Should You Text Your Ex Happy Birthday?

Doing no-contact with your ex? Still in love with them? Whatever the sitch, we've got you covered

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: January 31, 2023 References

The question of whether to text your ex on their birthday is a tricky one! If you don’t wish them a happy birthday, will they think you’re still holding a grudge? If you do wish them a happy birthday, will you seem needy or desperate? Is it weird to send a birthday text, or even weirder not to? After all, what harm could it do? And if you decide to hit send, what should you say? SO MANY QUESTIONS! If you’re trying to decide whether to message your ex on their birthday, this article can help you make the decision that’s best for you.

Section 1 of 6:

Should you text your ex happy birthday?

Most experts say no, but it can depend on your motivation for texting them. Are you just a good friend wishing them well, or are you secretly hoping that a birthday text could lead to something more? It's important to explore whether you might have underlying motives before you decide to hit send...otherwise, you might end up getting hurt all over again.^{[1]
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- If you’re trying to use their birthday as an “in” to strike up a long conversation, there are better options. Really, almost any other day is a better time for a heart-to-heart. For now, just let them enjoy their birthday plans.^{[2]
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Section 2 of 6:

Possible Motivations for Texting Your Ex

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You’re lonely and you miss your ex. Knowing they’re celebrating without you can bring up wistful memories of happier times together. But if you’re using their birthday as an excuse to initiate contact, it probably won’t go over well. Think about it: this is their special day, and hearing from an ex could really ruin the party mood!^{[3]
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- If they aren’t interested in reconnecting with you, your text won’t be welcome. Worst-case scenario? You could give off stalkerish vibes, and that’s the LAST thing you want.^{[4]
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- Even if they’re missing you too, a text could still throw off their day. Instead of focusing on celebrating, they’re now dissecting your message word by word, trying to figure out what it really means.
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You want them to know you’re so over it. You’ve moved on, you’re doing well, and you’re living the dream! That nasty breakup you two had? No biggie. In fact, you’re so chill about the situation that you can send a casual happy b-day text to wish them well. That’s very mature of you! But there’s a chance they won’t see it that way…after all, you’re clearly sitting there thinking about them, and you even remembered their birthday^{[5]
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- If you’re texting to make it clear that everything’s cool between you, a happy birthday message might send the wrong message. Your ex will wonder why you’re bothering to reach out if you’re really over them.^{[6]
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- If you feel the need to prove you’re over the relationship, you might not be quite as over it as you think.^{[7]
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  Research source} That’s okay, healing from a breakup takes time. Meanwhile, resist the urge to message them.^{[8]
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You’re curious about their life without you. It’s totally normal to wonder what your ex is up to now. Are they still working at the same place? Are they in a relationship? And perhaps the most important question of all: how’s their dog? Curiosity is perfectly natural, but think carefully about how the info you learn might impact your mood.^{[9]
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- If they’re engaged, can you truly be happy for them? And what if–heaven forbid–Fido crossed the rainbow bridge to that big dog park in the sky? For your own emotional well-being, some questions might be better left unanswered.
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You want to see if there’s still a spark. Maybe you’re hoping to have an after-party celebration, wink-wink. If you’re reminiscing about how good you were together and you’re hoping a text might lead to some frisky fun, just hold up for a minute. There was a reason you broke up, right? Sure, there were some good times, but take a second to reflect on the bad parts as well. Now ask yourself: is it worth it?^{[10]
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- There’s a chance that they’ll take the bait and “happy birthday” will lead to “happy hookup.” But wow, things are going to get complicated after that. Unless you’re also in the mood for drama, it might be best to skip the HBD text.
- Of course, there’s also a chance that your text will just upset them. If that happens, they’ll probably share “WTH?!” screenshots with all their friends, landing you right in the middle of–yep, you guessed it–drama.
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You’re hoping for closure after a painful breakup. Love hurts sometimes, doesn’t it? When a relationship ends, there can be a lot of unanswered questions. Maybe a birthday text would lead to a conversation so you could clear the air and find closure. It’s an understandable desire, but according to relationship experts, it’s misplaced. That is, you probably won’t find closure by turning to your ex for answers.^{[11]
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- Instead of turning to your ex for healing, look inward, learn to validate yourself, and strive to make peace with the situation.^{[12]
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- Focus on finding meaning instead of closure. What lessons have you learned from the experience? Have you become wiser or more resilient? Have you discovered truths about who you are and what you want?^{[13]
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- If you’re struggling to process the end of your relationship, therapy can help. A mental health professionals can offer non-judgmental support as you work through your feelings in a productive way.^{[14]
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You legit just want to wish them a happy birthday. So…no ulterior motives at all? That begs the question: if it’s totally casual and honestly no big deal, why are you researching this topic? Are you sure you’re not harboring any secret hopes or dreams about how they’ll respond? If you can completely rule out an underlying motive, then consider whether sending a happy birthday text is necessary. If it isn’t, then why do it? This may be a case where it’s simplest to just let things be.^{[15]
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- In this scenario, a text that you see as completely neutral might be misinterpreted as romantic interest. If you text your ex to let them know you’re thinking about them on their birthday, you might be leading them on unintentionally .^{[16]
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Section 3 of 6:

What harm could it do to text my ex?

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It could stir up negative feelings. You’ve made it this far in your healing process; do you really want to risk reopening old wounds? There’s also the possibility that their response will be unkind, or that they won’t reply at all. Are you emotionally prepared to deal with that?^{[17]
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Hearing from you could ruin their day. We each only get one day a year that’s all about us: our birthday! A blast from the past in the form of an ex text could really put a damper on the festive mood. You mean well, but it might put them in a bad headspace.^{[18]
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- And if you’re secretly hoping they have a rotten day? Feeling upset with them is perfectly normal, but hitting send won’t make you feel better. You’re not a vindictive person, you’ve just been badly hurt.^{[19]
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It could cause drama. It’s hard to predict how your ex might react to a happy birthday text. But if they haven’t been communicating with you, it’s probably because they don’t want to. Sending a text at this point will probably only complicate things. Do you really need more drama in your life right now?^{[20]
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It could send the wrong message. It’s uncomfortable to think about, but there’s a possibility that sending a text could make you seem needy, obsessive, or even creepy. It might be unfair and unfounded, but you aren’t in control of how your ex perceives your message. The simplest approach is to just avoid the situation entirely by not texting them on their birthday.^{[21]
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Section 4 of 6:

Times When it’s Okay to Message Your Ex HBD

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It’s fine to text if you’re currently good friends. While many experts agree that it’s best to avoid texting your ex, there are a few scenarios where it’s totally fine. If you and your ex made that rare transition from romantic partners to close pals, it’s perfectly okay to text them “happy birthday.”^{[22]
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Research source} Since you already communicate on a frequent basis, it would be kind of weird to ignore their special day. As long as you currently have a supportive, drama-free friendship, bring on the birthday emojis!^{[23]
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Wish them a happy birthday if you have children together. If your ex is also your co-parent, it’s perfectly acceptable to wish them well on their birthday. It’s a polite gesture that models civility for your kids.^{[24]
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- Keep it low-key by mentioning your kiddos by name: “_____ and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. We hope it’s a great one!”
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Posting a Facebook message on their wall won’t hurt. This situation is different from sending a text message to their phone. If the two of you are still friends on Facebook and regularly interact on each other’s posts, it’s fine to add a public “happy birthday” to their wall along with everyone else. As long as you don’t have any ulterior motives, it isn’t a big deal.^{[25]
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- There’s no good reason to send them a direct message. Handle it the same way you would with any random acquaintance on Facebook: by posting a generic birthday message on their wall.
- For what it’s worth, research shows that simply keeping your ex as a Facebook friend is linked to less personal growth. Maybe it’s time to cut ties there, too?^{[26]
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Section 5 of 6:

If I decide to text, what sort of message should I send?

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Keep it casual. Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to text your ex is entirely up to you. If you decide to go for it, keep the text short and casual. This isn’t the time to bring up past issues or confess your love. Remember, today is about them.^{[27]
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Text a statement, not a question. Asking, “Are you having a great birthday?” or “HBD, do you have some fun birthday plans?” is a transparent shot at starting a longer convo. Keep the statement simple and to the point.^{[28]
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- If they respond with “thanks,” don’t follow up with questions in an attempt to draw them in. Just let that be the end of the exchange.^{[29]
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Section 6 of 6:

Messages To Text Your Ex on Their Birthday

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"Happy birthday, I hope this is your best year yet!" This is a subtle way of acknowledging that you’ve both moved on, and there are even better years ahead post-relationship. It’s a sincere way to wish them a future filled with happiness.^{[30]
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"Sending you good vibes for your birthday!" This super-chill text checks all the boxes. It’s upbeat and friendly, without leaving room to read between the lines.^{[31]
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"Happy birthday to the best Call of Duty player I know!" Fill in the blank with whatever they’re good at. This personalizes the birthday message without it becoming too personal.^{[32]
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"Happy birthday! Take care, old friend." This message is warm without being romantic. It clearly establishes that they’re in the friend zone, and you aren’t trying to wriggle your way back into a romantic relationship.^{[33]
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"I hope you’re treating yourself today, happy birthday!" This text is kind without being mushy. It communicates that you still want them to enjoy themselves, even though you’re no longer a part of their life. Wholesome!^{[34]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What does it mean if my ex texts me happy birthday?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Try to not read into it too much! It's easy to get caught up in the fantasy or idealization of your ex thinking about you and potentially wanting to rekindle things. Remember—if your ex really wants more, it's up to them to say that directly.