How to Love Your Spouse Again

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA

Last Updated: July 28, 2022 References Approved

Changing Your Behavior

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Doing Things Together

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Working on Forgiveness

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

Many people find themselves fighting with their partners night after night. They almost wish they could run away and find a better life somewhere else. The more they fight, the more they struggle to find positive feelings about one another. Often, one partner becomes discouraged and experiences feelings of hopelessness regarding the survival of marriage. To get out of this rut, you must really want your relationship to work.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Changing Your Behavior

1
Stop criticizing. Instead of verbally criticizing your spouse, which is telling them exactly what you don’t like about them, replace it with feedback—sharing how their actions make you feel, whether anxious, embarrassed, uncared for, and so on.^{[1]
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Research source}^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.} When someone knows precisely why their behavior is a problem—and they can relate to it since they probably have the same emotions—you are much more likely to get a civil response.
- Make sure you share your feedback with a respectful demeanor, keeping sarcasm and anger out of your voice. You may want to practice forgiveness before each time you share feedback.
- You should also take a mental step back from the relationship and determine that while your spouse isn’t 100% what you want, they are mostly good, which allows you to accept them unconditionally, in spite of the little things that irritate you.
- When you sense a critical thought coming to your mind, arrest the thought and redirect it toward acceptance of your spouse as whole.
2
Look for the good. In order to help stop criticizing your spouse, you have to start looking for the good. Develop a positive reinforcement mindset—whenever you think of something negative about them, replace it with something you admire about them, and reward yourself for the effort. Rewards are proven to help us develop new habits and keep them.^{[3]
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- Reward yourself with something small, like a bit of chocolate, an episode of a show you like, or even a mini-break from a monotonous task.
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3
Be affectionate. Physical affection is one of the clearest forms of communicating love and care. Studies show that even just a teacher giving a supportive tap on the back can compel students to volunteer twice as often. A massage from someone you love is likely to quell depression and even ease pain.^{[4]
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Research source} Physical and verbal affection can communicate what your words don’t, helping to save a marriage.^{[5]
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- Do simple touches like a pat on the should when they do a good job, a small kiss on the forehead, or touch fingers.
- Simple compliments communicate affection as well, like telling your wife she made a good dinner or sharing how happy something your husband did made you.
4
Pay attention to the other person. Giving your spouse undivided attention is important for communicating value to them. If you or your spouse regularly watches TV while the other talks, or looks around the room or flips through the mail, or engages in any number of distractions while the other talks, then you aren’t really paying attention to them. Instead, focus on the other person’s eyes when they are talking.^{[6]
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- Focus on them when you realize they are sharing something with you.
- Thank them when say supportive or complimentary things, as this shows that you heard them.
- Show up with a gift of an item they recently mentioned wanting to have.
5
Listen to your spouse. Going along with paying attention is listening well. Active listening means that you wait until the other person is done talking and then give feedback—not necessarily trying to solve the problem. ^{[7]
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Research source} Share what they are saying by offering a story of an experience you had that was similar.
- Make eye contact when they talk, or ask them to make eye contact with you when you talk.
6
Recognize things that are new about your spouse. If you have been married for a long time, chances are that both of you have changed over the years, especially if you have children. Take some time to get to know them again. Ask them questions about their likes and dislikes. If they aren’t sure of what they like anymore, offer to take them somewhere like a restaurant to help them figure it out.
- Make an effort to provide the things that you discover they like in gifts, at home, or on outings.
7
Be kind. Be intentional about being kind to each other. This may mean that you take stock of your interactions by recording them and playing them to back listen to how much you bicker. You can do things like making lists of what annoys you about each person and then write down how you usually respond. Determine to respond differently each time the other person does these 10 things.^{[8]
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- Choose not to be rude, critical, or other negative things.
8
Ask for what you need. If you change your behavior without informing your spouse, you may find yourself full of expectations of change without the other person knowing why you are disappointed. Tell them your determination to change your marriage, and ask them for what you need as a husband or wife.
- If you normally ignore your desires in an effort to put others first, try reversing this habit and expressing what you want before others do.
- Use "I" statements when you're expressing how you feel and describing what you want to change about your marriage so your spouse doesn't get defensive.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jin S. Kim, MA
  Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Doing Things Together

1
Act like you are starting to date for the first time. In effort to get to know your spouse if you have been together for a long time, you could try pretending like you’re in a new relationship. Start going on dates and asking basic questions. You might be surprised to learn that their favorite color has changed or that their favorite food hasn’t been spaghetti for years now.^{[10]
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- If you still have kids that need a babysitter, don’t be afraid to hire one.
- You may want to set up a weekly dating routine so that you are sure to date your spouse in the midst of a busy life.
2
Do new things together. As part of your new dating plan, try new things. Go places you and your spouse have never been, especially a place one of you has always wanted to go. Try new activities in your town, or trips to other cities or countries. Creating new rituals with a romantic basis can cultivate feelings of love.^{[11]
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- You can use the strategy of doing new things to surprise your spouse with something they’ve always wanted to do.
3
Reminisce together. Think about the time when you were dating, when you didn’t have any criticisms of each other and accepted each other unconditionally. Talk about your first date, your favorite dates, how pretty your wedding was, and think about all the times you held hands and did fun things together. Connecting your memories with how you felt can help you feel those emotions again.^{[12]
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4
Do things together you haven’t for a long time. When you were remembering the early days of your relationship, you might have thought about things you used to do together but stopped because life got busy. Re-create your first date, or meet with friends you haven’t seen together in a long time.
- Doing things that you used to do when you felt strong emotion for your spouse can remind you what it felt like and help you feel it again.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Working on Forgiveness

1
Write down things that make you angry. You may have lost love for your spouse because of something they did that made you deeply angry. They only way to resume loving your spouse after feeling such anger is to forgive them. Start by writing down the thing(s) they have done that make you angry.
- This might be something big, like an affair or betrayal, or a bunch of small things, like ignoring you, lying to you, etc.
- Writing them down helps you to see your thoughts and organize them so that you don’t have to think about them anymore.
2
Write down hurts that you have. The same things that make you angry probably have also hurt you, but you can get hurt without getting angry. Write another list with all the things you can think of that your spouse has done (or not done) that has hurt your feelings. You can tell it is something that has hurt you if it creates an emotional response when you think of it.
- Again, these things might be big, like cheating on you, or they can be a bunch of small things, like forgetting an anniversary, not helping you around the house, etc.
3
Extend forgiveness. Now that you have your lists, it is time to let go of your anger, hurt, and pain by extending forgiveness to your spouse. This is usually an ongoing process (and can involve many tears), so you may want to enlist the help of a trusted loved one or counselor/therapist to help you through your list.
- There can be a lot of reasons why you have a hard time forgiving, and studying them can help you let go of anger.^{[13]
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4
Ask your spouse to write down the same things for you. Chances are that your spouse has a lot of negativity built up towards you, just as you have towards them. Ask your spouse to write down the things you have done to hurt and anger them. You don’t have to ask them to forgive you at this point, just have them look at the things in your marriage that are causing them harm.
5
Ask for forgiveness. Repent to your spouse for the things on their list, and ask them to forgive you. Repentance means that you choose to walk in the opposite direction, so you are agreeing to stop doing the things that have hurt and angered your spouse.^{[14]
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- This does not mean that you will be able to suddenly cease behaviors that you have been doing for years, and neither will your spouse. You should both have grace for each other through this process.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can you be kind to your partner?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

You can be kind by serving the other person, such as cooking for them, assisting them with a project, or surprising them with things you know they like.