How to Catch Your Cheating Spouse

Last Updated: May 14, 2022 References

You've seen the signs and your mind is putting the pieces together. If you're worried that your honey is up to something funny, and you want to find out, this article offers some approaches that might just help confirm your suspicions. Before you rush headlong into this process, though, spend a few days thinking about what you are likely to do if or when your worst suspicions are eventually confirmed. If you do decide to investigate, be prepared to deal with what you find, good or bad. It's also a good idea to familiarize yourself with local laws and determine how far you can "spy" on your partner before crossing the line into illegality.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Catching Your Spouse on the Phone

1
Let your fingers do the walking. The phone is a common thread in all our lives, and it's only becoming more so as time goes on. So it is a pretty sure bet that their Affair d'amour is happening over the wires as well as—well, you can imagine.
2
Perform some phone sleuthing, if you have a good old-fashioned land line. Phone sleuthing is easy.
- Take a spare to somewhere in the house where he/she rarely goes, and plug it into the phone jack. Unscrew and remove the mouthpiece (ahead of time) so that your sotto voce epithets will not give your sleuthing away.
- When you hear him/her shout "I've got it, honey" (cause you just know it's him/her), go to your "war room," and very carefully lift the receiver off the hook. Don't be too gentle: wiggling the buttons will make a clickety sound on the line that will get you busted.
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3
Press Record Now. If you're pretty sure your soon-to-be-ex-honey is not going to call up his/her burning biscuit of bliss while you're around, but that he/she may not be able to resist a little sneaky call when he/she thinks you're not looking—or his/her cohort in canoodling may just have to hear his/her lover's voice before he/she goes to bed with "him/her", recording the conversation might work. If you plan ahead, you can tap the airwaves as he/she taps his/her inner Don Juan.
- If you have a smart phone or a feature phone with a recorder, set the earpiece of the headset next to the microphone, and record the lovey-dovey ramblings for posterity. If the jig is up, and you have what you need, then no need to wait. Confront the louse with his/her toothbrush and an overnight bag, and send him/her out without his/her dessert. If it turns out, however, that the phone was his/her bowling buddy confirming Lane 6 this Thursday, whip up his/her favorite dessert, and serve it up with a smile.
4
Use a baby monitor. This is the cheap, low-tech way of listening in. Of course, if there are no babies in your life at the moment, this can be a bit tricky, but you can get around that. Wait till he/she goes out "shopping" one day, and hit the local gizmo shop. Get a basic baby monitor, a can of spray paint that will blend with where you will put the transmitter, and a roll of matching masking tape (in case the transmitter has blinking LEDs on it).
- Paint the transmitter (the baby/secret side) with the spray paint. Cover up the microphone hole before you paint so you don't gum up the works, and don't over-paint. You don't want that thing to be stinking up the house.
- Go to the room where you think she'll be making throaty sounds with her licentious Lothario, and cache the transmitter in a discrete location where she's unlikely to look. Behind some books, or the couch, or if you're really hapless, somewhere in the bedroom or bath.
- Power it up, and put a portable radio in the room turned down to about human-whisper-and-giggle level. Go into your man cave, and turn on the receiver. Can you hear the radio? If so, you're ready to go. If not, make adjustments until you can hear the transmitter signal clearly.
- When that phone call comes, and she says "I have to get this... it's work," say, "Okay, honey, I'll be in the man cave surfing the 'Net for..." (You can say almost anything there: after she hears Okay, honey, I'll be..., she'll already have too much adrenaline pumping through her to hear you, anyway.) Go to your room, turn on the monitor, power up your recorder (phone, tape, whatever you've got), and listen to what happens next. Should you hear what you fear, call her a taxi, and send Ruby Roundheels on a one-way ticket to town. Of course, if you hear "Okay, I'll have that report by tomorrow, boss, and I.... wait, what's this... a transmitter?," you might want to take that taxi yourself. You're going to be in hot water.
5
Record digitally with a digital recorder. There is a range of digital records, from pens, or thumb drives, or even phone look-alikes that are voice activated. That means you can just set one wherever you think your spouse may go for his or her phone fun, and when it happens, the electrical spy will spring into action, like a steel trap. Check that trap at your convenience, and good luck!
6
Break all trust and spy on your honey's personal communications. Direct access of your cheating cherie's phone can reveal a lot—especially texts and tweets. Her close friends will be quite frank with advice and what they think. You may find the texts that are sent give you more insight than the ones received. A regular check will give you an idea of how things are progressing. Watch out for the use of false names so that if an incoming message arrives at an awkward moment, the false name gives nothing away.^{[1]
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- Check email. Another way he'll schedule snogging sessions with that woman is to send send her emails or chat online. What if every email or conversation that your spouse sends online got mailed to you to read? Software called remote spy software records all of his or her emails, chats, instant messages, web sites visited and keystrokes and then automatically copies this recorded information to your email address.
- Unless your spouse is very careful, you can also pop onto his or her computer (or phone) when he or she is not around, and look at history, recent applications, and other breadcrumbs to follow the trail of the philandering fink. Maybe a little email planning for the next rendezvous with romance, or some online hot chat logs.
- The lout who is having the affair will quickly try to prevent you seeing emails through the use of passwords and saving the emails under different file names. To gain access initially, you may try using his typical passwords as a starting point. If that doesn't work, a Google search will easily find specialized software that can hack passwords.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Using Other Methods to Spy on Your Spouse

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Use any tools at your disposal. You can get help from inanimate objects—–they never speak! For instance, there are hidden cameras available in shapes unimaginable! They are so discreet that even you will not be able to make out that a state-of-the-art camera lies within. Hidden spy cameras range from wall clocks to houseplants to table lamps.
2
Install a GPS device. Track where your wayward wife has been lately by using a GPS device. It will show you where she's taken the car, and for how long she stays. Next time she says "I'm working late, honey," you can say "Wow, Motel 9 must love you!"^{[2]
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3
Count the miles. A cheap (free) alternative to GPS tracking is to simply record mileage before and after work. Does this square with the distance your spouse is traveling between work and home? Differences on the odometer can lead to targeted questions which can help you find out what is or is not happening.
4
Pay particular attention to your spouse's friends. Who is being seen the most? Who is contacted the most? Are they your friends as well? When you meet them, keep a real alert on for bad feelings when talking to them. Don't ask direct questions of them. You don't want to ask them to choose who to support. What people don't say is at least as useful as what people do say.
5
Study history. If the call history is blocked, then access the details online via telephone accounts. You will need to use a password to access this. However the chances are the password being used was set up long before the affair started so you probably know it or can second guess it. Look for frequency of use and call time. Are both of these factors increasing, steady or increasing? Knowing this will give you insight on how things are progressing.
6
Watch for changes in behavior. Changes in interests in clothes, appearance, weight loss or gain, coldness, distancing, hostility; refusal to talk about future projects, disengagement from you, disinterest in sex and more noticeably simply everyday affections. Monitor those changes are they increasing or decreasing? It's the changes that give away clues.
7
Look for secrets. Keep an eye out for a hidden phone your spouse may use to avoid detection. Also, check the trash on his or her computer—–often people throw things in the trash, and then don't empty it.^{[3]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Setting Up Your Spouse

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Catch him in the act! If you really believe your spouse is cheating on you, yet after monitoring phone calls, emails, and travel details, all you have is a gut feeling, than you need to make an essential decision about how far you are willing to go in pursuit of knowing if your spouse is faithful.
- Honestly ask yourself why you don't trust your spouse. Do you have any reason, real or imagined, to believe your spouse is, or has been, unfaithful? It doesn't have to stand up to legal standards of proof, but do you have anything to go on beyond your feeling or hunch? It is not uncommon for a partner to self-convince that there is a case of spousal infidelity based merely on circumstances that have been molded into the evidence needed to justify one's own feelings, beliefs, and insecurities.
- Just because he seems less interested in you doesn't mean he's cheating. Working late or going out with friends might mean only that. It's also not uncommon for couples who have been together for a while to forget why they fell in love because everyday life is a grind and people get comfortable with time, taking one another for granted. Moreover, sometimes work addiction takes over, and your spouse really has become "wed to the job or start-up" and rarely thinks of spending time with you.
2
Make some assumptions. If you think you have real cause to suspect your spouse, then start with the assumption that she is going to take some kind of precautions to remain undiscovered when cheating.
- She's not going to send emails from the home computer, or call from the home phone.
- She's not going to claim to be working late and leave for a hotel rendezvous risking your calls going unanswered or being seen leaving work too early
- She will use normal routines and patterns that you are well used to and simply use that time to have the affair. A sexual affair doesn't require much time or commitment. The two of them meet in the parking lot, hop into one car, head for "their room" at the Motel 9 for a half hour, and are back in time for shopping. She even comes home with purchases consistent with where they were supposed to be. So if you're truly committed to finding the truth, do this:
3
Set things up for the set-up. Get a good camera with a zoom lens and put a GPS tracker on your spouse (clothing/bag, etc.) or vehicle. Hide a voice activated recorder behind your bed. Then, plan a trip out of town for two to four days, and share that information with your spouse.
- Do your homework and make it look like you're leaving town by sharing details of your trip, while you secretly plan a stay at a hotel just out of town. (If your spouse expects details of your trip, book them, get confirmations to share with your spouse, but cancel at the last hour and stay close to home.)
4
Leave. Make an effort to call your spouse from the airport and when you arrive at your destination. Do this from your cell phone and you can claim to be anywhere. Apologize that you will be working late and might not be able to call that night.
5
Monitor your spouse's GPS activity. If your spouse leaves home for an extended time, go to that location and watch from afar.
- Follow your spouse (a rental is a good idea), but if you are prone to road rage or other rash acts, think twice about this one.
- If your spouse simply goes home, park down the street and watch.
6
Repeat as needed. Use the camera if appropriate. Check the recorders just in case you missed something.
- If you need more time, call the morning you were scheduled to be home and apologize that you have to stay one more night.
7
Cope with a discovery. If you discover something, you can return with the evidence. If not, don't overdo the stay away. Either way, don't let this charade drag on––you'll need to confront your spouse with your evidence or own up to your suspicions in order for the relationship to change, mend or dissolve as needs be.

Living Life After the Discovery

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Deal with the aftermath of finding out either way. It isn't pleasant to discover that a spouse has been cheating on you. In fact, it's likely to be devastating as the foundation on which you've based your personal life is totally rocked. Moreover, you may carry feelings of self-loathing for the manner in which you had to sneak about to find out the truth. All in all, the discovery process is harrowing and can leave you feeling raw.^{[4]
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2
Cope with your feelings. If you do get positive, concrete proof that your spouse is cheating, you now have cause to be miserable and unhappy. The fact is that it is better known than not. In time, you'll learn that while this is a traumatic experience, there is a person who deserves you and that it's most definitely not this person. Seek the support of friends, family and perhaps your doctor or a counselor to help you work through what is now a difficult period. Deciding whether or not to leave your spouse is a minefield that only you can decide to navigate, with good support networks to keep you strong. You might find it helpful to start by reading How to mend a marriage after an affair.^{[5]
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3
Realize you may be completely wrong. If you don't find proof of your spouse's infidelity, you now have little reason to believe your spouse is cheating. If you still think your spouse is super careful and sneaky, you have at least discovered how easy it is to set up the conditions to catch your cheating spouse in the not too distant future. However, be absolutely sure that your continuing suspicions are valid; by this stage, you're likely to be ripping apart any trust that once existed in the relationship.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you confront a cheating partner?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert

Expert Answer

Finding out your partner has cheated can be a devastating and traumatizing experience that can leave you feeling betrayed, angry, and damaged. Here are a few tips on how to approach your partner. Ask them to explain themselves and why they betrayed your trust. Take a moment not to respond so your partner has a chance to explain their actions. Truly listen and do everything you can to stay calm. Express your feelings by stating directly how and why you feel hurt. Decide if trust can be rebuilt or to end the relationship. If you feel strongly that the trust is broken forever, sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away.
Question

What should I do if my spouse is sleeping with people in my bedroom while I am at work?

Community Answer

I would divorce your spouse if they're regularly cheating on you. A one-time event could possibly be forgiven depending on the circumstances, but a regular pattern of behavior indicates a complete lack of respect and care for you. That's not the kind of person you should stay married to.
Question

Why is my boyfriend's phone always on silent?

Community Answer

This does not always indicate cheating, as many people put their phone off for work, church, etc. Typically, you want to look for the change in behaviour. So if the phone is suddenly always on silent, that is something to look at more closely. Look for telltale signs such as placing the phone face down when not in use, or taking it with them when they leave a common area rather than leaving it out. Overall, look for changes in phone behaviour and increased vigilance in securing their phone.

Warnings

If your suspicion turns out to be paranoid jealousy not based in fact—and your spouse discovers your covert activities—you have done serious (and possibly irreparable) damage to your marriage. Even if not, a visit to a therapist or marriage counselor might be in order for you.

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Note that the manner in which you use the spy gadgets may or may not violate the privacy of others. Check out the laws of your jurisdiction for the laws applicable or for the intended use of these products––in many cases, these items cannot be used legally:^{[6]
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- It may be illegal if you spy on him or her without his or her notice.
- It may be illegal to gain entry to someone else's computer without their permission.
- The use of hacking software may be illegal.
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