How to Ask for a Date

Co-authored by Louie Felix

Last Updated: March 22, 2023 References

Asking someone out on a date can be stressful and anxiety-inducing. If you've ever felt overwhelmed or uncertain on how to approach asking someone out, don't worry, you're not alone. The stress of asking someone out combined with fear of rejection prevent many people from taking the first step in a romantic relationship.^{[1]
X
Research source} In America, 64% of people are single.^{[2]
X
Research source} Luckily, there are a couple of simple strategies and techniques that you can use to get a date with someone and overcome the fears that you may have.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Approaching a Stranger

1
Make eye contact and smile. Eye contact and smiling are two universal acts of flirting. Looking at someone from across a room lets them know that you notice them.^{[3]
X
Research source} When you smile, you're showing them that you are open to talking to them and that you may be interested in them, or that you like how they look. Don't force a smile or stare at them, however!
- You can meet a potential date at school, work, a grocery store, a bar, or in other social situations.
- Smiling also releases endorphins that make you happier and can make other people react in a positive way.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- Maintain eye contact for two to three seconds before looking away. If you look back and the person is still looking in your direction, this is a good sign that they meant to lock eyes with you.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
2
Evaluate the person's body language. You can tell a lot just by the way someone looks at you or carries themselves. For example, if they point their feet toward you or lean in your direction, they may be interested in you. If they cross their arms and legs or point their knees away from you, they are not interested in you.^{[6]
X
Research source} Other signs include:^{[7]
X
Research source}
- If the person smiles back, it's a good indicator that they wouldn't mind your company.
- If they hold your gaze for more than two seconds, it's a good sign that they would talk to you.
- If they avoid your gaze, look uncomfortable, or avoid you altogether, this is a sign that they aren't interested.
Advertisement
3
Introduce yourself. Once you've evaluated that they like your attention, you can introduce yourself. Walk up to them with confidence by standing upright and keeping your shoulders back. Start by offering a handshake and saying hello. Begin the conversation by asking for their name or talking about something relatable.
- For example, you can say something like, "Hey, my name's Alex. This band rocks. What do you think of them?"
- Pay close attention to their body language and facial expressions. If they look disgusted, disinterested, or frightened, you may not want to introduce yourself.
4
Start a conversation. Once you've introduced yourself to them and they appear receptive to you, you can start a conversation. Start by asking small questions, like how their day is so far or if they live in the area. If the conversation seems like it's stalling, ask them questions about themselves.^{[8]
X
Research source} Practice active listening by paying close attention to what the person has to say and where they are coming from. Improve your communication and listening skills by providing feedback, deferring judgemental thoughts, and responding appropriately. Instead of waiting for your turn to say something, internalize and listen to what the person is saying and show them that you're invested in the conversation.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- You can enhance your listening skills by summarizing or repeating something that the person said. For example, if they explain how they liked a band before they went mainstream, you can say something like, "So what you're saying is that you liked their underground sound more than their poppy new music, right?"
- Some good starter questions include: What do you like to do in your spare time? What kind of music do you prefer? Are you a student? Do you like art? or What's your favorite movie? However, don't plainly ask the question by itself. Integrate it into the conversation. For example say, "I just saw the new Guillermo Del Toro film and thought it was amazing. What movies do you like?"
- If you're feeling nervous, try preparing some questions ahead of time. That could help you feel more confident once the conversation starts.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Louie Felix
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
5
Listen to what they have to say. If you listen to what they have to say, you'll determine whether the person would be interested in seeing you again. If they mention a significant other, then they will most likely not go on a date with you. If they seem happy and enthusiastic to talk to you, then it's likely they want to see you again.
- If they avoid eye contact altogether and have short responses, you should take this as a sign to leave.
6
Ask them out. If they seem comfortable and happy while talking to you, it's a good hint that they will say yes if you ask them out. Ask them for their contact information first, then see how they feel about meeting up with you later. It may be stressful to ask the question, but don't wait too long to ask, or you may never get the opportunity.
- You can say something like, "I had a fun time talking to you. Do you want to do this again?"
- Try having a specific date in mind when you ask the person out. For instance, you might want to say, "Do you want to grab some pizza with me after work next week?" or "There's a concert coming up, do you want to be my date?"
- Consider a date that includes some type of activity, like playing trivia or riding bikes. That way, you'll have plenty to keep you engaged throughout the whole date, which can help you avoid any awkward silences.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Louie Felix
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.}

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Asking Someone You Know

1
Talk to them about their romantic life. Determine whether the person you're interested in has a significant other, or whether they aren't interested in dating right now. Since you already know the person, it will be easier to have the conversation without making it seem like you are interested. Ask questions about where they are right now romantically, and determine whether they are ready to date.
- You can start the conversation by saying, "Have you been dating around recently or just hanging out by yourself?"
- You can also say, "I thought you were still seeing Derrick. Are you not together anymore?"
- If you've noticed that the person isn't regularly in a relationship, ask them something like, "I notice that you don't date that often. Are you trying to concentrate on your studies instead?"
- Do your best to talk to them so that they open up and start talking about their romantic desires.
- Sometimes people don't date because they are busy with school or work, have recently got out of a relationship, or are enjoying their time being single.
- Some single people may want to stay single.
2
Determine if there is any chemistry. At this point, you already know that you like the person, but that doesn't mean that they like you back. Determine if there is any romantic chemistry by thinking about the times that you've spent together and whether there is any sexual tension when you hang out.^{[12]
X
Research source} Think about what you share in common and how you make each other feel.
- If you are platonic friends, asking your friend out may upset them.
- If you are playful and flirtatious, the chances are that the chemistry already exists.
3
Determine their interests. Learn more about the person that you plan on asking out on a date. Ask them questions about what kinds of things make them happy. Have deep and honest conversations with them by opening up yourself. If you tell them what interests you, they will feel inclined to offer their opinions as well. Figure out what they enjoy, what they dislike, and how they like to spend their time socially. Use this information to come up with a date that they will enjoy and appreciate.
- If they like staying inside, you can watch a movie on the TV instead of going out.
- If they like to party, you can take them to the club or bar.
- If they are interested in theater, you can search for shows coming up in your area.
4
Ask them out. Once you feel comfortable and confident asking them out, give them a call on the phone or talk to them in person. Don't build up the event in your head and don't overthink your execution. This can actually create unrealistic expectations and you'll be upset if you are let down. Simply ask the person if they would like to go out with you at a particular time and date.
- You can say something like, "Hey, I know you like plays and Wicked is coming into town. Would you like to go with me next Friday?"
- If they can't go because of their schedule, ask them if they can go at a different time or date.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Indirectly Asking for a Date

1
Ask them out through a text or direct message online. The stress of asking someone out can be too overwhelming for some people. In this case, asking someone out through a text or direct message may be easier. The downside is that they don't need to respond and technical issues could prevent them from seeing the message altogether.
- In text you could write, "Hey. I'm going to see Spiderman this weekend. Would you want to come with me?"
- If they don't respond, don't obsess over it. Wait a couple of hours before sending them a follow-up text.
2
Get a friend to ask them out for you. If you don't have the person's contact information or are unable to ask them yourself, it's possible that you could get a mutual friend to ask for you. Contact your friend and tell them that you'd want to go on a date with the person. Tell your friend where you'd like to meet up and at what time and they can convey the message to the person that you like.
- You can say something like, "Hey, I really like Mark, but I'm too nervous to ask him out. Do you think you could ask if he'd meet up after school for me?"
- Sometimes if you let a friend know that you like someone, the person that you like will reach out to you themselves if they feel the same way.
3
Ask for a date indirectly during a conversation. There are a couple of methods that you can employ that will make asking the person you know out much easier. One of these is through framing the question as a suggestion.^{[13]
X
Research source} For example, you can ask, "What are you doing this weekend?" If they say "Not sure" you can say something like "I was going to go to the movies. Would you want to come since you're not doing anything?"
- You can also frame the question like it was their idea. For example, you can ask "What's the best Mexican restaurant around here?" If they respond, "La Tacerquio," you can say, "Sounds good. Do you want to go with me on Thursday for lunch?"

Additional Ideas

Sample Ways to Ask Someone Out

Sample First Date Ideas

Sample Ways to Handle Rejection

Expert Q&A

Question

How should I talk about myself to someone I like?

Louie Felix
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Louie Felix is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker, and the founder and CEO of Matchmaking VIP, a company which provides concierge-level matchmaking services to clients around the world. He is also the COO of Agape Matchmaking based in New York City. With almost 16 years of professional matchmaking and dating coaching experience, Louie has served as CEO for the United States' two largest matchmaking companies serving over 50,000 clients. He has been featured as an expert matchmaker for shows on E! Entertainment Television, WeTV and the CW. He was also recently acknowledged as a top 5 worldwide matchmaker by both the International Dating Conference and the Matchmakers Alliance. Louie was also selected as one of America's top 10 Relationship Experts for the Great Love Debate National Tour.

Louie Felix

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Try to just have a natural conversation that will allow you and the other person to get to know each other better. However, avoid discussing your past relationships, especially when you're asking someone out or on your first date.
Question

How do I ask someone on a date if they have a girlfriend or boyfriend?

Community Answer

You should see if it is a committed and exclusive relationship first. If it is, don't bother asking at all. If it isn't, then ask them just as you would anyone else.