How to Ignore Your Mean Ex Boyfriend

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Last Updated: July 9, 2022 References

Breakups are never easy, especially when your ex becomes mean and vindictive.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} The best way to deal with a mean ex-boyfriend is to simply ignore him as much as possible and move on with your life. Even if you have no choice but to see him regularly, you can still deal with the situation like a pro by showing him that his mean behavior has no effect on you.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Distancing Yourself

1
Avoid contact.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Don't initiate any contact with your ex, including phone calls, texts, emails, messages on social media, and in-person conversations. If he tries to initiate contact with you, don't respond.
- Depending on the situation, you may want to respond to a text or email by simply telling your ex that you are not interested in talking to him.^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} If he is being completely unreasonable, don't bother responding.
- If you are getting threatening messages from your ex or he is stalking you, report the behavior to the police immediately. You may be able to get a restraining order to keep him from contacting you or coming near you.
- If your ex-boyfriend will not stop calling, texting, or emailing you, you can block his number and email address. If he is very persistent and starts calling you from other people's phones or emailing you from different addresses, you might want to consider changing your phone number and/or email address.
- Most social media sites allow multiple options for blocking or ignoring a person. If you want to prevent your ex-boyfriend from viewing your profile and you want him to get the message that you don't want any contact with him, block him. If you don't want to take it to that extreme, but you also don't want to see any updates from your ex, ignore or unfollow him.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- If possible, avoid places where you know you are likely to run into your ex. If this is not possible, just keep walking when you see him instead of stopping to talk.
2
Don't talk directly to him.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} If you share mutual friends, have classes together, or work together, you might have no choice but to spend some time in the same room with your ex. It might be hard at first, but do your best to interact with everyone else in the room normally, and avoid talking to your ex as much as possible.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Don't go overboard by literally pretending not to see him. This will probably make him think that you're uncomfortable being around him, which is not what you want. Instead, address him as you would a stranger. Keep your interactions brief and avoid body language that suggests intimacy, like direct eye contact.
- If you're with a group of people, make an effort to talk to other people in the group instead of to your ex-boyfriend.
- If your ex starts talking to you, respond politely, but very briefly, so he will know you're not interested in talking.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} For example, if he says, "That math test was really hard. How do you think you did," just say, "Fine," and show no interest in continuing the conversation.
- If your ex-boyfriend tries to use other people to give you messages, respond according to the situation. If the messenger is your friend, just tell him that you're not interested in hearing what your ex has to say and you hope that he won't let that get in the way of your friendship. If the messenger is not your friend and has been sent by your ex to say something mean to you, just ignore him.
Advertisement
3
Find new attachment figures. If you're like most people, your boyfriend was probably the first person you went to for consolation when something bad happened to you, and also the first person you told when something exciting happened. This can make it very hard to let go of your ex because you may still feel like contacting him in these situations. Instead, try turning to a friend, a sibling, or a parent.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- It might be tempting to replace your ex with a new boyfriend, but don't do this unless you're really ready to commit yourself to a new relationship. If you do feel ready, then go ahead and date new people.
4
Stay busy. It will be much easier to ignore your ex-boyfriend if you really are occupied with other things. Start doing more things with your friends, join a club, or take up a new hobby to get your mind off your ex and make ignoring him completely natural.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- If you and your ex-boyfriend are in the same social circles, it will help if he sees you looking happy and enjoying life without him. This will make him feel like none of the mean things he's been doing are having any effect on you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Dealing With Mean Behavior

1
Never let it bother you! If he calls you ugly or fat, never believe it. Remind yourself that he's just upset that you broke up and doesn't know how to deal with it maturely.
2
Respond with kindness. You don't have to go out of your way to give him compliments, but don't be nasty in return if your ex-boyfriend says something mean to you. Keep your cool in these situations and show him that what he's doing isn't bothering you.
3
Be the better person. This means being nice behind his back as well as to his face. Never try to get even and spread rumors about him. If you do things like this, you will be acting just as mean and immature as your ex, and you will probably make the tension between the two of you worse.^{[10]
X
Research source}
4
Talk to your friends. If you and your ex-boyfriend have mutual friends and his mean behavior is making social interactions uncomfortable for you, let your friends know what's going on. They may be able to reason with your ex in a way that you would not be able to, or they may decide to stop inviting him to events as long as he continues to be mean to you.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Depending on the relationship that both you and your ex have with your friends, you may have to be willing to cut ties with some of them. Keep in mind that someone who encourages your ex to be mean to you is not really your friend at all.
- Talking to your friends about the situation will also give you a way to vent. Supportive friends will make you feel good about yourself, which will make it much easier to deal with your mean ex.
5
Report dangerous behavior. If you ex's behavior gets serious enough that you feel like you are in danger, report him to an adult at your school or to the police.^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} You should never have to live in fear of being harmed or harassed, so don't be shy about asking for help.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I deal with a toxic ex boyfriend?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It may be prudent to establish or reestablish your boundaries. Make your ex aware that you are insisting that all forms of communication cease, effective immediately. Document all conversations and interactions with your ex, and if the undesirable behaviors continue, do not hesitate or be persuaded from contacting the authorities.
Question

Why does my ex want to hurt me so much?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

The end of a relationship may have dug up raw emotions for your partner. They may feel unsure how to make sense of these emotions or they may be totally out-of-touch with their emotions altogether.
Question

How do you know if your ex hates you?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

The conclusion of a relationship can foster emotions ranging from disappointment, heartbreak, and overwhelming distress. If your ex had a volatile personality, such as displaying excessive jealousy, outbursts, frequent lying, and inability to self-regulate, then you will have greater understanding of just why he may be reacting this way.