How to Deal when an Ex Dates a Friend

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: October 31, 2022 References

Breakups can be tough. It’s even worse when your ex and a current friend decide to date. Feelings of jealousy, self-consciousness, sadness, and anger are prevalent in such an emotionally-charged situation. If you find yourself feeling negative about an ex and friend dating, it’s important to talk to your friend and resolve your emotions so that you can maintain the friendship without feeling sad or uncomfortable.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking with Your Friend

1
Have a conversation with your friend about your feelings. Express your sadness to your friend but explain that it’s something that you’re working to get through. Explain that you may be distant until you can fully get over your negative feelings.^{[1]
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- You can say something like, “To be honest with you, it hurt my feelings when I found out you and Jen were dating. When I found out, it made me feel insecure and upset, but I’m working on feeling better about it.”
- If you suspected your friend and your ex were interested in each other during your relationship, it's okay to admit you suspicions to your friend. Hear out what they have to say before jumping to conclusions.
2
Be honest with your friend. It's okay to tell your friend how you feel. If you wish that you'd had a heads up about the relationship, it's okay to tell them that. If you feel angry or betrayed, make sure that your friend knows but make sure not to lose your cool. An honest conversation will make you feel better and give them a better understanding of where you stand.^{[2]
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- If your friend doesn't take the conversation well, keep your cool by regulating your breathing and paying close attention to what they have to say.^{[3]
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- You can say something like, "I just wish that you and Maron would have told me that you were thinking about dating so I could prepare myself. I'm still not over him."
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3
Ask your friend to avoid talking about the relationship around you. If conversations about your ex gives you negative emotions, it’s best to avoid conversations about them. Speak to your friend and ask them to avoid talking about their new relationship if possible. This may help you maintain the friendship and could make you feel better about the situation.^{[4]
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- You can say something like, “Conversations about Jen make me feel awkward. Would you mind avoiding talking about her for right now?”
- If you don't get emotional when speaking about your ex, it might be a sign that you're over the relationship and can talk about them again.
- If you get over the past relationship, you can say something like "Remember when I said I didn't want to talk about John? I'm over it now, so if you want to talk about him, I don't mind."
- If you have to, take some time away from your friend so you can heal. Let your friend know that you still value your friendship, you just need a little time and distance to heal and process your feelings.
4
Don’t tell your friend that they aren’t allowed to date your ex. Telling your friend that they aren’t allowed to date your ex could hurt your friendship and your friend's feelings. It also destroys the potential for your friend and ex to create a good relationship and find happiness. Try to keep your jealousy or sadness under control by understanding that the relationship isn’t meant to hurt your feelings.
- If you give your friend an ultimatum, there’s a chance they may choose your ex over you.
5
Resist the temptation to badmouth your ex. If you find out that your friend is dating your ex, you might feel the urge to dish the dirt on your ex or sabotage the relationship. Ultimately, however, this could just end up damaging your relationship with your friend.
- Think carefully before sharing any information about your ex with your friend, such as details of your relationship or your ex’s previous dating history. Ask yourself whether sharing this information will accomplish anything positive.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Resolving Your Feelings

1
Allow yourself to feel angry or sad at first. If you want to cry or scream into a pillow over the breakup, allow yourself to do it. Avoiding negative feelings can extend the time you feel angry or sad. Instead of repressing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the emotions from the breakup so that you can get over it quicker.^{[5]
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- Don’t say things like “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter,” if you’re still upset about the situation. Lean into the feelings instead.
- Avoid doing things just to get back at your ex, like dating one of their friends in retaliation.
2
Write down a list of reasons why you and your ex broke up. Looking at the relationship from the outside might give you clarity that you don’t have. Think about the reasons you broke up with your ex in the first place. If you weren’t compatible, there’s a likelihood the relationship would have been bad for both of you and was never meant to be.^{[6]
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- Even if you didn't want to break up with them, there's still a good chance that you weren't compatible.
- If you're concerned about your friend because of prior experiences with your ex, it's okay to express that. Just make sure to keep to the facts so that it doesn't look like you're bashing your ex.
- Signs of an unhealthy relationship include constant fighting, belittling, volatility, manipulation, and jealousy.^{[7]
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- You may also may not be financially or emotionally in the same place as your ex.
3
Get rid of stuff that reminds you of your ex. If you have items from the relationship, it may be harder to get over your ex. Get rid of anything sentimental that you own to help distance yourself from them. This will potentially reduce your negative feelings and help you maintain your friendship.^{[8]
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- Throwing away or tearing up things that remind you of your ex can be a therapeutic experience.
4
Stop following your ex on social media. Unfollow them or block their content so that you don’t see pictures of them. Following what your ex and friend are doing online is unhealthy and could help feed negative emotions. Distancing yourself from that imagery may help you get over the breakup and prevent you from feeling angry or sad at the situation.^{[9]
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- You may also have to stop following your friend if they post photos or information about the relationship that makes you feel angry or sad.
- You don't have to block your ex, but you can if it makes you feel better.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Distancing Yourself

1
Take a break from seeing your friend. Stop calling, texting, and asking to hang out with your friend. If you need to see them every day because you go to the same school or job, have a conversation with them so that they aren't confused as to why you stopped hanging out with them. Distancing yourself from the new relationship may prevent you from getting jealous or angry. If negative feelings are still prevalent in your mind, it may be best to avoid both of them until you feel better about it.^{[10]
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- You can say something like, “I really tried getting over it, but it still makes me feel uncomfortable. I still want the best for you, so I think I need a break from hanging out with both of you. I hope you can understand that.”
- If your friend is actively rubbing the new relationship in your face or being toxic, it may be best to cut ties permanently.
2
Accept that your friend’s new relationship is not about you. It’s okay for you to have your own feelings about your friend’s relationship with your ex. However, remember that your friend and your ex are both separate people from you, and that their relationships are their own.
- Respect your friend’s boundaries, just as you would expect them to respect yours.
- Don’t compare yourself to your friend or think of it as a competition.
3
Focus on being the best person you can be. Remind yourself that you aren’t defined by your relationships. Taking time to focus on building your strengths can boost your confidence and help you move forward. It can also help you gain a better understanding of who you are as a person, independent of other people in your life.
- For example, you might take a class in a subject you’ve always wanted to learn more about, or work towards a personal fitness goal.
4
Hang out with other friends to take your mind off the situation. Call other friends and make plans to hang out or put yourself in social situations so that you can meet new friends. Having friends around for support and being social when you're upset can make you feel better about the situation. You could also explain the situation to your other friend if you need to get it off your chest or talk about it to someone else.^{[11]
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- Hang out with someone that doesn't know the friend who is dating your ex if you want to avoid any unnecessary drama.
5
Preoccupy your mind with an activity or hobby. Think about activities or hobbies that you like to do so that you don’t obsess over the situation. Doing something you’re passionate about will keep your mind occupied at the task at hand and could make you forget about your friend dating your ex.^{[12]
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- Activities and hobbies could include playing an instrument, participating in a sport, playing video games, or reading books.
- Consider taking a course if there aren’t any hobbies or activities that you like to do.
6
Treat yourself to something that brings you joy. Think of something that really brings you joy, like your favorite food, a trip to the beach, or a relaxing spa day, and treat yourself. You can also spend time with other friends who are emotionally supportive. Doing positive things for yourself can help center you and keep your mind off of the situation.^{[13]
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- Doing something relaxing can also give you additional insight or clarity on the situation.
7
Rekindle your friendship when you're ready. Think about the situation and reach out to your friend when you're no longer upset about them dating your ex. You may even be able to build a relationship with your ex so that things aren't awkward in group settings. Call or text your friend and ask to hang out, even if you haven't in a while. Talk about why you felt bad but explain that you're ready to move on.^{[14]
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- If you hang out with your friend again, make sure not to badmouth your ex in front of them.
- You can say something like, "Hey Kendra, I know it's been a while but do you want to hang out? I miss you!"