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This article was co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 105,109 times.
“Don’t contact them!” may seem like harsh advice, especially right after a breakup, but sometimes not contacting your ex is the best thing you can do. That's where the no contact rule comes in. The no contact rule is exactly how it sounds—not communicating with your ex for a set period of time, usually around 30-60 days. Using the no contact rule can help you move on from your ex, or you can use it to win your ex back. We know that ignoring your ex isn’t always the easiest thing to do, so to help you out, we've put together a guide on how to use the no contact rule effectively after a breakup.
Steps
Section 2 of 2:
How to Use the No Contact Rule
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1Let your ex know that you need some space. Giving your ex a heads up will make things easier. Whether you're using the no contact rule to move on from your relationship or to win your ex back, it's a good idea to let your ex know that you won't be talking to them for a while.[3] Here are some ways you can phrase it:[4]
- If you’re trying to win your ex back: “I really like you, but I need time to think about everything” or “I think spending some time apart would be good for both of us.”
- If you’re trying to move on: “You’re important to me, but this doesn’t feel right anymore. I need some time to think about me” or “I want us to be friends, but I need some space before I can do that.”
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2Cut off all communication with your ex. Stopping all communication is the first step of the no contact rule. That means not calling or texting your ex, not engaging with them on social media, and not replying when they reach out to you. Cutting ties with someone you’ve been close to can be difficult, but know that by doing so you’re getting that much closer to getting them back or moving on.[5]
- Ask your friends not to talk about your ex when you’re around. The last thing you want is a reminder about them.
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3Ignore your ex for 30 days if you want to win them back. Sticking to the no contact rule for a month can make them miss you. You and your ex probably spent a lot of time together before the breakup, and you were probably texting or talking on the phone when you weren’t together. When you go from constant contact to no contact, they may realize how much that they made a mistake. Here are some signs that your ex has changed and wants you back after 30 days of no contact:[6]
- They start showing that they're worried about you by sending texts or leaving voicemails.
- They apologize for hurting you.
- They express that they want to make things up to you by saying so or surprising you with gifts.
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4Ignore your ex for at least 60 days if you just want to move on. Double the no contact time so you have more time to breathe. Breakups can be tricky, but the no contact rule can help you move on from your ex. Stopping all communication with your ex will help you process your emotions and reflect on the relationship.[7]
- Your relationship with your ex has become a habit you need to break. It takes about 21 days to break a habit, so giving yourself three times the time to do that will help you move on.[8]
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5Unfollow your ex’s social media accounts. Stumbling across a picture of them can make sticking to the no contact rule harder. Remove them from your feed by muting or unfollowing them. This way, when you catch yourself scrolling, you won’t find them staring back at you.[9]
- We know this is a hard step, but the no contact rule means stopping all communication on every platform. Remember you are doing this to give yourself time to heal.
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6Stay busy to keep your mind off your ex. Sticking to a daily routine will help you ignore them. Life may be different without your ex, but keeping busy will distract you from the want to reach out to them. Wake up for school or work, hang out with friends, and go about your day as normal—the thought of them can’t hold you back![10]
- Call up a friend you haven’t seen in ages or add an extra gym day to your daily routine. See where and how you can fill gaps in your schedule.
- Do some extra studying or put in some overtime at work. This will help you stay occupied and forget about your ex while getting ahead.
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7Lean on people you trust for support. Breaking contact with your ex isn’t something you have to do alone. Believe it or not, some of the people you care about may have gone through similar things. This is an emotional time for you, and you don’t have to be alone. Surround yourself with people you trust and love, and don’t be scared to have some fun![11]
- Visit a family member you haven’t seen in a few years.
- Go out to lunch with a close friend or colleague.
- Attend a local concert or take a trip to an amusement park with family and friends.
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8Treat yourself. Use the no contact rule to take some time for yourself. You’ve been through a lot and you deserve some self-care! Buy that outfit you’ve been wanting, go see a movie, or splurge on a trip to the spa. Do things that make you happy, and, who knows, maybe you’ll start to forget your ex in the process.[12]
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9Hang out with new and old friends. Socializing with others can help you pass the time and forget your ex. The no contact rule takes a lot of hard work and determination, and just because you’re cutting off ties with one person doesn’t mean you have to with everyone! Call up a friend you haven’t seen in a while or ask your new coworker if they want to grab lunch with you.[13]
- Strengthening new and old relationships can help you reflect on the relationship you have with your ex. Is it a relationship you want to strengthen after no contact, or are you ready to move on?
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10Try new hobbies and experiences. Use the no contact rule to experience life without your ex. If there’s something you’ve always wanted to try, go for it! One of the reasons breakups are so painful is because everything around us starts to remind us of our ex. Learning new skills and going on adventures can help you forget and ignore them.[14]
- Go on a road trip, book a solo retreat, or visit a family member for 30 to 60 days. Putting yourself in a new environment that doesn't remind you of them will make not contacting them that much easier.
- If you’ve always wanted to learn to paint or play the guitar, sign up for classes. Occupying your time with a new hobby will keep you from pressing that call button.
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11Exercise daily to boost your mood. Working out or going on a walk can help you feel better. Physical activity is a great distraction that can also make you happier. It’s easy to forget your troubles when you’re exercising because all you can focus on is moving your body.[15]
- Exercising for at least 30 minutes a day is a great way to increase your overall health and distract yourself from contacting your ex.
- The type of activity you do doesn’t matter as long as you’re having fun! Try walking, running, swimming, dancing, or yoga. The possibilities are endless!
- Invite a friend to exercise with you to make the task even more enjoyable. Strengthen a friendship while making yourself stronger.
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12Reflect on your relationship. Ignore your ex but don’t ignore your feelings. You’re going through a lot emotionally, so take this time to reflect on the relationship. Recovering from a breakup is anything but a piece of cake, and not contacting your ex can help you heal. You’re working with the recovery process when you follow the no contact rule, giving yourself time to think through your emotions. Try asking yourself these questions:[16]
- What do I miss about our relationship?
- What do I not miss about our relationship?
- What did I learn from this breakup?
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13Reach out to your ex after no contact if you’re ready. Starting to talk to your ex again can help you move on or win them back. After the 30-60 days of no contact, you may be ready to reach back out and start a conversation. This can help you get closure, start a friendship, or rekindle your romance. If you’re not ready to reach out, no worries! We all move at our own pace, and sometimes reaching out isn’t best for everyone.[17]
- Let them know your intentions right away by telling them if you want to pursue a friendship or relationship with them. Try texting them, “Thank you for giving me time to think. After some reflection, I’d like to just be friends if that’s okay with you” or “I’ve had some time to think about our relationship, and I think we should try dating each other again.”[18]
- Send a simple text to start up a conversation like “Hey” or “Did you hear about the event tomorrow?”[19]
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References
- ↑ https://undoabreakup.com/30-day-no-contact-rule/#2
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/no-contact-rule-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-0618136
- ↑ https://lovesagame.com/no-contact-rule/
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/Nemours/en/teens/break-up.html
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/no-contact-rule-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-0618136
- ↑ https://undoabreakup.com/30-day-no-contact-rule/#2
- ↑ https://lovesagame.com/no-contact-rule/
- ↑ https://archive.org/details/TheNewPsychoCyberneticsByMaxwellMaltz1
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/06/going-no-contact#2
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/test-case/201402/breakups-breakthroughs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-functioning-hotspot/202008/the-ultimate-guide-breakups
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1470658/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-end-contact-your-ex
- ↑ https://undoabreakup.com/30-day-no-contact-rule/#2
- ↑ https://www.rewire.org/back-in-touch-with-ex/
- ↑ https://www.rewire.org/back-in-touch-with-ex/
About This Article
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards. This article has been viewed 105,109 times.
Co-authors: 7
Updated: June 8, 2022
Views: 105,109
Categories: Breaking Up | Former Relationships
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