do something before your date that makes you happy and boosts your mood.^{[1]
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- For example, you can put on your favorite music that makes you feel attractive or happy, dance around your house, or put on your favorite outfit.
- Focus on your positive qualities. Look in the mirror and give yourself a few compliments. List a few positive qualities about yourself.
2
Avoid dwelling on the anxiety. Everyone gets nervous on a first date. It’s completely normal. That means you shouldn’t obsess about your anxiety. You’re not going to ruin the date, and you can’t know if the date is going to be a disaster or not. Think about how often you feel anxiety and everything turns out perfectly fine.^{[2]
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- Instead of the anxiety, think about how it’s exciting to be going out on a date and meeting someone new, even if it doesn’t turn into a love connection.
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3
Be confident. Going on a date is a mutual decision, which means the other person wants to go on a date with you. This should give you a bit of confidence to help combat your nerves. Try to find ways to boost your confidence as you prepare for your date so you can be your best self.
- You can work on looking confident. Keep your head held high, have good posture, make eye contact, and smile. By acting confident, you'll actually feel more confident.
- Focus on your good qualities. It may be a physical attribute or a character trait. Remember, the person wanted to go out with you for a reason, so don't doubt that you deserve to enjoy your date.
4
Avoid having unrealistic expectations. If every date went perfectly, people wouldn’t need to date multiple people or feel anxiety. The reality is that some first dates are awkward, bad, or boring. That’s normal. Don’t let everything ride on this one date, and it may help lessen your anxiety.^{[3]
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- Just because your first date isn’t perfect doesn’t mean there isn’t a chance for a second date. Sometimes, it takes a few dates to start connecting well. Don’t get upset if the date isn’t going perfectly. Very few first dates do.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Planning for a Low-Stress Date

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Come up with a few topics of conversation. If you’re afraid your mind is going to go blank in the middle of your date, you may want to come up some things you can talk about. What do you both have in common? What are you excited about or interested in? Having a few ideas in mind can help calm you down.^{[4]
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- For example, if you know that you both like cooking, travelling, or being outside, think of a few questions or stories you can tell dealing with those topics.
2
Pick a date location that makes you feel comfortable. Though you may want to do something fun on your date, you shouldn’t do something new that will make you even more uncomfortable. You want to go to a place you're somewhat familiar and comfortable with. Even if it's not some place you've gone often, if it's in an area you know, that's enough to help calm you down.
- For example, if you never go to fancy restaurants or the ballet, don't choose it as a first date location.
3
Choose a fun activity. Dates should be fun. Sure, everyone goes to dinner and a movie, and that may be enjoyable for you. However, you can help calm your first date jitters by doing something you know will be fun. Try something you'd never think of as a first date. It may help both of you break the ice. ^{[5]
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- For example, you can go window or regular shopping, work out together, go to a bookstore or music stores and look around, go hiking, or go to a museum.
- Choose an activity both of you can enjoy and are interested in, if you know what the other person likes. If you don't know what the other person likes, try to ask them. Often, doing these things help you show off your personality the most.
4
Dress comfortably. Though you want to look nice and dress to impress, don’t wear clothes you feel uncomfortable in. You won't feel like yourself. You'll be uneasy, and your date will be able to tell. Choosing a casual or nice outfit is best. Think about where you are going on your date and dress accordingly.^{[6]
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- For example, if you never wear dresses and heels or a suit and tie, don't do it on a first date. If you wear clothes you can’t breathe in or shoes you can’t walk in, you may start tripping or have trouble breathing.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Enjoying the Date

1
Stay in the moment. One way that people give into their anxiety is getting trapped in their heads and thinking about worst-case scenarios or situations that are not real. Be present on your date by staying in the moment. Staying in the moment can help keep you focused on the person in front of you, which can help you stay calm.^{[7]
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- Tell yourself, "I'm going to enjoy this moment and not listen to my thoughts." Thoughts are not reality, and they keep you away from the moment. Pushing your thoughts aside can help you enjoy your date.
- Focus on what is going on around you. Don't think, "My date doesn't like me." Instead, pay attention to your date and interact with them. They probably like you quite a bit since they agreed to go on the date in the first place.
2
Remind yourself that you like your date. Don’t forget that your date likes you, too. They agreed to go on a date with you, so that means you both already have some kind of mutual attraction. Consider why you like this person. Are they physically attractive? Or do you think they have a nice personality?
- It doesn't matter why you like them. Remember that going out with the person you like is an exciting and happy moment.
3
Think of them as a friend. If you look at your date as someone you don't know well, you may get nervous and won't be able to just be yourself. Talk to your date as you would a friend. Playfully tease them as you might your friends, tell silly stories, and don't be afraid to show off your wonderful personality.^{[8]
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- Treating them as someone you want to be around, and who wants to be around you, can help you feel more at ease. Not focusing on the romantic pressure can also help you act more natural.
4
Remember your date is also nervous. Almost everyone who goes on a first date is nervous. That means you’re not the only one nervous on this date. Sometimes, reminding yourself that the other person is just as nervous can help calm you down and help you enjoy yourself.^{[9]
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5
Encourage your date to talk. Some people think that they need to fill up every silence because silences make them nervous. They may also think that silences mean awkwardness and that the date isn’t going well. Two people who don’t know each other that well are going to naturally experience a few silences, so don’t get freaked out by them. Instead, give your date an opportunity to talk.^{[10]
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- If your date isn’t doing much talking, ask them a question. The question can build off something you know they’re interested in or something you were talking about earlier.
6
Avoid jumping to the wrong conclusion. You may start getting stressed out because you think that your date doesn’t like you. Because you’re nervous, you may come up with worst case scenarios in your head. Making up scenarios just causes more stress, and many times, it’s not even true. Try to stay calm by not jumping to conclusions.^{[11]
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- You can’t read your date’s mind. Remember, they agreed to go on the date with you and a few awkward moments doesn’t mean the date is going badly. Just enjoy the date and keep the made up scenarios to a minimum.
7
Try deep breathing exercises. Taking deep breaths can have a calming effect on your body. Before and during your date, you can try some deep breathing exercises to calm down so you can enjoy yourself.^{[12]
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- Take a deep breath through your nose and hold for a count of five or six. Then breathe out through your mouth for a count of around seven. Try to repeat 10 times.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you date with no expectations?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try not to build the other person up too much in your mind. When you fantasize or daydream about a person, you're filling in blanks in your mind and giving yourself a distorted sense of who that person is.