Why Is Your Girlfriend Lying to You? 11 Potential Reasons

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: February 11, 2022 References

Realizing your girlfriend has been lying to you can be a really upsetting experience. It's totally normal to feel confused and disappointed in her. You may also be left with a lot of questions about her behavior, including questions about why she lied. There are actually a lot of reasons why someone might lie to their partner and many of them aren't necessarily malicious. Read on to learn more about why your girlfriend may have misled you and how to handle the situation once the lie is out in the open.

1

She wants to spare your feelings.

Perhaps she doesn't want to hurt you and thinks it would be best to lie. Maybe she lied about liking a gift you got for her or she bent the truth when she said she liked your favorite band. It can hurt to realize that your partner wasn't honest with you, but this type of lie can be worked out pretty easily through open communication. You might try telling your girlfriend that you would rather hear the truth 100% of the time, even if it stings.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Perhaps she's actually not the biggest fan of your favorite movie. Say something like, "I really appreciate that you didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I'd feel more comfortable if you were honest with me. We don't always have to like the same things."

2

She wants to make herself look better.

She might be feeling insecure. If she lies about things like past accomplishments or her performance at work, it's entirely possible she's just trying to boost herself up. It's totally normal to be upset by this, as you want to trust your partner in all aspects of the relationship, but try giving her some encouragement.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} This could help her feel better and realize she doesn't need to lie to impress you.^{[3]
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- Perhaps your girlfriend lied about being awarded employee of the month, when in reality, her performance has been slipping at her job. Say something like, "Babe, I love you for who you are. You don't have to lie to impress me."

3

She's trying to avoid embarrassment.

Sometimes, people lie to protect their ego. She might have experienced a really humiliating or embarrassing moment this week and doesn't feel ready to talk about it. It's totally okay to be hurt by her lies, and it's perfectly okay to let her know that. Follow that by telling her that she can always talk to you about anything, even the embarrassing stuff.^{[4]
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- You might say, "My feelings are still a little hurt, but I want to make sure that you know that I would never judge you. You can tell me anything, and it won't change how I feel about you."

4

She wants to avoid conflict.

She might be afraid of upsetting or offending you. It's possible she did something that she knows you wouldn't appreciate and lied to avoid the consequences. It's completely understandable to be upset about this, but try working it out with your partner in a calm and respectful manner. You might try emphasizing how the lie made you feel, and the fact that it made you feel worse than if she had just told the truth.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Maybe your girlfriend lied about meeting up with a friend after she canceled a date with you. You might say, "I totally get that you didn't want to hurt me, but it's really important that we can trust each other in this relationship. I'd rather hear the truth than be lied to."

5

She lied in her previous relationships.

Lying could be a relationship pattern that she is used to. Maybe her past partners got upset at her for doing things like hanging out with other people or focusing on her hobbies instead of the relationship. Even if you're not like her past partners, she may be operating this way out of habit.^{[6]
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Research source} To avoid this situation in the future, express to her that you're not like her past partners and that she doesn't have to fear the same reactions from you.
- Let's say your girlfriend lied about seeing a movie by herself instead of inviting you along with her. Say something like, "I understand that you need time for yourself sometimes. You never have to lie about things like that with me."

6

She's covering for someone else.

Sometimes people lie to protect other people. It's possible your girlfriend has a close friend or family member that's doing something they want to keep hidden, like cheating on their spouse or gambling. Your girlfriend might lie to you in order to keep that person's trust and protect them from the potential ramifications of their behavior.^{[7]
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- Express how the lie made you feel to help your girlfriend understand why this was hurtful to you, even if the lie was regarding someone else's behavior.
- You might say something like, "I understand that you really care about your friend, but I need to know that I can trust you. Can we be more honest with each other in the future, even if things get complicated?"

7

She's uncomfortable talking about money.

Many people struggle to be transparent about their financial situations. It's possible she's accrued a lot of credit card debt and is afraid to tell you. She may also make significantly less (or more) money than you and doesn't feel comfortable sharing that. Though it can be awkward to talk about money with your partner, try having an open, honest discussion about your financial situations if you're both comfortable.^{[8]
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- You might bring up the subject by saying, "I totally get that this is an awkward topic, but I think we should maybe talk more openly about money. Can we be more transparent with each other about our financial situations?"
- This is especially important if you're in a serious relationship or you live together, as you might have to make financial decisions together at some point.

8

She wants to feel in control of her life.

If things aren't going her way, she might lie to make it seem like they are. Perhaps she's really struggling in school but she doesn't want to admit that (to you or to herself). She might hide the fact that she's currently failing one of her classes to avoid dealing with the problem and feeling like she's lost her way.^{[9]
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- Though this is sympathetic, it can still really hurt and damage your trust in her. It's okay to be upset and to express that you'd rather her be honest with you.
- You might say, "I get that things have been tough lately, but it's hard for me to trust you when you're not honest with me. I'd rather us work through this together openly."
- It might be a potential red flag if she tells lies like this often. To be in a healthy relationship, you have to be honest with yourself and your partner about your life and decisions.

9

She's been cheating on you.

This may be hard to hear, but it's possible she's seeing other people. Signs your girlfriend might be cheating include texting all of the time (and not letting you see her phone), being less talkative or interested in what you have to say, and being less physically affectionate. These don't always mean that she's being unfaithful, but they could be potential indicators. If your gut is telling you that she might be cheating, broach the subject as honestly and respectfully as possible.^{[10]
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- Emphasize your feelings in the situation to avoid making your girlfriend defensive. If she has been cheating, she likely won't want to admit to it immediately.
- You might say, "I've been feeling really far away from you lately, like we're not as close as we used to be."
- Romantic betrayal can really hurt. If you realize this is the reason she's been lying, try your best not to take her behavior personally. Being cheated on is never your fault or a reflection of your shortcomings.

10

She has an addiction.

Addicts sometimes lie to avoid changing their behavior. Your girlfriend might be embarrassed or ashamed of her addiction or she might have promised to stop but finds herself unable to do so. In both cases, she may lie to keep engaging in her addictive behaviors.^{[11]
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- Addiction is complex and painful for everyone involved. If you realize your girlfriend has an addiction, encourage her to get professional help. Remember that it's ultimately up to her to make those life changes, no matter how much you want to help her.
- If you confront her and she doesn't want to talk about it or admit it, it's possible that she's also lying to herself.

11

She's struggling with her mental health.

Certain mental health conditions can make a person lie uncontrollably. If your girlfriend doesn't seem to be able to control her lies or lies constantly, she may have an underlying disorder. If this is the case, you might consider encouraging her to work with a mental health professional, like a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. They can give her the help and resources she needs to stop lying.^{[12]
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- Mental health disorders that can make someone struggle with compulsive or pathological lying include borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder.
- To broach the subject as respectfully as possible, say something like, "I really care about you and want the best for you. Lately, I've noticed that you haven't been able to stop lying to me. Have you thought about seeing a professional for some help to stop lying?"
- Avoid trying to diagnose her with a condition yourself. You can encourage her to get help, but remember that mental health professionals are the only people who can diagnose someone with a mental health condition.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should you do if you think your girlfriend lies to you?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

I would talk to her about how you could make her more comfortable around you. You know, there may be some kind of fear about your reaction, or she may be trying to protect you from an unpleasant feeling. Try to make her as comfortable around you as possible and encourage her to open up to you. If she does say something that doesn't make you the happiest, try to react poorly. By taking it in stride, she'll feel more comfortable opening up to you in the future.