How to Know if You Still Love Someone

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: June 9, 2022 References Approved

In relationships, there often comes a time when, for whatever reason, you’re forced to reexamine your feelings. Perhaps you’re in a long-term relationship and you think your feelings may have changed, or faded away. Maybe you’ve already parted ways with a partner, but are doubting your decision. Do you still love them? Love isn’t always a black and white affair, and it can be difficult to decipher your feelings when you’re stuck in a gray area.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Evaluating A Current Relationship

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Think about when you began questioning your feelings. Feelings don’t change overnight. It probably took you awhile to fall in love and establish a devoted relationship with your partner. Give yourself enough time to interpret your feelings, because you can irreparably damage your relationship if you act too quickly.^{[1]
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Research source} Don’t feel guilty by giving yourself some time to unpack all of your emotions, and don’t try to rush to have it all figured out.
- Consider what else was happening when you started questioning your feelings. Have other factors changed in your life? Maybe you started a new job, and you're constantly exhausted. Maybe family troubles are causing a strain on the relationship. Make sure you recognize if your apathy or confusion about the relationship stems from the natural ups and downs of life, rather than feelings toward your partner.
2
Assess your actions toward your partner. Consider things like your patience and physical attraction levels. Have you been snapping at them out of irritation more often recently? Has your interest in physical intimacy decreased? Maybe you’ve started needing more and more space away from them. These, of course, are all red flags. It’s normal for a relationship to cool off a bit as the honeymoon stage ends, but it shouldn’t become cold!^{[2]
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- Take note of how often you reject your partner’s advances, criticize them, lose patience with them, and so on. If you find that you’re doing these things more often than not, you probably need to take a hard, honest look at your relationship.
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Imagine a future without this person. You need to do this before you take any sort of decisive action. When you think about your future in an ideal world, is this person a part of it? Sometimes we take our loved ones for granted, even if they are the most important person in our lives. We don’t realize that their absence would shatter our world as we know it. Be completely honest with yourself when you picture moving on without them— would your life suffer or flourish?
- Any breakup is hard, because it means stepping outside of your comfort zone and losing someone you once cared about. However, imagine life after the initial discomfort. Would you be happier on your own? Would you be happier with someone else?
- Recognize that being comfortable with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you love them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Revisiting A Past Relationship

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Remember why the relationship ended. If your relationship has already ended and you’re questioning if your love is still there, make sure you remember what caused the breakup. It’s easy to look back and romanticize an old relationship, but don’t overlook reality. Sometimes people simply gave up too quickly without attempting to work out their problems. However, sometimes there are fundamental problems that just cannot be fixed.^{[3]
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- If the relationship ended because someone made a mistake, it is important to determine if you can truly forgive and forget. You can’t create a future with someone if you are stuck in the issues of the past.
- Similarly, nothing will change about your relationship if no one has changed. If you broke up with your partner because you didn't trust them, either they need to have become trustworthy or you need to have become trusting. Past issues don't just disappear.
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Weigh the pros and cons of being with this person. Try to determine how your overall quality of life changes when you are with them and without them. If they become your #1 priority and your work performance, family relationships, and self-care all fall to the wayside, it may not be a healthy relationship.^{[4]
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Research source} However, if you truly feel like a better person when you’re with them, that’s something you don’t want to slip away.
- Write it all down so you can truly see if the positives outweigh the negatives. Don’t hold back!
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Be brutally honest with yourself about your motivation. Are you debating going back to this person because you are lonely? Loneliness, though painful and debilitating, is not a reason to be with someone. Jealousy is another powerful emotion that can make you start pining for an ex, but don't fight for them back just because you don't want to see them with someone else. That is not the foundation of a healthy and long-lasting relationship.^{[5]
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- If you can say with certainty loneliness, jealousy, boredom, or any other superficial emotion isn't the reason you're considering rekindling your romance, you may still love this person.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Acting On Your Feelings

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Take some space away from this person. Take time to do the things that make you happy, and anything that helps you clear your head. If you haven’t spent much time away from your partner before, this is a good opportunity to get a taste of what life would be like without them. It can also help you unwind and determine if stress was causing you to question your relationship. Not only can some alone time help you sort out your feelings without any pressure from your partner, but it will give you time to compose yourself and decide exactly how to proceed.
2
Discuss your feelings with the person, if appropriate. If you’re currently in the relationship, use tact when speaking with your partner. Begin your sentences with “I” rather than “you," because you don't want to sound accusatory or hurtful. Instead, discuss how you’ve been feeling in the relationship.^{[6]
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Research source} If you aren’t currently in a relationship with this person, decide if communicating your feelings is appropriate. It may not be appropriate if it could toy with their emotions, or if they have a new partner.
- Once you decide to start voicing your feelings, things may get complicated. Don’t do this unless you’re sure it is something that needs to be addressed.
- Often times it is easier to write your feelings down so that you can say everything you need to say. Writing a letter can be a great way to communicate with your current or past partner.
3
Choose a plan and stick to it. In other words, get yourself out of the awful gray area. If, after all of this, you want to stay together (or get back together), then do so wholeheartedly. If you want to break up, do so completely. You have to commit fully to whatever you choose! If you are in a relationship yet constantly doubting it, your relationship will suffer. You can’t have one foot out the door and expect love to flourish. On the other hand, if you decide you do not love the person, you must end things completely. You will not be able to start a new, independent life if you continue to ask “what if?”^{[7]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you assess your feelings for someone?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Make your assessment about you, and really get in touch with how you've felt over time. I often ask clients to tell me the story of how they met the person, what things were like early in the relationship, and when and how the problem started to occur. Often, just by going through the whole history with me, they’ll end up getting a lot of insight and information about their feelings throughout the relationship.