How to Tell if Your Wife Is Cheating

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: February 8, 2023 Approved

Worrying your wife is cheating is a terrible feeling, so you likely want to get to the truth fast. Sometimes it’s difficult to spot the signs of cheating, especially if you’re feeling jealous. If you’re worried about your relationship, study your wife’s behavior and appearance to watch for suspicious changes. Pay special attention to her social habits, her behaviors at home, and changes in her appearance.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Recognizing Changes in Her Social Habits

1
Notice if she starts going out without you more often. While it’s healthy to spend time away from your partner, it might be a cause for concern if your wife seems to prefer going out without you. This is especially true if she picks activities with others over date night with you. Take note if she starts to go out alone or with friends several times a week. It’s possible she’s seeing someone else.^{[1]
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- It’s normal and healthy for both partners to enjoy time away from each other.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} Don’t assume that your wife’s desire to have a “girls night” or go to happy hour after work is a sign she’s having an affair.
- If your wife uses social media often, check her profile on nights she goes out. If she’s posting pictures of girls night or happy hour, she’s likely telling the truth.
2
Pay attention if your wife is unreachable for long periods of time. If your wife suddenly stops answering your calls and returning your texts, this might be a cause for concern. Notice if you’re having trouble getting a reply several times a week, as well as the time of day when this happens. When she gives you excuses, ask questions to see if her story changes and consider if the reason makes sense.^{[3]
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- For example, let’s say your wife usually answers your texts while she’s in the office, but lately she hasn’t been responding. Talk to her about what’s going on. It’s possible she’s working on a big project and has been busy, but it’s also possible she’s spending time with someone else or is prioritizing their messages.
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3
Watch for changes in her stories or details that don’t add up. Make a habit of talking to your wife about her day. Listen to what she says and watch for inconsistencies or details that don’t make sense. If you have any concerns, ask her about them to see if her story changes.^{[4]
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- For instance, let’s say your wife says she had lunch with a female coworker but then complains that the same coworker has been out all week. This would be a red flag. Similarly, if she says she was late getting home because she had to go to the dry cleaners but she didn’t bring home any clothes, she could be fibbing.
- As a bonus, talking to your wife about her day will be good for your relationship.
4
Listen carefully if she starts talking about a new friend. It’s normal to want to tell a lot of stories about a new relationship. If your wife is cheating, she may talk about the person she’s cheating with often, even though she’s trying to keep it a secret. Notice if she’s telling you a lot of stories about a new person, whether it’s a male or a female. This could be a sign that their relationship is more than friendship.^{[5]
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- For instance, let’s say your wife suddenly starts telling a lot of stories about her new coworker Marco. She may have a special relationship or interest in Marco.
- Before you jump to conclusions, consider how your wife normally talks about her friends. It’s possible that she’s just excited about having a new friend.
Tip: Try to schedule a group outing with them so you can get to know them. You might discover that the relationship seems completely normal. On the other hand, if she refuses to make group plans or gets defensive, it could be a sign that something is going on.
5
Pay attention to how often she works or goes on business trips. While long hours and frequent business trips may be normal, your wife may use work as a cover for cheating. Watch for changes in your wife’s work schedule that don’t make sense, and talk to her about what she’s working on. Additionally, notice if she’s working long hours without an increase in pay or if she has new responsibilities that don’t match up with her job title.^{[6]
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- For instance, let’s say your wife typically works 40-hour Monday- Friday work weeks but suddenly starts needing to work overtime or weekends. Ask her about her current projects to see if the new work hours make sense, and watch your bank account to see if she’s getting paid for the time she’s working.
- Keep in mind that your wife could just be excelling in her career. If your wife has recently received a promotion or is hoping to get one, then she may honestly be working the extra hours. Don’t assume that she’s lying.
6
Look at how much money she spends when she is out. If she’s having an affair, her spending habits may be higher than normal or lower than normal. She may spend extra on special clothes or lingerie, hotel rooms, or meals and drinks. However, she may spend less than usual if her lover is paying for their dates. Check your bank statements and credit card bills to see if her spending seems off.^{[7]
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- For example, you might notice shopping sprees, hotel rooms, or large cash withdrawals.
- Similarly, if she goes to girls night every Friday but isn’t spending any money, she might be going on dates.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Noticing Changes at Home

1
Pay attention if your wife starts to complain about you or your relationship. Your wife may start pointing out your flaws or sharing concerns about your relationship. This may be because she’s genuinely unhappy, or she could be trying to look for a reason to justify her affair. Either way, it’s important for you to take notice and talk to her about it. Ask her what’s bothering her and discuss ways you can improve your relationship going forward.^{[8]
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- For example, your wife might say things like, “I’m sick and tired of coming home to a dump,” “You never listen to me,” or “We never have fun together anymore.” Ask her follow up questions like, “How can we work together to keep things clean?” “What can I do to show you I’m listening?” or “How does date night this Saturday sound?” This way you can address her concerns to hopefully improve your relationship.
Warning: If nothing you do makes her happy, it’s a sign she may be trying to find fault with you to justify her cheating.
2
Watch for changes in her desire for sex. Your wife may desire more sex, less sex, or different sex. Consider if she starts offering you sex more often but doesn’t seem to be engaging with you. Similarly, notice if the heat suddenly leaves your relationship and she starts turning down sex. Additionally, pay attention to a sudden interest in role playing or sex games.^{[9]
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- Your wife may want more sex if she feels bad about cheating or is having an emotional affair that leaves her wanting sexual fulfillment.
- She may want less sex if a new lover is meeting her needs.
- Your wife may want different sex if she’s wanting to pretend she’s with a new person.
Warning: Keep in mind that these changes could have innocent explanations. For instance, your wife may desire more sex if she’s getting more rest or feels better about herself, or she may desire less sex if she’s been very busy or has been feeling insecure about herself. Similarly, she might try to spice up your relationship with sex play, so don’t make assumptions.
3
Notice if you share less emotional intimacy. Your wife may stop sharing the details of her life with you, which is a sign that something is wrong. If she’s not coming to talk to you about her daily activities, her problems, her emotions, or things she’s excited about, then she may be sharing these things with someone else. Talk to her to find out what’s going on.^{[10]
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- For example, let’s say your wife seems to be shutting you out. Go to her and say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been really quiet lately. I’d really like to talk to you about how you’ve been feeling.”
4
Notice if your wife suddenly wants more privacy. If your wife is having an affair, she’ll need to keep secrets from you. This requires her to keep her phone, bag, computer, and bills away from you. If she’s suddenly hiding things from you or getting defensive when you ask questions, then she could be hiding an affair.^{[11]
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- For example, you might notice that all of her electronic devices have new passwords.^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} Additionally, she may start hiding her credit card or phone bills, and she may even get a new, secret credit card.
5
Pay attention if she’s spending more time on her phone. She could be calling or texting a new partner. Notice if she seems to be texting someone more often, especially if she won’t tell you who it is. Additionally, take note if she often leaves the room when taking a call.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.}
- Watch her reaction to calls and texts. For instance, if she smiles really big or gets really excited, she may be texting a new partner.
- If you share a phone plan, review your bill to see if anything looks off. For instance, she might be calling or texting the same person daily.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Observing Her Appearance

1
Notice if she starts exercising more. While she might be improving her health for personal reasons, it’s also possible that she’s exercising for a new lover. Watch for big changes in her appearance, as well as long hours spent in the gym. These could be signs that she’s cheating.^{[14]
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- Don’t assume that your wife is cheating just because she’s exercising a lot. She may just want to look and feel better for herself, or she could want to impress you.
Tip: Ask if she wants to exercise together. If she’s doing it for health reasons, she will likely enjoy the support.
2
Pay attention if she upgrades her wardrobe. Although it’s possible that she just wants to feel good about herself, your wife may get new clothes to impress a new lover. This is especially true if she’s buying sexy clothes that you never see. Notice if she’s bringing new clothes into the house or if you’re seeing clothing purchases on your bank or credit card statements. If you have concerns, talk to your wife about her desire for a new wardrobe.^{[15]
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- Say, “I’ve noticed you’ve bought a lot of new clothes lately. Is there a special reason?” Then, listen to what she has to say.
- Remember, she may just want new clothes because she’s diving into a new trend or she’s recently lost or gained weight. Don’t assume she’s cheating.
3
Observe if she gets a fresh haircut or starts wearing more makeup. These are ways she might try to improve her appearance, which can sometimes be a way to impress a new lover. However, she may also change up her makeup and hairstyle for herself. Notice if she’s fixing herself up specifically to go out without you.^{[16]
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- It’s helpful to consider what’s been going on in your wife’s life. If she’s been dressing down for several years because she’s been busy with the kids but now she has more free time, she might be spending more time on her looks because it makes her happy.
4
Notice if she smells like cologne instead of her normal scent. She may smell like cologne because she’s spending time with a lover. If you notice a change in your wife’s smell, ask her about it. If she doesn’t have a reasonable explanation, then it might be a sign she’s cheating.^{[17]
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- Don’t assume that one incidence of her smelling like someone else is a sign she’s cheating. For instance, she may have a coworker who wears too much cologne.

Expert Q&A

Question

How long does it take to rebuild trust after cheating?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

It takes a lot of time! Once trust is lost in a relationship, it's very difficult to get back. It really boils down to the person who broke the trust actively working and making an effort to regain that trust with their partner.
Question

How can trust be repaired after cheating?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

Therapy can help! A third person mediating the conversation can be a big help. Besides finding out the truth and getting answers, therapy can potentially help recreate the friendship and intimacy you once had in the relationship.
Question

If I find another man's clothes in my house, is that a sign that my wife is cheating on me?

Community Answer

If the clothes don't belong to your or anyone that lives in your house, then how would they have gotten there? Do you have children? Ask them if they know whose clothes they are. If it's only you and your wife living together, then chances are she knows who they belong to.

Warnings

Don’t accuse your wife of having an affair without confirming your suspicions first. If your wife is not cheating on you and you accuse her of doing so, you might end up causing problems between the two of you that never existed before.

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