How to Officially Have a Crush on Someone

Last Updated: July 9, 2022 References

Whether you’re a veteran in the world of love or haven’t yet experienced your first love, it’s a complicated feeling to navigate. Developing feelings for someone is exciting, but it can be overwhelming.^{[1]
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Research source} No matter your age or gender, having a new crush will make your stomach flip because every crush is a chance to get to know someone and maybe even fall in love. Whether you’re already crushing or wish you had a crush, here are some steps to make it official and get to that next stage.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach and licensed social worker, Julianne Cantarella. Check out the full interview here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Finding Someone You Like

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Explore your attraction. Physical attraction is often the first step in developing a crush. Don’t feel shallow for initially being drawn to someone because you like how tall they are or because their eyes make you swoon.^{[2]
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Research source} When it comes to attraction, humans have biological impulses.^{[3]
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- Look around you at work or at school. If someone makes your heart flutter on first sight, try to meet them. Find excuses to spend time around them like asking them to help you with a school or work project.
- Don’t discount people because they aren’t your “type.” Sometimes crushes come in the least expected packages, so don't lose opportunity by being close-minded. ^{[4]
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Take a second look. Not all crushes come out of initial physical attraction. Look at the friends and acquaintances you already have. Who do you find yourself wanting to spend the most time with? Have you ever had an inkling of something more than friendship with any of them?
- Look for the laughs. Genuine and frequent laughter is often a good sign of initial compatibility. If someone makes you smile, it’s worth a lot. ^{[5]
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- If you know a friend has a crush on you but you’re not sure if you’re physically attracted to the person, ask yourself some questions about the emotional side of things. Try writing a list of all the things you like about that person. Ask yourself how the list makes you feel. Often, as emotional attraction grows, physical attraction follows. ^{[6]
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Put yourself out there. It’s simple—if you don’t put yourself into new situations, you won’t meet new people. Try attending events and joining activities that reflect your interests. This will help you meet like-minded people and give you an automatic conversation starter. ^{[7]
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Try online. It’s not for everyone, but it’s an undeniable part of dating today. Online dating can be an easy way to break the ice and find people with similar interests. If you use online dating, be sure to meet in person as soon as you can. There’s no substitute for body language in conversion, and you’ll be able to determine if the spark is really there.
- Research dating sites. Like dating in real life, different dating sites are right for different people. They all offer different types of services and levels of customization. ^{[8]
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- Don’t overlook social media. Social media can be a great way to reconnect with old flames or old friends or to meet new people. It takes some of the risk out of online dating. Through someone’s social media profile, you can see a slightly less curated version of their lives and check if you have mutual friends or interests. Sending a quick, personal message is painless, and there’s no pressure for the other person to respond if they aren’t interested.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Letting Your Crush Know You Like Them (Or Not)

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Be honest with yourself. Sometimes crushes are unavoidable. Know when you should let your crush in on your attraction or keep it to yourself.
- If your crush is in a relationship of any kind, let it go. Period. You don’t want to break up your crush and their significant other, and chances are they won’t return your feelings. Even if they do, it’s sure to become messy quickly
- It should go without saying, but only approach good people. If you have any knowledge that your crush has done or said something violent, cruel, or illegal, run in the other direction. No matter how romanticized in books and movies, the “bad girl” or “bad boy” never makes for a good partner.
- If you do like a friend, make sure it’s worth the risk. Letting a friend know you want more out of the friendship might lead to awkwardness or distance. Make a pros and cons list, and think about how this specific person might respond if they don’t return your feelings. ^{[9]
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Start subtle. If you decide your crush is worthy of your attention, begin with small gestures of attention. This way you can clue them in on your feelings without scaring them away.
- Invite them to group events. You don’t have to start out asking your date to a romantic dinner for two. Try inviting them to casual hangouts with your friends. You can show them how fun you are in a social setting without the pressure of private conversation.
- Extend an open-ended invitation. For example, if you find out this person likes sushi, say something like, “We should get sushi sometime!” If they say “yes,” it leaves it up to them to make the actual plans, and if they never follow up, they probably weren’t truly interested. ^{[10]
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- Use body language. When you’re hanging out, give them a small touch on the arm, or sit slightly closer to them than you would one of your friends. Gauge their physical reaction to your closeness. If they return these small gestures unconsciously, chances are good that they like you, too.^{[11]
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Practice flirting. Simple flirting can help you win over your crush. Flirting doesn't have to be stressful or complicated.^{[12]
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- Add emojis. If you're texting, try adding just a few smiley faces to your messages to let your crush know that talking to them makes you smile.
- Tease him a little. Don't be mean, but a little bit of playful teasing can go a long way.
- Use your eyes. Let him catch you staring for a couple of seconds and then quickly look away.
- Mimic the other person's body language whenever possible. If they're sitting back, for example, do the same.
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Conquer your shyness. Being shy can make talking to your crush that much more difficult.^{[13]
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Research source} Work on your confidence so you can approach your crush.
- It's okay to be nervous. Don't try too hard to hide it. Your crush will think it's sweet.
- Focus on your crush, not yourself. Think about all the great things about them. Shyness often begins when you are too focused on your own insecurities.
- Start with a common interest. Talk about something you love and are very familiar with. This will help you avoid awkward pauses.
- Text. Communicating through texts can be a great way for a shy person to get to know someone. It will help you become comfortable and make it easier to talk in person.
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Keep it straightforward. After you have hinted your affections subtly for a while, let your crush know how you feel. Don’t think you have to wait for your crush to make the first big move. Keep your statement short and simple.
- Don’t feel like you have to initiate in person. Write a quick note or send a text message after a hang out session.
- After this, invite them to do something that is clearly a date. Say something like, “I have really enjoyed getting to know you better! Would you want to go out to dinner with me on Thursday?” Keep it simple and specific.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Accepting Their Answer

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Learn to take a no. If someone doesn’t respond to your flirting or rejects you outright, let them go. Don’t dwell on what you could have done differently, and don’t try to change their mind. At this stage in the relationship, take what your crush says at face value. Look at a “no” as an opportunity to meet someone even better.
- Remember, this will take time. Don’t be discouraged if you continue to have feelings for your crush. Just do your best to interact with new people, and don’t be tempted to continue trying to flirt with your crush.
- Let yourself be sad. It’s fine to take a day or a week to wallow a little. Vent to your friends. Treat yourself to a nice meal.
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Get a second opinion. If you’ve been flirting with your crush for a while, but you’re still not sure whether or not they return your feelings, it can help to ask friends. Try to ask friends who know your crush fairly well. Sometimes, an objective opinion can help you understand what someone really feels.
- If your friends think your crush is interested, it may be time to be more blunt with your crush about their feelings. Just ask them like this: “Hey! I have a confession to make. I have been really crushing on you lately. Just wondering if maybe you felt the same?”
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Celebrate returned feelings. If your crush returns your feelings, let yourself enjoy the moment. Keep flirting, and keep things light-hearted for a while. Don’t feel pressured to progress into the serious stage of a relationship too quickly.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you know if it's love or attraction?

Julianne Cantarella
Dating & Relationship Coach
Julianne Cantarella is a Dating Coach, Certified Life Coach, Licensed Social Worker, and the CEO and President of New Jersey's Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping women heal from a heartbreak and create healthy long-term relationships. Julianne created a comprehensive transformational date coaching program From First Date to Soulmate™ that has helped hundreds of women find love. She holds a Bachelor of Social Work (BSW) from Ramapo College of New Jersey and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from Fordham University. Julianne has contributed to numerous media such as Your Tango Online Magazine, 24Seven Wellness Magazine, and Talk of The Town Magazine. She has also been featured as a relationship expert on CBS, iHeartRadio, and PBS “This Emotional Life Project.”

Julianne Cantarella

Dating & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Love grows over time, when you spend time with someone and share experiences with them. Attraction is usually a start, but it's only going to carry the relationship if love is found along the way.