How to Love an Overthinker

Written by Chloe Carmichael, PhD | Edited by Eric McClure

Last Updated: October 10, 2022 References

If you’re dating an overthinker, you may be wondering how you can best show them you care. While your partner may be a little indecisive sometimes, rest assured that there are plenty of ways for you to support and love them. In this article, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know about building a relationship with an overthinker so that you can understand and support them the best way you can.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical therapist and adjunct professor, Rebecca Tenzer, owner of Astute Counseling Services. Check out the full interview here.

1

Take the lead.

Don’t be afraid to make a decision if your partner struggles. Loving an overthinker means that you’ll need to take the reins every now and then. Lean into it and don’t shy away from making the call when it comes to which movie to see, where to grab a bite to eat, or when to take a vacation this summer. You should still talk through bigger life decisions with your partner, but revel in your role as a leader when it comes to the small stuff!^{[1]
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- When an overthinker does step up to make a decision, respect their choice. Overthinkers have already thought through the alternatives.

2

Reassure them.

Overthinkers often need someone to tell them it’s going to be okay. As an overthinker, your partner may spend an excessive amount of time worrying and thinking through worst-case scenarios. Even if you think your partner already knows you love them, say it anyways! If you get into a disagreement, remind them that you don’t hate them. If they’re worried about something at work or school, show them empathy and remind them they’ve got this.
- Give hugs and kisses liberally, and do not hesitate to do the little things that show you care.

3

Communicate honestly.

If they catch you in a single lie, they’ll overthink everything you say. Don’t play fast and loose with the truth around an overthinker. Your partner is observant, and if they spot some untruth, they’re never going to stop being suspicious of you in the future. If you’ve had to play games with previous partners, you won’t need to do that anymore. They mean what they say, and you should, too.^{[2]
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- This doesn’t mean you should be cruel with the truth. It’s possible to be honest without being brutally honest.
- Communication is extremely important to overthinkers, so don’t shy away from telling them how you feel or what you think. So long as you’re honest, they’ll respect it.

4

Choose your words carefully.

Overthinkers can latch on to tiny things, so speak with compassion. Your partner may not take it all that well if you poke fun at them or crack a joke at their expense. Even if you’re just trying to be playful or throw some witty banter their way, it may backfire. It’s okay to be sarcastic or have fun, just be mindful of what you say.^{[3]
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- Overthinkers get a bad wrap for being sensitive or focusing on what’s going wrong instead of what’s going right. Being with an overthinker is great if you value vulnerability and want a partner who will support and treasure you.

5

Give them compliments and praise.

Making an overthinker feel valued can alleviate a lot of their fears. As an overthinker, your partner may convince themselves that they’re doing something wrong, or screwing things up. Do everything you can to make your partner feel loved, supported, and powerful. If they’re anxious about something, let them know they’ve got a solid partner who will be there for them.^{[4]
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- Saying things like “I love that outfit!” or, “You know, you really have beautiful eyes,” can really make an overthinker’s day!

6

Respect their concerns.

Acknowledge their worries when they’re reasonable to validate them. If the overthinker in your life is worried about something, recognize that it’s all a part of their process. Acknowledge that it’s reasonable for them to be concerned about something while reminding them that there’s a solution to their problem somewhere. This way, they’ll feel seen and heard, but not like whatever they’re dealing with is insurmountable.
- For example, if they’re concerned they’re going to lose their job because they lost a major client, you might say, “I totally understand why you’re worried. I get it. I wouldn’t assume the worst yet, though. Besides, you can always get a new gig!”
- It's always good to talk through someone's fears when they're overthinking. Talking about legitimate fears can lead to a good discussion, while talking about irrational fears can be a good way to offer reassurance.

7

Check in with your partner regularly.

Little emotional check-ins can give them space to express themselves. Once a week or so, ask them if everything is going alright in a super calm and loving way. Even if they say everything’s fine and they move on, keep doing it. These little check-ins are important when it comes to cultivating an open and communicative environment, which is important for an overthinker.
- For example, you might say, “Hey, are we doing alright? I just want to check in and make sure we’re solid.”
- Overthinkers tend to keep their worries and concerns to themselves. By creating a little bit of space for them to open up, they’ll eventually learn that it’s okay to say something when something’s on their mind.

8

Be a sounding board for your partner.

Asking questions can help an overthinker process how they feel. If they’re being quiet and it’s obvious they’re deep in thought, ask them what’s on their mind. If they express an idea or thought, pepper them with follow-up questions to hear more about where they’re coming from. Your partner will really value your interest in hearing what’s going on in their head.
- For example, if they tell you that they’re concerned about a friendship ending over a disagreement, you might ask them, “Have you tried talking it out?” or “What caused the fight?”
- If they bring up that they’re thinking about starting a new hobby, you could ask, “Have you always been interested in this?” or “That sounds neat. How much does it cost to get started?”

9

Take them at their word.

Demonstrating trust encourages an overthinker to open up more often. Overthinkers spend a lot of time arriving at their ideas and decisions, so don’t question your partner or doubt their intentions when they share their opinions or plans with them. You don’t have to blindly agree with them, but second-guessing their intent or assuming the worst will encourage them to overthink in the future.^{[5]
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10

Open up to them.

Share your thoughts and ideas to grow closer with your partner. Overthinkers tend to be very intellectual and thoughtful. If you want to express your love for them, let them in on whatever’s going on in your head! Whether it’s a passing thought about what kind of future you want, or a silly daydream about a memory you have, let your partner know what you’re feeling and thinking about.
- This is a key part of being vulnerable. Vulnerability and authenticity go a long way to making an overthinker feel comfortable.
- If you have a habit of shutting down when something’s bothering you, your partner is going to be prone to thinking you’re upset if you don’t openly share what you’re thinking.

11

Be a perpetual optimist.

Overthinkers often lock in on cynical thoughts, so be upbeat. Every yin needs a yang, and a relationship with an overthinker will definitely benefit from some optimism. If you find the love of your life fixating on the downside, try to lift their spirits. Spread positive energy, remind them that things aren’t so bad, and be compassionate.^{[6]
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- For example, if they’ve got a paper due next week and they keep talking about how bad their grade is going to be, you might say something like, “You always think you’ll fail and you never do. You’re a better writer than you think!”

12

Don’t tell them to stop overthinking.

It’s important to remember that they aren’t choosing to overthink. Everybody is different, and it’s key that you understand this is simply how your partner is wired. Telling them to stop overthinking is just going to stress them out, so try to not get frustrated with them if they get lost in a train of thought. Be patient, give them space to work through their feelings when they need it, and enjoy your time with them.^{[7]
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