What Makes Someone the One That Got Away? How to Tell if You're the One That Got Away

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 29, 2021 References

We’ve all heard the phrase “the one who got away” at some point in our life, but what does that actually mean? Maybe you think you have someone who got away, or maybe you believe that you’re the person who got away. Whatever the situation is, we’ve answered your questions about this romantic phenomena so you can learn more about it and what to do in your specific situation.

Question 1 of 6:

Is there such a thing as the one that got away?

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Yes, you can have an ex that you really regret losing. Usually, the “one who got away” is someone that you didn’t treat super well or had to leave because of things outside your control. You might think about them often or have a hard time moving on, simply because you’re wondering about what could have been.^{[1]
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- When you have someone who got away, you might compare everyone to them or think about them all the time. It can be tough to hold down romantic relationships, simply because you’re still hoping deep down that you two might reconnect one day.
2
Yes, you might have lost someone because the timing wasn’t right. Ever met someone and thought, “Right person, wrong time”? Maybe you don’t work out because one of you is moving, or maybe you’re both a little too immature to be in a relationship. Whatever the case may be, losing someone because the timing is wrong can be tough to get over, especially because no one’s really in the wrong here.^{[2]
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Yes, maybe you pushed someone away because you weren’t ready yet. When we’re young, it’s easy to say that we aren’t ready for a real relationship just quite yet. Although that’s totally valid, looking back on your past actions can really hurt, especially if you feel like you lost someone good. You might really regret breaking up with someone who was right for you just because you wanted to play the field or you weren’t ready to settle down yet.^{[3]
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Question 2 of 6:

How do you tell if you’re the one who got away?

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Your ex asks about you or checks in on you. Maybe a mutual friend tells you that your ex won’t stop asking about you. Or, maybe your ex messages you every now and then, just to see how you’re doing. This means that they’re still thinking about you, and it might even mean that they regret your breakup or how it went down.^{[4]
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Your ex can’t hold a stable relationship after you break up. People often have a lot of trouble moving on from the one who got away. If you hear that your ex has only had minor flings or can’t get into a long-term relationship after you two break up, there’s a good chance that they’re still hung up on you. It might be that they’re having trouble moving on, and they don’t feel like they’re ready to date anyone else just yet.^{[5]
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Your ex gets excited when they run into you. Most people don’t really look forward to seeing their exes out and about, especially if the breakup is still fairly fresh. However, if you’re the one who got away, your ex might perk up when they see you and make it a point to talk to you all night long. This could mean that they miss you, and they might even want to get back together.^{[6]
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- On the flip side, this is also a sign that you and your ex are just friendly. If you have a good relationship after your breakup and there aren’t any hard feelings, your ex is probably just being nice.

Question 3 of 6:

Does everyone have a one who got away?

Not everyone does, but it is pretty common. We all lose relationships that we regret, and it’s easy to think back on them and wonder what might have happened. It’s important to remember that not all relationships are meant to last, and your memories about the one who got away might be a little more romanticized than you realize.^{[7]
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- This is especially common when you’re young, and you maybe don’t realize what it takes to have a romantic relationship. Losing someone that you thought was perfect for you can happen when you put other things first, like school or friends.

Question 4 of 6:

What would you say to the one who got away?

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You might try to apologize or make amends. Sometimes, the one who got away left because we didn’t treat them super well. If that was the case, you might reach out and say that you’re sorry for what happened. There’s no guarantee that this will reconnect you two, but it could offer you some closure that you’re looking for.
- For instance, you might say, “I wanted to reach out and say that I’m sorry. I know we were both young, but I feel pretty terrible about how I treated you back then.”
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You could talk about what happened with your relationship. If you’re confused about why you two didn’t work out, you might try talking about it to get a little clarity. This isn’t always a great idea, since it can dredge up some bad memories, but it can be good to know for future relationships. You could say something like:^{[8]
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- “I know we didn’t work out, and that’s fine. I just wanted to know if you’d be willing to talk about it with me, just so I can figure out what happened with us.”

Question 5 of 6:

How can you get someone who got away?

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You might approach them and ask to reconnect. This doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a try if you really want to get back together with them. You might reach out via text or even on social media, if you can find them. Make sure that they’re single and not in a relationship first, though, or you could cause issues in their life.
- You might say something like, “Hey Melissa, long time no see. How’s everything going?”
- Keep in mind that the one who got away might not be super excited to hear from you, especially if you hurt them before. If they don’t respond or shut you down quickly, it’s best to just move on.
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Try addressing the issues that happened in the past. You probably both have a lot of underlying feelings about what happened with your relationship earlier. If you do plan on getting back together, it’s important to talk about these things and make sure they don’t happen again. Before you jump into a relationship with the one who got away, sit down and have an honest conversation about what happened and why it happened.^{[9]
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- For instance, you might say, “When we met, I was just so young. I didn’t realize how much of a great person you were, and I resented you because I felt tied down. I’m much older now, and way more mature, and I think we can actually make this work now.”
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Unfortunately, you might never be able to get them back. The longer you wait to approach the one who got away, the harder it is to get them back. When we don’t talk to people for a long time, we grow apart, and our lives can look wildly different in just a few years. If you approach the one who got away and they don’t want to reconnect with you, try to take it in stride, and focus on setting your sights on the future.^{[10]
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Question 6 of 6:

How do you stop regretting the one who got away?

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Let go of the “what-ifs.” You probably have a little fantasy about what you two could have been if you had stayed together. It’s important to face the reality of the situation, even though that can be hard. The truth is, you don’t know if you and the one who got away would have actually worked out, and you’ll never know what your relationship could have looked like. Letting that go can really help you move on from the past and focus on the future.^{[11]
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- We tend to romanticize people that we miss a lot. Instead of focusing on all the good things about the one who got away, think about the things that made you break up. Chances are, you two may have not worked out in the long run.
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Focus on yourself. In order to move on completely, you need to love yourself more. If you feel like you messed up and lost someone important, work on forgiving yourself. Tell yourself that it’s okay to move on from the past, and don’t hold your past self to your current self’s standards. Even if you feel like you really messed up by losing someone, all you can do now is look toward the future.^{[12]
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- You might talk to a mental health professional to work through your emotions and practice coping skills that you can use in the future.