How to Ask Your Boyfriend if He Loves You

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: March 1, 2022 References

Talking to your boyfriend about his feelings can be super awkward. But, if you’re not sure how he feels about you, having a heart-to-heart talk may help clear things up. The best way to find out is to ask him directly, but you can also learn a lot by paying attention to his actions! Some guys have a hard time opening up, so it might help to break the ice by telling him how you feel, first.

1

Give the relationship some time before you ask.

Building that level of trust and closeness can take a while. A new relationship is a roller-coaster ride of exciting emotions, but it can take a while to figure out your feelings. Don’t rush into asking your boyfriend about the big L right away. Everyone figures things out at their own pace, and putting him on the spot too soon might make him uncomfortable.^{[1]
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Research source}
- There’s no one right or wrong time in a relationship for someone to say “I love you.”^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Do some soul-searching to try to decide when the time is right. For instance, you might wait until you’re sure that you love him before you start asking how he feels about you.
- Don’t worry about “rules” like waiting for a certain number of months or having a specific number of dates before you bring up the subject. Every couple is different!

2

Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and won’t be interrupted.

It’s easier to open up when you’re not under pressure. If you and your boyfriend are stressed or busy, it’s going to be hard to have a good conversation about your feelings. Wait until the two of you can be alone and have plenty of time to chat.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source} For example, don’t ask him when he’s worrying about a big test or trying to finish a bunch of homework.
- Try saying something like, “Hey, there’s something important I’ve been wanting to ask you. Is this a good time?”
- It’s also okay to be a little spontaneous, if the moment feels right! For example, if you’ve just had an amazing date and are relaxing in each other’s arms, it might be a good moment to talk about your feelings.

3

Lead by letting him know how you feel first.

If your guy isn’t sure how you feel, he might be scared to open up himself. Try putting him at ease by spilling the beans first, if you feel ready. Be sincere and tell him exactly what’s on your mind (and heart).^{[4]
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- If you say it first, he might let you know how he feels without waiting to be asked!
- In addition to telling him that you love him, tell him why he’s so special to you. For instance, you could say things like, “You’re always there for me, and I’m so grateful for that. I love the way we can make each other smile and laugh—and I love you.”
- You don’t have to use the words “I love you” if you’re not comfortable saying it that way. For example, try something like “You mean so much to me,” “I care about you a lot,” or “I’m totally crazy about you.”

4

Ask directly if you feel comfortable with that.

Sometimes the best way to get answers is to ask direct questions. You and your boyfriend may know each other pretty well, but you can’t read his mind! If you’re not sure how he’s feeling, just ask.^{[5]
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Research source} Once you’ve fessed up about how you feel, say something like, “I know it can be tough to open up about something like this, but it would really mean a lot to me to know how you’re feeling. Do you love me?”
- If you don’t want to put too much pressure on him, say something like, “I know that’s a big question. You don’t have to answer right away if you’re not ready.”

5

Write it down if you have trouble asking out loud.

Sometimes it’s easier to ask a difficult question if you put it on paper. If you just can’t get the words out of your mouth, try writing your boyfriend a note asking how he feels instead. You can write it in a greeting card or on a sticky note, send him a text, or even hold up signs!
- For example, you could write a cute note saying, “Do you love me? Check yes or no.”
- This is also a good way to give your boyfriend extra time to think about his answer. For example, give him a card with a love note inside and tell him he can read it (and answer) whenever he’s ready.

6

Try other questions if you’re nervous about asking directly.

There’s more than one way to talk about love. Maybe directly asking “Do you love me” gives you cold feet. The good news is that there are lots of other questions you can ask to get an idea of where things stand in your relationship.^{[6]
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Research source} For example, you might ask things like:
- “How are you feeling about us right now?”
- “Do you see us staying together long-term?”
- “What do you like about our relationship?”
- “What can I do to help you feel more loved?”

7

Accept that he might not give you the answer you want.

He may not feel the same way you do, and that’s okay. Asking someone how they feel about you is scary. There’s always a chance your special guy won’t return your feelings. But, as tough as that can be, it’s important to clear the air and get an idea of where things stand. You can always hope for a “yes,” but be prepared for a “no” or even an “I’m not sure yet.”^{[7]
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- Whatever he says, respect his answer. Only he can decide how he feels about you!
- Even if he isn’t ready to say “I love you” yet, that doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t get there. He may just need more time to figure out how he feels.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}

8

Listen for other things he says to express his love.

“I love you” isn’t the only way to say “I love you.” Pay attention to other things your boyfriend says to you. Does he use kind, respectful, and loving language? Does he use other words to tell you how he feels about you and the relationship?^{[9]
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Research source} For example, he may say things like:
- “I care so much about you.”
- “You’re awesome!”
- “I’m so happy when we’re together.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “Thanks for everything you do.”

9

See if he shows real interest in you.

If he acts like he’s into you, he probably is. Does your boyfriend ask you about your day? Does he pay attention to your fears, hopes, and dreams? Have you noticed that he remembers the things you tell him about yourself? If he makes a point of taking an interest and paying attention, that’s a good sign—it means he cares about you as a person.^{[10]
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- On the other hand, if your bae constantly talks about himself and his own interests and doesn’t seem that into anything you have to say, that could mean that his mind and heart are somewhere else.

10

Ask yourself if he’s helpful, considerate, and kind.

When it comes to love, actions definitely speak louder than words. Watch for the things your guy does to show you how much he cares, whether it’s offering to cook a meal for you, bringing you little gifts, or cheering you on before a big test.^{[11]
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- Pay attention to how he acts with you in both good and bad times. For example, is he there to comfort you when you’re feeling down? Does he celebrate with you when things are going well?

11

Pay attention to how he touches you.

A touch, a kiss, or a hug can say a lot. Think about what it’s like when your boyfriend gets physical with you. Does he give you lots of affectionate touches? Do his touches feel loving and respectful?^{[12]
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- Loving touches can include things like hugs, holding hands, backrubs, or even just a gentle pat on the shoulder from time to time. You might notice that he likes to snuggle up close or lean against you when you’re sitting together.
- Sexual touching can definitely be a sign of love and affection, but it’s important that these kinds of touches are respectful and that it’s something you both want. Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about what sex means to both of you.

12

Watch for signs that he respects your boundaries.

Boundaries are super important in a healthy relationship. A loving boyfriend should be there for you. But, also pay attention to whether he’s willing to back off and give you space when you ask him to.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
New York State Government
Official website for the State of New York
Go to source} If he respects your boundaries, that’s a good sign that he loves and cares about you.
- For example, if you ask your boyfriend to stop making comments or jokes that bother you, he should apologize and stop.
- It’s totally normal for people to cross each other’s boundaries sometimes, even in a loving relationship. Watch for how he reacts when you let him know he’s crossed the line, though. He should make a sincere effort not to do it again.

13

Note whether he includes you in his decisions.

If he gets you involved in his life choices, he’s probably pretty into you. Your boyfriend doesn’t have to get your input on every little thing he does. And it’s also totally okay if he does things without you from time to time. But if he goes out of his way to get you involved, he likely cares about your opinions and feels like it’s important to do things with you.^{[14]
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Research source} For example:
- Does he ask for your input about what the two of you do together?
- Does he get your advice when he’s making major decisions that might affect both of you? For instance, if he’s thinking about where he wants to go to college, he might talk to you about it.

Expert Q&A

Question

What does it mean if your boyfriend won't say I love you?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

It's possible he just needs more time to sort out his feelings, so don't despair. Consider giving him more time to fall in love with you.