How to Handle a Dramatic Sister in Law

Look to yourself first. It can be hard when to do this when someone else pushes your buttons. But it is important because it is your reaction that defines whether or not she feels she can keep going in the same direction with you. Some of the things to consider include:

• Stay silent and there's a risk she just thinks you're dumb, awed by her or chewed up with resentment. Take your pick, she's probably happy to think you're feeling all three. And she'll use your silence to keep putting across her point of view at the expense of yours. If you're grinning and bearing it, you're likely turning into a doormat.
• Argue and she probably thinks her brother/sister has married an angry, resentful and bitter so-and-so who hates her and will do anything to come between her and her brother/sister. You may feel as if you're defending yourself but to her, it's about you not caring what she thinks and possibly even about putting her down. This doesn't mean there isn't room for disagreement; it just means that the manner in which you realign her understanding must be done with care.

Create boundaries. State the facts about matters that she pressures you about, firmly but politely, and avoid being emotional into the bargain. If you state things simply, stick to the facts and avoid making it into an issue about her, she has few places to run. Be aware that she may continue to resent you for speaking your mind in an assertive and self-effective way but this shouldn't stop you from clarifying your position. Ultimately, she has to respect someone who doesn't argue, lose their temper or bite their tongue but instead makes it absolutely clear where the boundaries exist. And even if she doesn't everyone else will plainly see that you are the cooler head in the room.

• For example, let's say your daughter Sheila has been running outside and has fallen over. Your S-I-L insists that she needs to see a doctor or something terrible might happen. You are quite sure nothing of the sort will occur and you know you're a good parent but S-I-L keeps badgering you, upping the intensity of all the bad things that will happen if you fail to follow her advice. Offer your S-I-L a calmly spoken "That's very kind of you to notice that Sheila has a bruised knee but I am thoroughly satisfied that Sheila is going to be all right; this happens all the time and is a part of the way she learns to cope with the great outdoors. She does not need to see the doctor." And that's the end of it, no need to enter into any further discussion. If S-I-L keeps trying, smile and change the subject; refuse to re-engage on the matter.

Talk to your spouse about your feelings. Avoid name-calling, insulting or insinuating anything about your sister-in-law. Instead, explain how you feel when the proverbial dung hits the fan whenever you're in her presence. Your spouse cannot fault your feelings, so be clear and thoughtful in stating them. This puts your spouse on notice that you've recognized the behavior of your S-I-L for what it is and that you have chosen to no longer accept being at the receiving end of it.

• For example, "Georgia, when your sister talks a lot about how hard it is to fund her children's private schooling, I feel claustrophobic because she doesn't know when to stop discussing it. Given that we can barely afford our mortgage, I feel a little distressed at this kind of talk all night. I'd like to stop putting myself in this position from now on by simply acknowledging her problem but not letting her continue discussing it all night and I'd like you to help me do this by finding other subjects to talk about that don't involve money. Do you think that this is something you can get on board with?".

Ask your spouse to think carefully about the way in which he or she relays information about family issues. Tell your spouse that you love to hear about how your sister-in-law is doing but that you don't appreciate hearing about the embellished drama that often comes with it. Help your spouse to recognize what you consider to be "drama" from what you consider to be "real news" and in time, both of you will learn to speak about family matters in a less dramatic and more emotionally healthy way.

• Remind your spouse gently whenever you feel that your S-I-L's drama is being repeated in your house. You could even have a special signal rather than having to spell it out each time.
• Place a ban on gossip at home (or anywhere). Remind one another whenever it veers anywhere near close to gossip and shut it down. It doesn't matter if you feel you are being gossiped about; you're the bigger person for not engaging in the same behavior.

Avoid answering what isn't worthy of a response. Don't respond to any text messages that do not directly relate to a family get-together, positive messages or something else perfectly normal. If you are getting texts that spell out her outrage about things that have happened to her, her annoyance at something you've apparently done or to send you gossip about family or friends, let it slide and leave her wondering.

• If you feel angry and want to send back a retort, reprimand or justification straight away, don't do it. Treat your anger or irritation as a warning sign to sleep on the matter. Furious texting or messaging can only end in more angst on both sides.

Keep social media networking to a minimum with your sister-in-law if she sets off your buttons. If your S-I-L is truly a pain and a bit of a drama queen, it's possible that her social networking reflects her attention-seeking ways. You can be all too easily drawn into a web of her anger and drama venting if you can see her Facebook updates or her latest tweets.

• If she friends you, you can do one of several things.
  • One, simply ignore the request. When she asks you about it, tell her that you don't use social media much to exchange important things (or at all); or
  • Two, reply to her with a "Thanks but no thanks, I am not accepting new requests at the moment due to busyness/privacy/overloading, etc." You might also add something like, "Besides, we see each other often and I prefer we talk face-to-face"; or
  • Three, turn all of your settings to private so that she can't see who you are friends with. Either say nothing or tell her either that you stopped using social media or that you only have a tight knit circle of followers and don't wish to extend it at the moment. If you say you didn't receive any request, she'll only resend it, but it might buy enough time to throw her off the whole idea if you offer to "look into it" but let the "looking into it" drag on and refuse to raise the matter again); or
  • Four, offer her a more neutral alternative. Offer to friend her on Pinterest and focus solely on a shared craft or cooking board. Nothing racy or mean spirited, of course.
• Try to avoid using the terminology of "friends" when discussing any refusal to accept her request. Unfortunately, the usage of this term by social media sites has caused many people to take it at face value; many people are simply followers or fans, not friends. She might feel devalued if you make any suggestion that she is being rejected as a "friend".
• If she is already a follower of one or more of your networking sites, you might consider blocking her and turning your pages private on some sites. Most probably you will need to explain what has happened (with a sound excuse); if she's a drama queen, she'll not only notice but she'll take offense too.

Take care if you do soldier on and try to be her friend online and/or through the phone. If she acts abusively, it is recommended that you keep records to show your spouse and other family members if needed. Save messages, emails, voice-mails, etc. Some drama queens like to "attack" when nobody else can see, thinking you won't have the courage to out them. This isn't about deliberately looking for dirt but it is a way of protecting yourself if anything should get out of hand. However, this is truly the stuff of last resort––if you handle yourself deftly in public situations around your S-I-L, everyone will know for real who is behaving and who is stirring the pot.

Get on with your lives together. You married your spouse, not your family. While his or her family members are part of the package, they are not a part of your intimacy and they do not share the same journey with the two of you. If you make it very obvious that you're not bothered by jealousy, insinuations, rumors or gossip, it will soon become clear to your S-I-L that her barbs, attitude and meanness aren't pricking you in the way that they used to. Eventually, it ceases to be profitable or enjoyable for her to keep bothering and most likely she'll begrudgingly go and find someone else to taunt and hassle.

• Spend less time around your S-I-L. In what ways are you putting yourself in her pathway? While it may feel like you have to put up with her, you can find ways to reduce the time spent together. For example, ask other family members to meet you at different times than when she is around, more often than not. Don't always do this, or she will have a legitimate cause for complaining, but time spent with other family members shouldn't always involve her presence. If you live far away and have to visit once a year, stay in your own accommodation to give yourself respite.
• Take walks, get outside and don't overstay any welcome when it comes to drawn-out family events that press your buttons. Families know the pressure points better than anyone and unfortunately, some like to press them. At such events, your S-I-L probably has alliances that she can set in train to be even more effective, so the less time spent near such complaint-prone cliques, the better.

Listen for real. When you are around your S-I-L, try active listening and acknowledgment in place of letting your fog of self-defensiveness take control. When she gets on top of her complaining mountain, instead of trying to topple her off with "if you think that's bad, you should live in my shoes" replies, actually focus on her and try to discern what is really driving her jibes, whining and gossip. By not making this about you, you may be truly surprised at what you unearth.As for responding to her, acknowledge her pain with neutral comments like: "I'm sorry you have had to go through that to pay an electricity bill. It must be hard having four kids chewing through the power each month." Don't offer advice, don't offer how you would deal with it and don't ever offer to pay or pave the way to see her problem resolved. She owns it, you simply acknowledge it.