Proven strategies to warm your ex's heart and reignite your dynamic
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This article was co-authored by Lisa Shield and by wikiHow staff writer, Madeleine Flamiano. Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.
There are 24 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 100% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status.
This article has been viewed 1,152,631 times.
Still in love with your ex? There's no shame in that—while they may seem like the one that got away, there are tons of ways to get them back. In this article, we'll give you an effective game plan for salvaging your relationship and share a treasure trove of expert-backed tips to help your old flame see you for the gem you are. So, get ready to put your best self on display and give your connection another go!
Things You Should Know
- Go “no contact” for 30 days to allow things to settle a bit after the breakup.
- Focus on living your best life to show your ex how awesome and independent you are.
- Snag your ex's attention by reaching back out and reminding them of happy memories.
- Talk about what went wrong in the past and let your ex know that you're willing to work to be a better partner.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Reflecting On Your Dynamic with Your Ex
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1Go “no contact” for 30 days. Keep your distance and allow some time for things to settle.[1] Take this opportunity to process the breakup, reflect on your emotions, and prepare to move on. Who knows—after this period, you might decide that you don’t actually want your ex back. What’s most important is that you empower yourself and heal from the breakup.[2]
- When you go silent, you’ll also create a sense of intrigue and mystique. Your ex might wonder what you’re up to and start to pine for you.
- Avoid texting your ex or responding to their texts until you’ve had enough time to process the breakup. It may be hard to resist staying in contact with them, but it’s for the best—you’re better off talking to your ex when you’re in a good headspace.
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2Check if your ex is still available. Before you launch into a quest to get your ex back, check to see what their relationship status is. After all, if it’s been a while since the two of you broke up, your ex might’ve moved on and started seeing someone else. If that’s the case, it’s better to avoid any drama and start pursuing other people instead.[3]
- Steer clear of reuniting with your ex if they’re seeing someone else. Focus on your own hobbies and interests, see other people, and be patient.
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3Consider why you want your ex back. While the relationship might’ve been great, sometimes it’s better to leave an old dynamic in the past or let go of a former partner. Before you start trying to get your ex back, consider your motivations.[4] Some honest self-reflection can help you avoid reigniting a relationship that’s toxic or that doesn’t serve your best interests.[5]
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Good reasons for getting back together:
- Your timing was off the first time you were together.
- You needed more time to get over a previous relationship.
- You have developed a new appreciation for your ex.
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Bad reasons for getting back together:
- You’re scared of being alone. (Of course, it’s natural to be lonely after an old relationship goes south, but that doesn’t mean you should plunge back into that relationship.)
- You miss what’s familiar to you. (Again, this is a completely normal feeling, but that doesn’t mean you should get back together.)
- You’re jealous of their new relationship. (This is a totally understandable experience, but it’s not exactly a healthy reason to start afresh with an ex.)
- Enlist a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to consider why you want to get back with your ex. They can help you tease out some less-than-stellar reasons and might even help you move on.
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Good reasons for getting back together:
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4Determine if the relationship was healthy and worth reviving. In addition to reviewing the reasons for wanting to reunite with an ex, reflect on your old relationship. Did it bring out the best or the worst in each of you? Were you both encouraging to one another and positive forces in each other’s lives? If you broke up because the relationship was negative for one or both of you, you may want to hold off on getting back together.[6]
- For example, if you two fought all the time or did not actually enjoy spending time together, then it’s probably best for you and your ex to part ways.
- Some couples are so focused on getting back together that they don't acknowledge the issues and problems that prevented them from having a functional relationship.
- Try to give your past relationship a sober and realistic assessment. It’s okay to recognize that it wasn’t healthy and to cut your losses.
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5Make a list of pros and cons if you’re unsure about reuniting. If you have a lot of mixed feelings about getting back together with your ex, take a moment to sort out the negative and positive aspects of your dynamic. Take out a pen and paper or a word doc and make a list with two categories: pros and cons. Be honest with yourself as you make this list and don’t omit anything just because it seems small or insignificant. List everything you can to get a good picture of how you and your ex function together:[7]
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Pros
- They use my love language, praise and words of affirmation.
- They are very warm and affectionate.
- They're kind to my friends and family.
- They're creative and interesting.
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Cons
- Sometimes they're flaky.
- They aren't that great with logistics.
- They don't notice when I'm having a hard time.
- They aren't that motivated or driven.
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Pros
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Reconnecting with Your Ex
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1Focus on yourself. Even if you’re 100% sure that you want to get back together with your ex, it’s important to put yourself first. Let loose and put your ex on the backburner for a bit—it’ll be worth it in the end.[8] After all, it’s incredibly alluring to be confident and empowered. Use the extra time that you have to improve yourself. Some ways you might prioritize yourself include:[9]
- Taking up a new hobby.
- Improving your health with a new exercise and diet regimen.
- Starting a journal to record your thoughts and feelings.
- Spending more time with your friends.
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2Reestablish contact with your ex. Start off slow—all you need to do is send a super chill text, which is a lot more low-key and low-pressure than a phone call or a long email.[10] Feel free to be friendly since a positive tone is always endearing. Throw in an emoji or two to lighten things up.[11]
- Keep the message light and casual.[12] Don’t say anything intense like, “I can’t live without you.” Tell your ex about something funny that happened to you or something interesting that reminded you of your ex.
- For example, you might say, “I dominated at Scrabble the other night! 😝 Probably because you weren’t there to upstage me!” or “Hey, stranger. 😉 There’s a new drive-in theater in town. It reminded me of my favorite movie buff.”
- Make sure that you’re sober when you reconnect with your ex. Drunk texts or calls are a recipe for disaster.
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3Act casual when you talk to your ex. As you continue to communicate with your ex, hold off on telling them that you want to get back together. Remember—right now, you’re just testing the waters. You’ll have a better chance with your ex because you’ll seem calm and like you’re in a good place. Your easygoing attitude will be incredibly attractive.[13]
- If you happen to bump into your ex, the same rules apply: be laidback. Engage in some small talk, and avoid any chats about reigniting your relationship. Your ex will probably be impressed by how well you’re doing after the breakup.
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4Meet up for coffee or lunch. Get together during the day, which is less serious and intimate than a nighttime meeting—you don’t want to give off the impression that you want to be romantic just yet. Break the ice, catch up, and build rapport. During this time, you can decide if you’d like to keep pursuing your ex.[14]
- Make sure you look fantastic: wear your best outfit, put on a signature scent, and style your hair. It’s totally fine to look your best when you reunite. When your ex sees you, you might fire up a strong attraction right away.
- Kick things off with a conversational starter. For example, ease into things with a simple, “Thanks for coming to see me! How’ve you been lately?”
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5Remind your ex of happy memories. Getting really nostalgic about the good times you shared together is an excellent way to rekindle an old flame.[15] Steer clear of any discussions about what went wrong, and instead dive into what felt right. Whether it was a camping trip or all the times you cooked together, talking about any warm and romantic moments are a great way to make your ex miss your relationship.[16]
- Later, you can have a really practical conversation about ways you’d need to improve on your relationship. Right now, just reminisce about positive experiences.
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6Be the person your ex fell in love with. Consider what attracted them to you in the first place and play those assets up.[17] For example, was your ex nuts about your sense of humor and all the ways you made them laugh? Were you really witty and analytical? Whatever the case is, showcase parts of yourself that they adored and they’ll be smitten all over again.[18]
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7Be patient. Although it might be hard, it’s important to wait things out. Bear in mind that your dynamic is different right now and that things won’t be like a committed relationship right away. Even if your ex doesn’t respond to your texts right away or doesn’t always want to hang out, stay optimistic. Any contact with your ex is a good sign that things can develop.[19]
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8Watch for signs of interest. Is your ex warm, friendly, and excited to hear from you? Do they make an effort to reach out, and are you both equally invested in spending time with one another?[20] If the answer to all these questions is “yes,” then it’s safe to assume that you have a shot with your ex.[21]
- Paying attention to body language can also clue you in on their feelings.[22] If they blush around you or give you PDA, like lots of hugs or light touches, they're probably flirting with you.[23]
- To save yourself from disappointment, just make sure not to set your expectations too high. Right now, your ex might just want to be friends. Wait for them to speak up about what kind of dynamic they want.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Talking About Getting Back Together
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1Say what’s on your mind. At some point, in order to move past just a friendship, you’ll have to confess how you feel. Starting this conversation might be a little awkward, but it’ll be worth it so you can put everything out in the open. If your ex doesn’t bring up the possibility of getting back together, do it yourself. Be sensitive and warm, and indicate a willingness to work on things—your authenticity may really win them over.[24]
- Try saying something like, “Since we have had some time apart, I’ve really grown and I think that I’d like to give our relationship another chance. Does that interest you at all?
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2Discuss what went wrong the first time you were together. Inevitably, you and your ex will need to address the reasons why you broke up. Since your ex may be skeptical of your growth or willingness to change, you may need to reassure them. Make sure to share how you’ve improved upon yourself and taken action to fix anything that was a problem, like a failure to communicate. Your honesty and openness will help your ex realize that the relationship won’t hit the same snags the second time around.[25]
- Use "I" language so that you focus on what you were responsible for in the relationship: "I know that I was very spotty with communication and left you in the dark on several occasions. I was not as present and available as I should have been."
- Be solution-oriented so your ex feels optimistic: "I will make sure to touch base every day and be an active listener. You deserve someone who's open to talk to you about what you're struggling with. I want to be that person for you."
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3Commit to change. If you’ve told your ex that you’ll alter your behavior in some way, keep true to your promises. Your follow-through and dedication to positive habits, like giving your ex more praise or attention, will make a good impression on your ex. Make sure you and your partner are clear on what you both need to work on. For you both to stand the test of time, you’ll have to be a team.[26]
- Other topics you both may wish to discuss are how to improve your communication, how to listen better, or how to establish better boundaries.[27]
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4Be willing to accept rejection. In some cases, reconciliation just isn’t possible. If your ex isn’t willing to give your relationship another try, respect them for being honest with you. Don’t pressure them to get back together: simply thank them for stating their truth. Chances are, their decision is for the best, and it’s a great time for you to move on and see what else is out there.[28]
- If your ex establishes boundaries, then respond respectfully. For example, say, "Thank you for telling me where you're at. I wish you the best."
- Work on moving on from your relationship so that you can end an attachment to an ex who no longer wishes to stay in touch.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat do I do if he broke up with me and never told me why?
wikiHowOur goal at wikiHow is to deliver trustworthy articles that engage our readers and meet their informational and emotional needs. For 15 years, we've committed to our step-by-step teaching model, and we continue to refine our content to create the best how-to experience on the Internet. We’ve helped millions of people solve problems, learn new skills, and feel supported in the ordinary and complex moments of life.
The most trusted how-to site on the internet.Go no-contact for 30 days so both of you can reflect on the relationship. Right now, he may not even be sure why he broke up with you and may need more time evaluating his motivations. If you're willing to be patient, you're more likely to get a high-quality response from him. To open the window of opportunity for a heart-to-heart, reach out and build a friendship. After you're on speaking terms, ask him if he'd be willing to discuss why he broke up with you. Be willing to actively listen and respond with empathy. -
QuestionWhat do I do if he lost feelings and is now ignoring me? I want him back, but I don't know how to attract him again, and I don't know what to say to him after I go no contact. Another issue is that I run into him every day.wikiHowOur goal at wikiHow is to deliver trustworthy articles that engage our readers and meet their informational and emotional needs. For 15 years, we've committed to our step-by-step teaching model, and we continue to refine our content to create the best how-to experience on the Internet. We’ve helped millions of people solve problems, learn new skills, and feel supported in the ordinary and complex moments of life.
The most trusted how-to site on the internet.The fact that you run into him every day may be a blessing in disguise, friend. It's great that you're willing to go "no contact," because that really helps you project independence and strength: you're basically telling him that you don't need him, which creates a sense of intrigue and mystery. Right now, work on yourself: throw yourself into your favorite activities, catch up with friends, and dress well. When you're having the time of your life, he'll definitely notice this and may finally work up the nerve to approach you. -
QuestionMy boyfriend broke up with me after dating for a few years. Our love life was so sweet because he was very loving and caring. I never thought we would break up, so I gave him all my heart. How can I recover from this?wikiHowOur goal at wikiHow is to deliver trustworthy articles that engage our readers and meet their informational and emotional needs. For 15 years, we've committed to our step-by-step teaching model, and we continue to refine our content to create the best how-to experience on the Internet. We’ve helped millions of people solve problems, learn new skills, and feel supported in the ordinary and complex moments of life.
The most trusted how-to site on the internet.It's totally understandable to mourn a dynamic that was picture-perfect and heartwarming. Even though it may be hard to reflect on the past, it's important to identify the strengths of an old relationship—that way, you can make a strong case for why the both of you should salvage it. Make a list of all the pros and all the reasons you love your ex. Slowly and gradually build a friendship if your ex consents to this. When you're on good terms and able to speak vulnerably again, speak about why you are so grateful for your ex. Tell your ex all his positive qualities that make you swoon, then describe the relationship you remember. When you recount everything you remember, you might make your ex really nostalgic for the past. Who knows—he might want to give your relationship another shot.
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Warnings
- One thing to keep in mind when trying to get back with an ex - if it doesn't work out or if your ex doesn't want you back, don't force it. Remember that you are worth being with somebody who wants to be with you, and you don't have to chase after somebody who doesn't!⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a28554493/no-contact-rule/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201610/you-think-you-want-your-ex-back
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202111/the-pros-and-cons-reconnecting-ex
- ↑ Julia McCurley. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/relationship-breakups
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/your-brains-response-to-your-ex-according-to-neuroscience
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/318184933_Staying_friends_with_ex-romantic_partners_Predictors_reasons_and_outcomes_Friendship_with_ex-romantic_partners
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201806/does-lets-do-lunch-signal-desire-or-disinterest
- ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
- ↑ https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science/why-that-song-will-always-remind-you-of-your-ex
- ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/feb/04/relight-the-fire-how-to-fall-back-in-love-with-your-partner
- ↑ https://greatist.com/live/stages-of-getting-back-together-with-an-ex
- ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201603/4-ways-tell-whether-someone-is-you
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201607/5-nonverbal-clues-someone-is-interested-in-you
- ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g2252/how-to-get-back-with-your-ex/?slide=5
- ↑ https://www.southuniversity.edu/news-and-blogs/2016/08/the-psychology-behind-love-and-romance-70700
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201205/how-get-ex-back-5-essential-steps
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
- ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/social-acceptance-and-rejection-the-sweet-and-the-bitter.html
About This Article
Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Lisa Shield and by wikiHow staff writer, Madeleine Flamiano. Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan. This article has been viewed 1,152,631 times.
Co-authors: 68
Updated: March 27, 2023
Views: 1,152,631
Categories: Former Relationships
Article SummaryX
Getting your ex back might not be easy, but you can give yourself the best chance by playing it cool and finding ways to reconnect with them. To avoid scaring your ex away, act casual if you bump into them, and give it some time before you try to contact them again. Once you get back in touch with them, keep things light by chatting about daily events or things that are happening at school or work. If you decide to meet up, ask your ex if they’d like to have coffee or lunch, which seems less serious than evening plans. During your time together, show off your best qualities, like your quirky sense of humor or your empathy, to remind your ex why they fell for you to begin with. To learn how to talk to your ex about getting back together, keep reading!
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