How to Ask Parents or In‐Laws to Call Before Visiting

Last Updated: March 24, 2022

It can be challenging to maintain a healthy relationship if your parents or in-laws never give you any privacy. If you are in a new relationship or recently started a family, your parents or in-laws may get overly excited and visit too often or unannounced. To resolve this situation, you will need to work closely with your spouse. Once you are on the same page, you can frankly communicate your need for privacy to your in-laws or parents.^{[1]
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Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting on the Same Page with Your Spouse

1
Respect your spouse’s relationship with their parents. It is important to acknowledge and respect the relationship that your spouse has with their parents. Regardless of whether or not you enjoy the company of your In-laws, you need to understand and respect their significance for your spouse. You should communicate your respect to your spouse:^{[2]
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- “I really admire the relationship that you have with your father. You seem to share so many things. You’re lucky to have a parent like that in your life.”
2
Avoid making your spouse choose between you and their parents. Although the situation of your in-laws dropping by unannounced is extremely frustrating, you are unlikely to resolve it by giving your spouse a choice between you and their parents. Instead, you should work with your spouse to find a way to increase your privacy and the quality time that you have together.^{[3]
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Research source} For example, avoid giving ultimatums like the following:
- “It’s up to you. Go live with your parents or stop giving in to their every demand and become committed to our relationship.”
- Instead, try saying: “We really need to find a way to resolve this situation. What are some things we could do to stop your parents from coming by unannounced?”
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3
Talk to your spouse about setting boundaries.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Maggie Mitchell
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.} Discuss the need to establish better boundaries with your parents or in-laws. You may want to discuss the kinds of values that you grew up with and the kinds of values that you want to have as a couple or a family. In addition, you may want to chat about your respective expectations for time together, away from friends and family.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Maggie Mitchell
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.} If there are barriers to spending time together such as parents or in-laws who drop by unannounced, talk about how to overcome these barriers.^{[6]
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4
Agree to explain and enforce your visiting rules together.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Maggie Mitchell
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.} You need to come to an actual agreement with your spouse, so that you are on the same page in consistently explaining and enforcing visiting rules. Decide how you will explain the rules and situations where you need to enforce the rules.
- For example, decide how you will explain the reason to your parents or in laws. You could decide to both explain the reason for wanting notice of upcoming visits in terms of privacy or working on your marriage or other justifications. Whatever reason you choose, you should make sure you are consistent in your explanations.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Asking Parents to Call Before Visiting

1
Communicate your love and respect.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Maggie Mitchell
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.} Before telling your parents about your need for privacy, you should make sure they know how much you love and respect them. This will help them understand that your reason for asking them to call is not that you don’t want to see them but, rather, that you need privacy for your relationship or marriage to flourish. You could tell them:
- “As I start my new family, I have really started to appreciate the amount of love and hard work that you put into raising us. It couldn’t have been easy. I just want you to know how much I respect the job you did as parents.”
- “Although I’ve been busy with work and my new relationship, I just wanted to let you know how much love and respect I have for both of you. Thanks for being amazing parents.”
2
Explain your need for privacy.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Maggie Mitchell
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.} Tell your parents that you are at a stage in your relationship where you need privacy for things to move forward. Tell them that there are a lot of things that can get in the way such as work obligations, social events and even family obligations. ^{[10]
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Research source} For instance, you could say:
- “We’re having a hard time finding privacy in our lives. There are a lot of demands on both of us right now. And there are always so many social and family events on the calendar. I just wanted to let you know that we’re trying to cut down on social and family events so that we can have more time together. If we say no to an invitation, that’s the reason.”
3
Tell them to call before coming over.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Maggie Mitchell
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.} You should plainly tell them that you would appreciate a ring before they come over. If they ask for an explanation, you could tell them that it helps you and your spouse maintain some privacy. For instance, you could say:^{[12]
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- “It would be great if you could just give a ring before coming over. That way, we know when to expect you and can prepare for your visit.”^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Maggie Mitchell
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.}
- “My partner, Joyce, and I are trying to find more time together these days. We tell people to call before stopping by. If you wouldn’t mind doing the same, it would be much appreciated.”
4
Tell them when a boundary has been disrespected. If your parents disrespect your privacy by dropping by unannounced, you should let them know. Try saying:
- “It is flattering that you want to see us and the baby all the time. However, I should let you know, we were actually trying to have a night for just the two of us when you dropped by unannounced the other day. If you can avoid that in the future, we would be so grateful.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting In-Laws to Call Before Visiting

1
Ask your partner to speak to your In-laws about the situation. Tell your partner that you would really appreciate it if they could tell your in-laws not to drop by unannounced. Also, you should remind them to communicate how much you appreciate their role in your lives. You could try asking:^{[14]
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- “Do you mind asking your folks if they could give a ring before stopping by?”
- “Can you talk to your parents about their constant visits?”
2
Communicate your needs to your In-laws.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Maggie Mitchell
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.} If your spouse is comfortable with the idea, you could also directly communicate your needs to your in-laws. Say that the two of you have made a decision to ask all family members to call before visiting. By framing it as a general rule, they may be less likely to get offended. Try saying:^{[16]
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- “We have made a decision, as a couple, to ask all friends and family members to call before visiting.”
3
Be blunt if absolutely necessary. If your in-laws continue to drop by unannounced after you tell them about your need for privacy, you may need to use more straightforward language. When they drop by, tell them that you are actually busy and don’t have time for them at the moment. Eventually, they should get the message that they need to call before visiting. You might say:^{[17]
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- "Sorry you came all this way. I'm not sure if you remember, but we're actually busy right now. You really should have called before coming all this way."
- "Sorry, we're actually in the middle of something right now. If you give us a ring later in the week, we can make plans for a better day that works for both of us."
- "Thanks for coming but we're actually busy right now. I hear there's a great new restaurant on Main Street, why don't you check that out. Call us later in the week and we'll set up a time for dinner soon?"