How to Go from Casual Dating to Exclusive

Co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: May 31, 2022 References

At some point in your casual relationship, you may start to wonder where things are headed. It's probably time to DTR (define the relationship) but don't worry! This doesn't have to be a stressful conversation and afterward, you'll have a better idea of where your relationship stands. We'll tell you everything you need to know about making the move to an exclusive relationship.

Section 1 of 5:

What's the difference between a casual and exclusive relationship?

You're not seeing other people if you're exclusive. Think of casual dating as going on dates to get to know someone initially. You're both figuring out if you enjoy being around each other. If you do—great! The relationship gets more serious and eventually, you two might decide to stop seeing other people.^{[1]
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- It's totally normal for casual relationships to end if either of you doesn't feel like you've got that spark.
- Keep in mind that some people just look for casual relationships. They may not be interested in a long-term relationship, so figure out your priorities.
- If you haven't portrayed yourself as relationship material so far, you may need to redefine how they see you. For instance, if you've just been friends with benefits, try to be more romantic and flirty with them. This way they see you as boyfriend or girlfriend material.
- You might have started out wanting something casual, only for your feelings to grow stronger as time went by.

Section 2 of 5:

How do I know I’m ready for an exclusive relationship?

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You'll know because it feels right—the relationship is loving and supportive. There's no timeline or rule that says you have to go official after a certain number of dates. It might be time if you're not feeling pressured and you want to take your relationship to the next level because you genuinely enjoy spending time together.
- Not completely sure how you feel? Spend more time together. This gives you extra opportunities to figure out if the relationship is meaningful enough for you to keep going out. For instance, are you counting the hours till your dates or are you ambivalent about meeting up?
- Watch out for red flags like wanting to date until the "right" person comes along, any emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, thinking that you can change the other person, or that commitment will fix problems in the relationship.
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You've figured out what you want from the relationship. An exclusive relationship can mean different things to people. You might want exclusivity if you see it as a path toward settling down and getting married, or maybe you want an exclusive relationship just to ensure that they're not seeing other people. Decide what's important to you, so you can ask your partner if they're on the same page.^{[2]
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- If you feel very strongly about committing to an exclusive relationship, ask yourself if you'd want to end the relationship or keep things casual if your partner isn't ready to go exclusive.
- Remind yourself that you shouldn't have to change who you are to make the relationship work. You should be comfortable and supported for being yourself.

Section 3 of 5:

How can I tell if my partner is ready?

They act like they're in a long-term relationship and you're emotionally connected. You know exactly how they feel and they have no problem sharing their concerns about the relationship. You get a sense that your partner is already committed to you because you can trust each other. They have your back and you have theirs.^{[3]
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- Your partner may actually be the one dropping hints that they'd like to make things exclusive.

Section 4 of 5:

Signs That It’s Time for an Exclusive Relationship

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You spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company. If it's more than a casual thing, then you have an intense desire to see them. You're also not just meeting up to have a casual fling. Instead, you both make time for each other, even with busy schedules.^{[4]
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- You might surprise each other with little thoughtful gestures, too.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend might say something like, "I haven't seen you in two days. That's two days too long!"
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You communicate when you can't get together. You call, text, or message each other frequently because you miss one another. You shouldn't be getting a text out of the blue when they get around to answering your message. Instead, you're on each other's minds, so you're sending cute gifs, sharing funny memes, or catching up with a phone call.^{[5]
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- Are you two official on social media? This is definitely a sign that the relationship is going somewhere.
- For instance, you might get a text like, "I miss you. What are you up to right now?" or, "I just had a really weird class. Can't wait to tell you about it."
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Neither of you is seeing other people. This is one of the biggest differences between a casual and exclusive relationship of course. If you're ready to commit, you have to know that they're not dating other people casually. You may already know that they're not, but if you're unsure, this is something you need to discuss when you have the talk.
- Don't assume that just because you're going out and you feel serious about them that they feel exclusive, too.
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You share an emotional connection and feel supported. As a couple, you've spent a lot of time talking about what's important to you. You feel comfortable sharing your feelings and your partner lets you know how they're doing. You've probably found that you have the same viewpoints about important issues and you've made plans for the future.
- Again, you'll know it's time to talk because it just feels like the right time and you've been going out long enough to feel like you're ready.
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You've met each other's family and friends. It's actually a pretty big deal if you've been introduced to people that are close to them. This means that you're an important person to them and they want their friends and family to see you as a couple.^{[6]
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- Another way to think of it—they're proud to show you off! This is a good sign that they value you and the relationship that you two have.

Section 5 of 5:

Having the Conversation

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Choose a quiet private place to talk without distractions. It's hard having a serious relationship talk if you spring it on the other person at the wrong time or place. Pick a time when neither of you is stressed or tired, and meet somewhere that's not too loud, so you can hear each other talk. Put away phones and give each other your full attention.^{[7]
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- It can really help to plan out what you want to say beforehand. This way, you won't feel quite so nervous and you can stick to your most important points.
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Make it clear that you're interested in an exclusive relationship. We get it—relationship conversations can be awkward, but they don't have to be! Be direct and tell them that you'd like to be in an exclusive relationship with them. You can point out a few reasons, but keep it simple and short. Make sure you bring up what you like about your relationship, too.
- For instance, say, "I was thinking we should be exclusive. We get along so well and I see myself with you for a while. What do you think?"
- Remember—while any conversation is a risk, it's healthier to be open and honest rather than hiding your feelings.
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Keep your conversation simple and logical. If you immediately launch into how you feel without giving them a chance to respond or think, they'll probably feel an emotional overload. Put yourself in their shoes and keep your conversation light and straightforward.
- For instance, don't spend 10 minutes telling them how you feel like everyone's nagging you about your relationship status, asking them when are you going to make it official, or how you're starting to resent them.
- Say something like, "I think we make a good couple and I want to know what you think about us becoming exclusive," or "I really can't imagine going out with anyone else—I'm really happy with our relationship. Do you think it's time to make it official?"
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Give each other space to think about your conversation. People usually need time to make big life choices, so don't expect an answer right away. Take the pressure off by saying something like, "You don't have to let me know yes or no today, but I want you to think about it." If they go completely silent, it's a sign that they're processing what you said. You'll probably need to bring it up later once they've thought things through.^{[8]
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- For instance, you could say, "I just wanted to go back to that conversation we had last week about us going exclusive. Had you had a chance to think?"
- This is also a good chance for you to think about how the conversation went. Maybe you had expected them to eagerly agree to an exclusive relationship only to find that they clammed up.
- Keep in mind that changing the nature of your relationship is essentially renegotiating the relationship. Although it may not be what you were hoping for, you should be prepared to end it if you don't feel like you two have the same outlook or goals for the relationship.
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Listen to what they have to say. Your gut instinct will probably let you know right away how the talk went! If they immediately rejected the idea, looked panicked, or made excuses, it may have been too soon to have the discussion or they simply don't want an exclusive relationship.^{[9]
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Research source} On the other hand, maybe they were totally open to the idea and enthusiastically agreed.
- If you're worried that you scared them off by bringing up the relationship too soon, it's completely fine to say, "I think I may have brought this up too soon. Can we just revisit this down the road and keep things casual for now?"
- If you're unhappy with their reaction, it's okay to be honest with them. You could say, "Wow, I really didn't think you'd respond like that, but I'm glad to know that you aren't looking for something serious. I'm not sure if I'd like to keep things casual."
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Work on developing a healthy relationship if you agree to be exclusive. You'll probably find that not much has actually changed within your relationship. However, make a point of pursuing your own individual interests and keep putting effort into the relationship. Remember to appreciate your partner—let them know you care!^{[10]
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- For instance, make time for one another even when you're busy and keep the lines of communication open. Make it easy to talk about issues that pop up in the relationship.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do I have such a hard time being vulnerable?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

You might have deeper issues about intimacy—perhaps you've been hurt before, and it's hard for you to open up and be vulnerable. You can go to a therapist to specifically address and resolve this issue.