How to Start a Conversation with a Girl on Facebook

Before you send that first message, try these tips and conversation starters

Co-authored by Imad Jbara

Last Updated: January 8, 2023

Reaching Out

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The Opening Line

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Points of Caution

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Expert Q&A

Starting a conversation with an attractive girl on Facebook can be intimidating, especially if the two of you are only acquaintances or strangers. Try beginning the discussion with a remark or question that demonstrates sincere interest in her, then follow through by being respectful and attentive.

Things You Should Know

Ask open-ended questions to encourage conversation. "Yes" or "no" questions can stall the conversation before it begins.
If you can't figure out how to initiate a conversation, try sending a message referencing something in one of her public photos.
If there's a conversation happening on her public profile, add your own meaningful input to capture her attention.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Reaching Out

1
Send a private message. If you're trying to start a two-way conversation with a girl on Facebook, it's best to send her a private message rather than posting something on her timeline, status, photos, or other public content.
- Sending a private message will make it easier for an actual conversation to develop since both of you will likely feel more comfortable being yourselves when no one else can enter the discussion.
2
Join an existing conversation. The only time you should focus your efforts on the public realm is when you have something meaningful to contribute to an existing conversation currently happening on some portion of her public profile.^{[1]
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- Make sure that you're actually adding to the conversation in a meaningful, non-controversial manner. Avoid disagreeing with her in a way that could cause an argument and create a negative impression, and wait for a relatively lighthearted topic. For instance, if she makes an open request for opinions on which phone she should upgrade to, you could give her your opinion and provide reasoning to back your answer.
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3
Stick with recent content. Even if you've looked at all of her photos from the past five years, you shouldn't let her know that—at least not initially. As a general rule, only like or remark on content that she's posted within the last month to avoid seeming like a Facebook stalker.
- You may need to adjust this time frame based on how often the girl updates her Facebook page. If she updates a dozen times each day, you should probably stick with content she's posted within the last week. On the other hand, if she only updates once a month, it might be appropriate to remark on content she's posted within the last several months.
4
Maintain contact. Starting one conversation may not be enough. Usually, you'll need to continually make an effort to stay in touch before she becomes interested enough to contact you first.^{[2]
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- By making an effort more than once, you're demonstrating a continued, more genuine interest in her.
- Persistence is good, but you should avoid obsession. Starting a new conversation every few hours or every day can be overwhelming, so give her some time to breathe in between your messages.
- Don't continually bug her for a response, either. If she doesn't want to reply to your message, complaining about it won't make her change her mind.
5
Make an impression before sending a friend request. If you aren't already friends with the girl, you should converse with her for a little while before sending her a friend request. She may not accept requests from strangers, but she'll be more likely to accept the request once she gets to know you.
- After you've had a few conversations, ask her if she's okay with you sending a friend request. Getting her approval can demonstrate a high degree of respect, and she'll likely appreciate the gesture.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

The Opening Line

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Ask open questions. Opening with a question can work out well, but you should stick with open questions rather than asking closed ones. Closed questions can be answered with a “yes” or “no,” but open questions require a more detailed reply. As such, open questions can lead into conversation more easily.
- For example, you might try asking about her name.^{[3]
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  - If it's an uncommon name, you could ask about the name itself: “Isla is a lovely name. Do you know what its origins are or what it means?”
  - If it's a common name, you'll have to make the question more personal: "I've always liked the name Rachel. Were you named after anyone, or do your parents just have really great taste in names?"
  - Note that in both examples, the remark opens with a compliment before leading into the question. This isn't strictly necessary, but using both a compliment and a question often creates a more powerful opening line.
2
Find common ground. Figure out if you have anything in common with this girl, even if it's something relatively small and inconsequential. Remarking on this common interest creates an immediate connection, which could put her on friendly terms with you.
- If you have any shared friends on Facebook, you could use that shared connection to start the conversation. For example: “I noticed you're friends with Alex. How did the two of you meet? I've known him since I was kid, and we even grew up in the same neighborhood.”
- Similarly, if you know the girl in real life, you could use your shared experiences in reality. For instance: “You're in Mrs. Smith's fifth period algebra class, right? I'm in her eighth period class. What do you think of her class?”
3
Remark on the moment. Recent events provide a shortcut to common ground since they impact or interest a wide range of people. Try to narrow down your topic to something happening on a local level, though, and zero in on something she might actually have an interest in.
- If possible, narrow it down to something happening in your most intimately shared community. If she lives on the other side of the state, talk to her about something happening in the state. If she lives in your city or neighborhood, skip the statewide news and mention something happening in your specific community.
- Keep in mind that not every girl will be interested in every local topic. For instance, she may not care about the sort of season your city's team is having if she has no interest in the sport they play. If her public profile indicates that she's a fan, though, talking about the season could be a great way to open the conversation.
4
Comment on something she has. If she's holding something in her profile picture or in another recent photograph, make a remark or ask a question about that object. In doing so, you're letting her know that you pay attention to the small details, which demonstrates a greater degree of sincerity and interest.^{[4]
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- Get creative. If she's sitting in a coffee shop and holding a coffee cup, you might ask her what she's drinking. If she's wearing a peculiar necklace, you might compliment the piece and ask her where she got them, under the pretense that you're looking for a gift for your sister (assuming you actually have a sister, of course).
5
Compliment her in unique, genuine ways. A little flattery can help your cause, but only if you're clever about it. Avoid general and overused compliments. When possible, remark on some less notable detail that you sincerely find appealing.
- Compliments on obvious features, like tattoos or hairstyles, can seem insincere even when you really mean what you're saying. Highly noticeable features are complimented more often, so the person complimenting those features will stand out less.
- Avoid overly sexual compliments, too. In other words, don't open the conversation with a compliment about her chest, hips, or backside.
- Try complimenting her about the finer details: her outfit, her name, her interests, and so on. Personalized compliments almost always work better than general ones.
- Instead of just complimenting her just on her looks, compliment her on how smart or intelligent she is.
6
Look past the surface. It isn't always easy to learn about a girl's interests and personality through Facebook, especially if you aren't actually friends yet. Making an effort to address her as a thinking, feeling human being will usually work to your benefit, though, and will usually be more effective than fixating on her appearance.
- Keep this tip in mind when utilizing the other “opening line” suggestions. For instance, the girl in question might have a stunning smile, beautiful eyes, and gorgeous hair. If she's holding a copy of Pride and Prejudice in her profile picture, though, that book is the detail you'll want to address. By remarking on the book she's holding, you're demonstrating interest in her likes and personality, which will give her a much more positive and lasting impression of you.
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Be yourself. As trite as it may sound, you should be yourself when starting and maintaining the conversation. Don't try to be someone you're not in the hopes of impressing her. False facades are hard to maintain, and once it falls apart, she may lose interest or become wary of you.
- Starting the conversation as your real self will make the conversation easier to maintain. Returning to an earlier example, you may not want to comment on the coffee cup she's holding if you hate coffee, or the book she's holding if you don't enjoy reading. If you start a conversation on something that doesn't genuinely interest you, you won't have much to say, and the conversation will end quickly.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Points of Caution

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Demonstrate respect. In simple terms: don't be perverse, rude, or vulgar. Any girl with an iota of self-respect won't tolerate that sort of behavior. Play the part of the polite gentleman if you want her to respond to you in a positive manner.
- Don't treat the girl like an object, curse at her when she doesn't respond the way you'd like her to respond, or turn the conversation to sex before any mutual attraction and romantic interest has been established. Being respectful encompasses more than just these three points, but minding these basic manners will at least be a good start.
2
Use humor cautiously. You can open the conversation with a joke to break the ice, but the wrong joke can start the conversation on an excruciatingly bad note. Humor doesn't always shine through when you're communicating digitally, so it's usually best to save it for when she gets a better understanding of your personality and sense of humor.
- If you do decide to open with a joke, stick with something safe. An obviously cheesy joke can work out well, and mildly self-deprecating humor might make her chuckle, too. Avoid off-color humor or jokes that can be easily misinterpreted, though.
3
Avoid bragging. Opening a conversation by talking about your good points will only make you look egotistical. As the conversation progresses, the girl will likely ask you questions about yourself, and that's when you should start opening up about the details of your own life.
- On a similar note, don't talk and behave as though you're “God's gift to women.” Even if you're the most charming guy alive, no woman is obligated to develop an interest in you. Try your best, but don't blame or insult the girl if it doesn't work out.
4
Practice patience. Even if you're hoping to pursue some sort of relationship with this girl, you shouldn't start the conversation by asking her out. In fact, you should probably wait until you've gotten to know her over the course of several conversations before moving to that stage.
- As a general rule, you should wait until some mutual level of chemistry has been established. If and when you ask her out, do so as casually as possible. You don't even have to call it a “date”—saying that you'd like to meet up and hang out in person is usually the best way to go.
5
Abandon any jealousy. Don't ask her about other guys when you send her that first message. If you obsess too much about the other guys talking to her and appearing in her photos, you'll probably scare her off.
- Only ask her about the other guys in her life if you can do so naturally and as part of another topic. For instance, you could ask her about how she knows a mutual friend who happens to be male or ask her about the mixed group of friends she went to a concert with. The key here is to keep the conversation about her and her experiences while making the identity of the guy a secondary concern.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I talk to a girl on Facebook and ask her out?

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

Christina Jay, NLP

Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach

Expert Answer

Well, I think the best approach is being direct, the sooner you ask someone out, the better it is. That might not be for everybody, but I would say subtle hints, like giving them compliments here and there can be more than enough for them to know that you're interested in them. Then, just ask her out!