How to Tell a Man You Love Him Without Scaring Him Off

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References Approved

Telling your man that you love him will most likely take your relationship to the next level. While you may be ready, your man may not be. Be sure about your feelings and examine his actions to see if he is falling in love with you to. If the two of you are on the same page, your feelings shouldn't freak him out.

Things You Should Know

Give yourself time to confirm your feelings before sharing them with him.
Pick a time when he's relaxed and in a good mood. Make sure you're both sober and clear-eyed, and choose a place where you'll have some privacy.
Be patient and let him respond in his own time. Stress that he doesn't have to say it back if he's unsure or doesn't feel the same.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Psyching Yourself Up

1
Figure out if you really are in love or just infatuated. Before you commit to telling him that you love him get a grip on your true feelings. Have you suddenly become overwhelmed with feelings or has your adoration grown over time? Typically infatuation is something that comes on suddenly, whereas true love builds over time.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- You should know someone well before you declare your love. If you have been together for at least 3 months and had a couple of arguments, you will have a much better understating of who your man is.
- If you have only been dating for a few weeks and everything seems perfect, you may be infatuated and not truly in love.
- It is better to keep your feelings to yourself until you are sure that you really do love him.
- Telling him that you love him too early in the relationship can really freak him out if he does not feel the same way.
2
Decide if he loves you back. Your man may be feeling the same way as you, but has not told you yet. Although he has not said it, his actions may demonstrate how he really feels. Men often show their feelings through their actions instead of their words.^{[2]
X
Research source} Think about your relationship to see if he has been giving you signs. Ask yourself some questions.^{[3]
X
Research source}^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Does he make you a priority?
- Does he mention you when he talks about his future plans and goals?
- Have you met the people (e.g. family, friends, coworkers) that are important in his life?
- If his actions say that he cares about you, he may not be scared by your strong feelings for him.
- Does he speak in terms of "we" instead of "I"?
- Does he consistently try to take care of you and keep a smile on your face?
- Is he affectionate? Does he want to hug, kiss, and hold hands?
- If he acts like he loves you, he probably will not be scared by you expressing your feelings. If his actions do not say that he may be in love with you, you should probably hold off on telling him.
Advertisement
3
Determine why you want to say "I love you." You should only say "I love you" if you truly mean it. You should not say it to feel more secure in your relationship or to hear him say the words back to you.^{[5]
X
Research source} Never use those words to manipulate him, keep him around, or fix a mistake that you made.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- The best reason to say "I love you" is that you simply cannot keep it to yourself any longer, and you want him to know how you feel.
- Saying "I love you" can change your relationship. Be sure that you are ready for this.
4
Be prepared in case he doesn't say "I love you" back. Although you are ready to say "I love you," your boyfriend may not be ready. This does not mean that he does not care about you or that he will never love you. It only means that he does not feel the same way as you right now. Think about what you will do if he does not say it back to you.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- If he does not feel the same way, you may feel rejected or uncertain about your relationship.
- If you feel that you would be crushed that he does not love you as well, you may want to hold off on telling him.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Man

1
Choose the right time. Pick a time when he is relaxed, stress free, and in a good mood. Make sure you two are in a private place where you guys can have an uninterrupted conversation. You do not want someone to walk in or over hear this conversation.
- Avoid professing your love after a physically or psychologically charged situation (like before or after being intimate) because he may say that he loves you too due to an adrenaline rush or from being in an emotional environment.^{[8]
  X
  Research source}
- Also avoid telling him if either one of you are intoxicated or sleepy. He may or may not remember what you said.
- If you discuss future plans for your relationship or how you currently feel, this is the ideal time to tell him that you love him.
2
Say the words.^{[9]
X
Research source
Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Personal interview. 17 May 2019.} Be as natural as possible and tell him that you love him. Look him in his eyes and say, "I love you." You do not have to make it dramatic or awkward, just speak from the heart.
- You can choose the ideal situation when you tell him, but try not to think about it too much. If the two of you are alone and having a good time, let him know. Listen to your gut when deciding to say "I love you." ^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
- Avoid saying, "You are the love of my life." It causes a comparison between you and his past relationships. He may love you, but may not consider you the love if his life at this point. You may be less likely to get the response you desire if you say that phrase.^{[11]
  X
  Research source}
3
Give him space. When you tell him that you love him, let him know that he does not have to say it back to you if he does not feel the same way. You do not want him to feel any pressure when you tell him.
- You may say, "I love you. I understand if you're not ready to say it or you're feelings aren't in the same place as mine. I just wanted you to know how I feel."
- Remember that love happens at different speeds for people. Even if he does not say it back to you, it does not mean that he does not want to be with you.^{[12]
  X
  Research source}
- Being patient with him is the best way to allow his love to grow if it is not already there yet.
- If your partner does not say "I love you, too," you can use this as an opportunity to ask him where he sees the relationship going.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Choosing Your Method

1
Determine how he likes to receive affection. If you love him, you have probably shared your feelings and other personal information with him before. What settings worked best when you communicated this information. Was it over the phone or a text message? Was it during a romantic date night? Do you two prefer to have more casual, natural conversations?^{[13]
X
Research source}
- There is no right or wrong way to tell him that you love him.
- You are less likely to scare him if you use a method that he is receptive to.
2
Give him a letter or card. If you are nervous about talking to him in person, consider giving him a card or a letter that expresses how you feel. This will also give him time to digest what you have said and think about his feelings for you. If you are nervous about telling him or worried that you may clam up during the conversation, this is a good way to tell him.
- A card is really helpful if you do not know what to say. You can even choose a more humorous card to keep it light and still get your point across.
- You could also find a poem or song that says what you would like to say and rewrite it in your handwriting.
3
Talk to him in person. Telling him face-to-face is the most romantic, yet nerve-racking way. Verbally expressing your true feelings forces you to be vulnerable. Your man may even be more attracted to you when you show him who you really are and how you really feel.^{[14]
X
Research source
Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Personal interview. 17 May 2019.}
- If you go this route, practice saying "I love you" out loud and in front of a mirror.
- You could also make a video that tells him how you feel. You can make sure that you tell him everything that you want to say without getting too nervous. If you mess up, you can always make another video.
4
Show him you love him through your actions. Love is more than a feeling. Your words and actions should match. Before you tell him that you love, your actions should already be saying that you do.
- Do something nice like cook him is favorite meal or surprise him with tickets to a movie that he wanted to see.
- Be present during good and bad times. While it’s easy to be supportive during happy times, you can really show your love when he’s down in the dumps. Whether he’s had a bad day at work or is dealing with a family health crisis, be his rock and show him you are on his side 24/7.
- Support his passions and dreams. From going for a master’s degree to his love of mountain climbing, be his cheerleader. Research his hobbies or goals and bring additional insight to the table.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it really better to just tell him how I feel?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Relationships should be built on honesty, trust, and vulnerability. Don't be scared to show him how you feel so you can move forward together and have a deeper, more meaningful relationship. It's definitely scary to say how you feel, but it's the best thing to do, both for yourself and the other person.
Question

What if he doesn't love me back?

Community Answer

It's not necessarily a bad thing if he does not love you back. His feelings may be progressing more slowly. He may love you later on as your relationship continues to grow. Just because he does not love you does not mean that he does not care about you and want to be with you.
Question

Do I just blurt out "I love you"? Should I say something like "Hey, _______ are you in a relationship? If not,I would like you as a boyfriend." Which one is the best approach?

Community Answer

If he is not your boyfriend, you shouldn't tell him that you love him. Even if you feel like you love him, he may not respond well if you tell him this. Ask him if he is single. If he is single, let him know that you would like to get to know him better.