How to Get Someone to Love You

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: December 17, 2021 References

Trying to get someone to love you can be difficult, but there are some things that you can do to improve your chances. You can try to make yourself more appealing, get to know the person better, and try to develop a relationship with your love interest. If things go well, then there are also some things that may help you to keep the love alive.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Making Yourself Appealing

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Take excellent care of your physical appearance. Paying close attention to your physical appearance may help you to get your love interest’s attention. Make sure that you take time every day to groom yourself and keep yourself looking healthy and attractive. Some good ways to look your best include:
- exercising on a regular basis
- wearing nice clothes that fit you well and flatter your body
- showering every day and using deodorant
- keeping your hair neat and trimmed
- brushing your teeth and using mints or gum to freshen your breath when needed
- shaving your face or grooming your beard (men)^{[1]
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2
Be yourself. Making someone love you isn’t about making someone love a fake version of you. Your love interest needs to love you for who you are.^{[2]
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Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} Keep in mind that not everyone is going to love you, but you should still project your authentic self. This might require some soul-searching and work on self-awareness to figure out who you really are. To help you find yourself, researchers have identified four elements that are important to individual authenticity:^{[4]
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- Self-awareness: knowing and trusting your own emotions, motivations, abilities, and preferences.
- Clarity in evaluating strength and weakness
- Behavior: acting in a way that reflects your true self and your beliefs^{[5]
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  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
- Close relationships: these are necessary because you allow others to know what you are really like, both good and bad
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3
Learn how to make conversation. Sometimes the person that interests us doesn’t even know we exist because we’re too shy to say anything. Work on overcoming any shyness you might have and talk to the person you are interested in. Tell funny stories or jokes. Making another person laugh is always a good start. If being funny is too terrifying, just try to bond over shared experiences – classes, traffic, the weather – however you can find to relate to the other person.^{[6]
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- “It is so rainy today I thought I was going to float off the road! I even saw a car underwater on my way here.”
- “Did you know they’re going to start making fresh croissants at the cafe? I can’t wait to try them. I’ll probably order three and plan to eat just one and take the rest home, but then eat them all and then be sorry. Do you feel that way about any food?”
- “My brother got dressed up like Darth Vader and is already in line for Star Wars, seven days early. I mean, I love Star Wars, but I can’t imagine camping out to see a movie!”
4
Use open body language and facial expressions. Using open body language and inviting facial expressions is a good way improve the connection between you and your love interest. People are more attracted to people who are open and inviting, so make sure that you are always projecting these qualities to your love interest. Some good ways to use open body language and inviting facial expressions include:^{[7]
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- Sitting so that you are facing your love interest
- Smiling at your love interest
- Leaning in towards your love interest
- Making eye contact with your love interest
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Demonstrate kindness. People are also more attracted to people who are kind to others, so make sure that you let your kindness shine when you are with your love interest.^{[8]
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Research source} Some easy ways to show kindness include:
- Saying nice things about people (not gossiping or speaking ill of others)
- Showing genuine concern if your love interest is sad or in pain
- Offering your assistance to your love interest and others whenever you can
- Saying positive encouraging things to your love interest and others to acknowledge their accomplishments
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Show your confidence. Even if you don’t feel brave inside, projecting confidence can make you seem confident. If you’re shy, take it as an acting challenge to show the people around you that you have confidence. Cultivate your own interests, think about your big goals in life, and work toward them. People are attracted to those that can both complement and expand their own life and interests.^{[9]
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- Learn something new: a language, a sport, a craft. You might be surprised at the feeling of well-being and confidence it gives you. It can also be a great conversation starter.
- Get involved in performing. If you’re shy, joining a sports, drama, or musical group can be a great way to overcome nerves and make you more confident around strangers.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Getting to Know Your Love Interest

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Ask your love interest some questions. Sometimes we think that we want someone to love us, but when we actually get to know that person, we discover that he or she is not a person we want to pursue. Before you put in all the energy to get someone to love you, make sure that you really like that person – both the way he or she looks and the way he or she acts and deals with others. See if you can sit next to the person in class or at a restaurant. Ask him or her about interests and goals.^{[10]
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Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
- What did you do on your last vacation?
- What do you like to do for fun?
- What places do you most want to visit?
- What kinds of music do you like?
- What’s your favorite kind of food?
2
Try to become friends with your love interest’s friends. Hanging around with the people that your love interest likes can be revealing. Pay attention to how your love interest treats these people. Think about whether you would like to be treated this way. If not, then you should not pursue a relationship with this person.
3
Hang out with your love interest. You should also take some time to get to know your love interest as a person. Try hanging out in a big group with your love interest before you have too much one-on-one time together. This will allow you to get to know your love interest slowly and see how he or she acts in different situations. After a while, you will begin to see your love interest’s true character and then you can determine if you still like the person.^{[12]
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4
Spend some time alone with your love interest. It’s important to have time alone with your love interest as well. This will help you see how he or she interacts when it’s just the two of you. Even if your love interest sees you as just a friend, it can be the start of a closer relationship. On the other hand, spending time alone with your love interest could also be the start of a romantic relationship. Some good things to do with your love interest early on include:^{[13]
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- Hiking
- Rock climbing
- Going out to eat
- Volunteering at an animal shelter
- Visiting a museum
- Going bowling
- Meeting up for coffee

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Getting Romantic

1
Offer compliments. Tell your love interest what you admire about him or her. Focusing on someone’s looks is fine, but it’s a lot nicer to share what you like about your love interest that goes beyond his or her looks.
- “You are so good with animals -- and they all seem to love you!”
- “I’m so impressed that you’re writing a book. I don’t think I could ever do that. How did you ever get started?”
- “You are seriously the best skier I have ever seen. Why didn’t you go pro?”
2
Try flirting. Flirting is not for everyone, but it can help to move your relationship along. Gentle teasing or in-jokes with the person can be part of it, or even making good eye contact and smiling. Gentle touching can be flirtatious as well. Try gently touching your love interest on the arm or on the hand during a conversation to show your interest.^{[14]
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- Watch for signs of interest before you try flirting. If your love interest is doing things like smiling, making eye contact, and touching you now and then, flirting will most likely work. But if your love interest is avoiding eye contact with you, being cold or rude to you, and keeping some distance between the two of you, then flirting may not work.
3
Ask your love interest out on a date. This might be the moment that he or she really sees you as a potential romantic partner. It can be nerve-wracking to ask someone out, but if you’re trying to get someone to love you, you will have to ask for a date at some point. Be sure to ask for a date after you have gotten to know your love interest and have a good sense of what he or she likes to do. Some possible romantic date ideas include:^{[15]
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- Taking a dance lesson together. This will give you a good excuse to get close to your love interest.
- Going on a picnic. Some nice cheese, bread, and a bottle of wine makes for a great evening.
- Checking out a jazz club. Even if you don’t like the music, the ambience and having to get close to talk to each other can bring two people together.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Maintaining a Loving Relationship

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Listen to your partner. Good listening skills are crucial to maintain a healthy relationship.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} Try to develop your active listening skills and always give your partner your full attention when he or she is talking. Some good ways to practice active listening include:
- Looking at your partner when he or she is speaking
- Nodding and making neutral statements to indicate your attention
- Repeating what your partner has said now and then to show that you are paying close attention
- Asking questions to help you understand if something is unclear^{[17]
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Speak your mind. Honesty is an important part of a healthy relationship as well. If there is something that you need from your partner or if you are upset about something, then you should say so. Your partner should feel like he or she can do the same.^{[18]
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Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
- For example, if you are always the one who makes the bed in the morning and it has been frustrating you, then ask your partner if he or she would help you make the bed or take turns with you.
3
Plan fun things to do with your partner. Keeping your relationship exciting will be easier if you plan some fun outings and activities with your partner. Try to go on a date at least once per month and do other little things together to make life more interesting.
- For example, you could take an art class together, learn a language together, or take up a new sport.^{[20]
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Spend some time apart. In healthy relationships, it is also important to have some time away from your partner to spend time with friends or engage in your own interests. Try to set aside one night per week where you do not spend time with your partner.^{[21]
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- For example, you could go out with your friends, head to a café with a book for a few hours, see a movie that your partner would not enjoy, or stay home and work on an art project.
5
Find ways to surprise your partner. Doing little things to make your partner happy and to surprise your partner now and then will also help to maintain your healthy relationship. For example, you can bring your partner a cup of coffee during her shift at work, surprise your partner with flowers or some other small gift, or just give your partner a genuine complement to brighten his day.^{[22]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you get close to a guy you like?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

Be yourself! Show him who you are, and have him fall in love with those attributes without you having to try "too hard." Many times, relationships start off with a honeymoon phase where everyone's on their best behavior, but this isn't very authentic. Instead, ask questions, get to know them on a personal level, engage in meaningful conversation, and partake in activities where you feel like you are your best self.
Question

What should I do if the person I'm interested in already has a girlfriend?

Community Answer

Wait until they break up. Be the person's friend for now so that if/when this happens, you will be the person there to console them.
Question

How do I get a boy to like me if I'm taller than him?

Community Answer

That shouldn't make a difference. Just try following the steps in the article. If he's not interested because you're taller than him, that means he's superficial and you probably don't want to go out with a guy like that anyway.