How to Date

Co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT

Dating can be a tricky business for anyone. Whether you’re shy and inexperienced or seasoned and outgoing, there are plenty of ways a pickup line or a first date can fall flat. Don’t let the possibility of failure frighten you away, though. If you think carefully about what you’re looking for, choose a way to meet people that feels comfortable, and bring your best self to the first date and beyond, dating can be a lot less scary and a lot more fun. Even if you don’t end up meeting the love of your life, you’ll be glad you gave it a shot.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Finding a Potential Date

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Decide if you’re looking for a serious relationship or a casual fling. What are you looking for in a potential partner? Do you want a lifetime commitment, or do you want to live completely in the moment? Overall, it's important to know where you stand so that you can figure out if your date is on the same page, and be open and honest about that. That way, both parties will be less likely to be hurt by miscommunication or misunderstanding.^{[1]
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- If you just ended a serious relationship – or don’t have enough time to invest in a full-on romantic commitment – casual dating may be the best choice for you.^{[2]
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  Research source} In these cases, you should be less concerned about whether a potential partner meets all your expectations, and more focused on whether you have chemistry and fun.
- If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you’ll want to spend more time confirming that you have values in common, such as your spirituality and long-term goals.
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Try apps or online dating if you’re struggling to find romance within your social circle. Many people rely on websites like Match or apps like OkCupid, Tinder, Hinge, DoULike or Bumble to meet romantic prospects. If you're having a hard time finding potential dates among people you know or encounter often, apps like these can connect you to people you might not otherwise meet.

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Pick the platform that suits you best if you opt for digital dating. If you choose to create a profile on a website or an app, it’s important to pick one with a user base that generally aligns with your desires and intentions. It’s possible to meet a great partner on any platform, but many of them serve a certain demographic with specific expectations and desires.^{[3]
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- Many people on Tinder are looking for a deeper commitment than casual sex, but significant portions of their user base – specifically, younger males – use it primarily for excitement, validation, and hookup opportunities.^{[4]
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  Research source} If you’re looking for a serious relationship, it may not be the best option for you.
- If you’re gay, bisexual, trans, or queer, try Grindr. Her is also a good option for lesbian, bisexual, and queer people.
- Older, more established websites like Match are a better fit for people who are looking for a committed relationship. Profiles are more extensive and informative than on other websites and apps.
- In addition, DoULike has always been one of the best when looking for local dating. Here, singles are looking for partners. The first dates began in 2005, but the site is continuously updated and easy to use.
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Find a date at a bar or a club if you enjoy hitting the town. If you feel comfortable and confident going out, you could meet a potential date at a busy bar or club. Keep in mind that many of these relationships end up being short-term or sexual, especially if you’re looking for more commitment.^{[5]
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Ask a friend to set you up if you’re shy, but want to meet in person. If the idea of picking somebody up at a club strikes fear into your heart, but dating apps aren’t your thing, ask a friend to set you up with someone they think might be good for you. Your friends know you well, so it’s likely they’ll introduce you to someone you’re compatible with.
- Try asking your friend something like this: "Hey, I've been thinking about dating, but I'm not sure where to start. Do you know anyone special that you might introduce me to?"^{[6]
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Meet like-minded dates through activities and events. You can meet potential dates by going to concerts by your favorite musicians, joining a sports team, or taking a new exercise class at the gym. If you meet someone while doing a particular activity, you’re guaranteed to have common interests – and something to do on potential future dates!^{[7]
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- Another upside of meeting dates at activities and events: even if you don’t connect with anyone, you’ll still have a fun morning, afternoon, or evening to yourself. Not meeting the person of your dreams stings a little less when you’ve had a great workout or seen your favorite band.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Approaching and Talking to Your Potential Date

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Indicate interest and project confidence during social situations. If you go to a sports game, a concert, or a bar in hopes of meeting someone in person, be bold. If approaching someone you're interested in isn't really your style, you can still make yourself look approachable and inviting.^{[8]
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- If you see someone you’re interested in, but you can’t come up with a pickup line or a conversation starter, buy a drink for them and ask the bartender to tell them it’s from you. It’s hard to go wrong with a simple, kind gesture.^{[9]
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- Make eye contact, smile, and raise your eyebrows – you just might make a connection from across the room.
- Be honest, but don't divulge all the secrets in one go.
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Make engaging small talk, whether you meet in person or online. A lot of people who swear they hate dating probably only hate small talk. However, if you establish common ground through casual chatting, you’ll be able to discuss more serious topics, and the overall conversation will flow a lot more smoothly.^{[10]
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- Ask broad, open-ended questions. Something like "So what got you interested in rock-climbing?" is a lot better than "Are you interested in rock-climbing?"
- If you meet in person, talk about where you are and what you're doing there. If you happen to meet someone playing beach volleyball, say something like: "Wow, you're really good. I'll know where to come in the future if I want my butt kicked. Do you play here often?"
- Relate to what the other person said. If they gripe about getting to work and you, too, have a difficult commute, express your shared frustration and tell them why you hate driving (or taking the bus or train).
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Don't take yourself too seriously. Nervous mistakes are simply a part of dating. You might trip over your words and say something you think is utterly stupid, or make an embarrassing typo while messaging on a dating app. Instead of taking yourself too seriously and letting the awkward moment get to you, try making a joke at your own expense. Luckily, some people think it's cute if their date is a little nervous.
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Be selective – but also reasonable – when pursuing potential dates. Don't go out with anyone who shows mild interest in you. People who are more discriminating tend to be seen as more desirable, and having standards shows that you value yourself and your time. ^{[11]
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Research source} On the other hand, if you keep holding out for the perfect person, you might miss out on a great connection.
- If you're in a room full of people with similar interests, you should be able to pick out one or two people who you'd like to go on a date with. Make it a point to not leave an event without showing interest, making a connection, or trading phone numbers with a few people.
- While swiping on an app like Tinder, take time to consider each potential match carefully, rather than turning them down based on an immediate gut reaction. Remember that there’s a real person behind that profile, and that you might make a great connection with them even if you’re not blown away by their photos. Treat people the way you would wish to be treated, online and off.^{[12]
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Be respectful, even if you’re not interested. If you start to suspect the person you’re talking to might not be right for you, they still might want to go out with you. If they ask you out and you’d rather not go, avoid making excuses like "I'm busy" or "I'm not ready to date right now."^{[13]
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Research source} These small lies can be more hurtful and insulting than just respectfully declining.
- Smile, say "No thanks, but I appreciate the offer", and change the subject to ease any discomfort.
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Ask the person on a date that you think they would genuinely enjoy. If you think your first interaction has gone well, ask the person out. By this time, you should have a good idea of what your potential date is interested in, or what they like to do for fun. Invite them to do something you think you would both enjoy. ^{[14]
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- If your date is lukewarm about trying new restaurants or bars, suggest a casual activity that’s relevant to what you’ve talked about with the other person instead of a dinner date. For instance, if they mentioned that they like a certain style of music, invite them to a concert you think they would enjoy.
- Have a good idea of what you’re going to say to the person so you don’t stumble over your words, but don’t memorize a statement ahead of time – you don’t want to sound scripted.^{[15]
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- Be polite and graceful if they say no. Even if you feel hurt or disappointed, try not to take their answer personally. Thank them for being honest with you and tell them you enjoyed meeting them.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Having a Great First Date

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Take care of your appearance, especially on date night. Long-term affection and connection has less to with looks and grooming, but how you look can have a large bearing on the initial attraction you feel for another person. Making a good first impression can go a long way.
- Even if you don’t have gleaming teeth, a perfect body, or a precisely symmetrical face, practicing good self-care is a simple but incredibly effective way to make yourself more attractive to other people. Being clean and well-groomed, dressing nicely, and having good posture can enhance your attractiveness significantly.^{[16]
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- After you get spruced up, don’t forget to be yourself. People do not like superficial dressing, speech or actions. Even if you’re dating casually, you want your date to like you for who you really are.^{[17]
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Choose an exciting date activity. Having fun together—that is what creates memories. Whether it's a roller-coaster ride, a concert, or a hockey game, a little excitement can turn a good first date into a great one. If the conversation sputters out – which is natural – you’ll have a healthy distraction while you come up with a new topic or question. Overall, your date will likely more memorable and enjoyable.
- During fun, high-energy dates, chemistry is in your favor. When you engage in an exciting activity while on a date, your brain releases dopamine and norepinephrine, which are hormones associated with pleasure, trust, and affection.^{[18]
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  Research source} If your date experiences those feelings and associates them with you, it can’t hurt your chances.
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Be positive when it’s time for your date. If you have had a bad day, put it behind you and greet your date with enthusiasm and a big smile. Don't show up for your date complaining about the traffic, your boss, or your job. If you must whine, whine a little during dinner, then cut it short with a remark like: "Glad I'm here with you now!"
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Conduct yourself politely and respectfully. Practicing good manners is essential to having a successful and fun date, whether it’s your first or your 127th. Be considerate and charming while giving your date you full attention.^{[19]
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- Turn off your phone – the only reason you should be checking or answering your phone is if you're a doctor! Concentrate on your date and listen to them carefully.
- Neither of you should feel obligated to pay for everything. It’s generally considered polite to split meals, or switch off paying for dates. For example, one person might pay for a movie on Friday, and the other might pay for bowling on Saturday.
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Avoid oversharing and dominating the conversation. Don't exaggerate or boast about your credentials and successes, or divulge too much personal information. If you share what you’re passionate about, be sure to ask them what they’re into as well, and listen carefully while they explain.^{[20]
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- Don't talk about past relationships – or other emotionally difficult topics – from the get-go. It’s important to respect your date’s boundaries, and you may project the impression that you are unable to let go of the past. Asking them about their own romantic history is also unadvisable. It’s a first date – you don’t need to bare your soul or tell your life story.
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Inject humor into your conversation to reduce tension and lighten the mood. Maybe you have an inside joke related to how you first met, or a funny story you’d like to tell. Whatever you say, it’s important to avoid taking yourself too seriously – it will allow both you and your date to be more present, and to enjoy each other’s company more fully.^{[21]
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Set a reasonable time limit for your date. Sometimes, when a date is going really well, your impulse is to keep it going at whatever cost. However, it’s better not to overwhelm your date by taking them on an hours-long excursion. It takes time to get to know someone – don’t expect it to occur in the space of a first date.
- If you ask enough questions and pay careful attention to your date, you shouldn’t run out of things to talk about. However, a shorter date will make this less likely to happen. Longer dates are more appropriate for when you’ve gotten to know the person well, and are comfortable making conversation with them.
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Have realistic expectations when the date comes to an end. Even if you’re head-over-heels, try to understand that the other person may need to take things slower. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, or that they’re not willing to consider dating you. Respect your date’s romantic pace, and try not to jump to negative conclusions if it doesn’t match yours.^{[22]
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- A kiss is acceptable on the first date, but make sure to ask if the other person is comfortable with it first. ("Can I kiss you" is simple and effective.) If you like the person, be polite but confident. If you don't kiss them by the third date, they may start to ask questions about you. ("Do they like me?" "What's their deal?" etc.)
- Never pressure the other person with regards to sex, or expect it to happen within a certain time frame. Allow it to occur naturally. You may have to wait several dates for it to even be a possibility.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Building on the First Date and Beyond

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Be patient and give them plenty of space. After your first date, continue with your other activities, and make it clear that you have a life beyond dating (because you do!). The idea is to overcome any feeling that you "need" to call them, or you "need" to see them again, or you "need" this to work out.^{[23]
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- Don't plan another date too quickly. Your partner (and you) need time to assess your feelings about the date, and whether you want to get together again. Within a week of your first date – but not right away – call or text them to ask them how they’d feel about going on another date.
- Never call, e-mail or text message multiple times a day. If you do reach out, wait for them reply.
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Don't be afraid to communicate affection, but be careful not to overdo it. Saying something like "I really like you; you're a great person" can mean a lot to your date. Saying the other "L"-word — "I love you" — is probably not recommended during the early stages of dating, even if that's the way you feel. It could come across as impulsive and intimidating, and your feelings might change, no matter how strongly you feel about the person.^{[24]
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Be honest about your feelings and intentions. If, after the first date, you don’t feel like you can commit to the person, let them know right away so you don’t give them false hope.^{[25]
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- Only say that you want to be friends if you mean it, and if you actually want to spend time with this person on a regular basis. If you want to continue to be in each other’s lives, honesty will remain a critical ingredient to a healthy relationship!
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Try not to take rejection personally if it happens. If you try dating, rejection is inevitable, but it’s not a reflection on whether or not you’re interesting or fun. If your date tells you they’re not interested in being involved with you – or simply stops responding to your texts – it shouldn’t stop you from continuing to meet new people.^{[26]
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- If you suspect that rejection might be difficult for you, avoid apps like Tinder that involve evaluating people based on superficial criteria. Being turned down based on a quick glance and a reflexive reaction can be detrimental to one’s self-esteem.^{[27]
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- If your date “ghosts” you, it’s more of a reflection of their lack of consideration than anything you might have done wrong. Move on – you deserve better than that!

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you date someone on a budget?

Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

Elvina Lui, MFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

The quality of a date doesn't really depend on material things. What matters is having fun together. In other words, don't go on hikes or to the library because it costs less. Instead, go on hikes or to the library because it's something you want to do together. You can introduce each other to interests that you had when you were younger, or try new things together. If you two love food, instead of eating at nice restaurants, you could cook together, and even try some challenging recipes. If you love traveling but can't afford big trips, do travel research and planning together, or go for a small trip within driving distance. You can also look into free or low-cost activities in your community, like concerts in the park, community theaters, zoos, museums, or even shows put on by the local high schools.

Warnings

When you've decided that you're going on a date, it’s important to let a close friend or family member know where you've gone and what your plans are, for your own personal safety.

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Be safe, be careful, and listen to your intuition. If you get a bad feeling during the date, politely end it without feigning excuses. Being firm, courteous, and honest is usually the best way to make an emergency exit.

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