How to Ignore Your Mother in Law

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: August 24, 2022 References

Having an overbearing or annoying mother-in-law can be damaging to your own peace of mind and may potentially cause a rift in your relationship. If you find talking to your mother-in-law or even just being around her difficult, ignoring her might seem like the only option to staying sane and happy. By limiting your time with your mother-in-law, dealing with her difficult behavior, and attempting to address or become aware of the issues in your relationship with her, you can safely and responsibly learn to ignore your mother-in-law.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Avoiding Your Mother-in-Law

1
Limit your interactions. While ignoring your mother-in-law completely should be a last resort, you can reduce the amount of time you spend with her. It’s absolutely acceptable for your spouse to attend some family events without you, and this may even make your mother-in-law happier. Don’t feel the need to attend every event that your mother-in-law will be at.^{[1]
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- Don’t feel the need to lie or ask your spouse to lie on your behalf about why you can’t go to an event that your mother-in-law is at. Keep the explanation simple by saying something like “I wasn’t in the mood to go out.” Lying will only make the relationship between yourself and your mother-in-law more difficult.
- Talk to your spouse about which events you are able to miss, as it might be important to them that you go to some. However, you can also explain that you don't want to go to an event. A successful relationship is based on communication and compromise.
2
Disengage with your mother-in-law if you start getting annoyed. If spending time with your mother-in-law is making you angry or annoyed, try removing or distancing yourself from the conversation.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Calmly excuse yourself, or ask someone nearby if they have any thoughts on the topic. This will allow you to remove yourself from the situation.^{[3]
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- If you’re at a social event such as a large family gathering or wedding, this should be easy to do. If you’re in a smaller social situation, it may help to talk to your spouse beforehand — they might be able to give you some space to disengage if you need it.
- You could excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, to go and refresh your drink, or simply to go talk to someone else.
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3
Detach yourself emotionally from her. If you can’t disengage from a conversation with your mother-in-law, try removing or limiting the emotional connection you have to her. Remind yourself that you don't need to consider her as a part of your family if you don't want her to be. Her thoughts and opinions don’t need to shape what you do if you disagree with her.^{[4]
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- Think of your mother-in-law as an acquaintance, rather than as another mother, if your relationship isn’t warm and familial.
- Don’t feel pressured into calling your mother-in-law “mom” or “mother” unless you’re comfortable with it. If she or your spouse complains, calmly explain that you don't feel comfortable calling her "mom." You don't need to make up a reason or explain further.
4
Distance yourself physically from your mother-in-law. If you live nearby your mother-in-law, it may be easier for her to come by unannounced. While you don’t need to move cross country, moving slightly further away from your mother-in-law may help establish some boundaries that are easier to maintain.^{[5]
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- Moving house is a big endeavor and not a decision that should be taken lightly. Talk to your spouse about some of the benefits and costs of moving house, rather than just moving to help you ignore your mother-in-law. It could be a point on the list, rather than the entire reason for moving.
5
Talk to your spouse about cutting your mother-in-law off completely. If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is emotionally manipulative or abusive, cutting her off temporarily or permanently might be the only option. Talk to your spouse about why you think she is a negative presence in your life, and discuss what the best option for your family will be.^{[6]
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- This is a difficult conversation to have and one that should be handled very carefully. Approach the subject gently with your spouse — remember, your mother-in-law is their mother, meaning they will have a different relationship. Stay calm, discuss the situation, and explain why you think cutting your mother-in-law off is the right move.
- You could say something like "I don't feel like the relationship we have with your mother is healthy, and it's causing me a lot of stress. Could we talk about reducing the time we spend with her or the access she has to us?"

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Dealing with Difficult Behavior

1
Express your feelings to your spouse. Talking to your spouse about your issues with your mother-in-law may make it easier for you to handle them.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Mention specific things that you find difficult to deal with and ask for their help if they notice it happening in the future.^{[8]
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- Try using statements about how you feel, rather than statements about things that your mother-in-law does. You don’t need to villainize your spouse’s mother, you only need to explain that you sometimes find her difficult.
- For example, you could say "When your mother visits unannounced, I feel like my personal space is being invaded and it makes me anxious."
- Your spouse may get defensive or uncomfortable as you discuss issues you have with their mother. Avoid raising the tension if you notice this happening. Stay calm and explain your perspective kindly and with compassion. Give your partner space to process and remind them that you care about them.
2
Define boundaries between yourself and your mother-in-law. Rather than suddenly ignoring or avoiding your mother-in-law, setting some boundaries might allow you to build a healthier and safer relationship. Work out what it is about your mother-in-law that annoys you, and work out some reasonable boundaries for your relationship.^{[9]
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Research source} Here are some examples:
- If your mother-in-law gives her opinion on everything you do, you might want to set a boundary on the advice you want from her. You could ask that she doesn’t tell you how to discipline your kids or cook a certain meal unless you ask for her help.
- If you ignore your mother-in-law because she comes over a lot unannounced, you could tell her that she needs to call before visiting your home so that you have time to prepare for her. You could also ask that she only visits a certain number of times each week or month.
- If your mother-in-law is overly comfortable or open with you, such as by telling you about family drama or asking you to call her “mom.” you could tell her that you’d prefer to use her name, or avoid getting too engaged in gossip. Suggest some other conversation topics that would interest both of you and set the boundaries on your relationship.
3
Explain and establish your boundaries. Sit down with your mother-in-law somewhere she feels comfortable, and verbalize your boundaries. Outline what boundaries you want to set, how you plan to enforce them, and why you think this will improve your relationship or solve a problem. Speak with kindness and compassion.^{[10]
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- If you don’t feel comfortable explaining the boundaries to your mother-in-law, talk about them with your spouse first. They may be more comfortable talking to their mother and setting up the boundaries. However, if your spouse is unsuccessful, you may need to talk to your mother-in-law yourself.
- Instead of talking through the boundaries with your mother-in-law, you could write a letter or an e-mail outlining them instead. Remember to write kindly — you should be trying to repair and strengthen a relationship, rather than kick her out of your life.
- Start with something like "I appreciate having you in my life and I want to make sure that our relationship is as healthy as possible." Try to phrase the discussion as you and your mother-in-law solving a problem, rather than you fighting with her.
4
Enforce your boundaries consistently and compassionately. The boundaries you’ve established will only help if you make sure that they are enforced properly. Know the boundaries yourself and know when they are being crossed.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Gently remind your mother-in-law that she is stepping over the boundaries you established any time they are broken.^{[12]
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- If your mother-in-law doesn’t respond to gentle reminders, you may need to address her crossing your boundaries more directly. Tell your mother-in-law that she has broken the boundaries you set up, and remind her what she can do to resolve it.
- For example, if your mother-in-law visits unannounced, you could say "It's great to see you, but we agreed that you'd let us know before you came over. Now isn't really a good time, but we could have you over for dinner on Sunday?"
- Make sure that your spouse understands how to enforce the boundaries, and that they are committed to doing so with you. Express that these boundaries are important to make you feel comfortable and happy, as well as strengthening the relationship between you and your mother-in-law.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Addressing Deeper Issues

1
Think about your mother-in-law compassionately and as a complex person. Almost nobody in the world is inherently evil, including your mother-in-law. Try to understand her experiences and why she might act in the way that she does. Remember that she is a complex person, and most likely wants you and your spouse to be happy — even if she goes about that in a difficult way.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}^{[14]
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- Consider what your mother-in-law is used to or expecting as a parent to your spouse, as a grandmother to your children, or even as a mother-in-law to you. Working out what she wants and why she wants it can help navigate a difficult relationship and avoid needing to ignore her completely.
2
Center yourself and understand why you’re upset. If you find yourself getting annoyed with your mother-in-law and considering ignoring her, try to take a step back and ask what it is that irritates you. Understanding why you’re annoyed might help you process your emotions better and find an easier way to resolve them.^{[15]
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- If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is too comfortable with you, it might help to consider how you connect with other people. While you don’t have to change who you are, you may be able to find a way to meet your mother-in-law in the middle by changing your relationship.
3
Limit your expectations of the relationship. Your mother-in-law doesn’t need to be someone you are incredibly close and familiar with, especially if you are very different people. Rather than trying to change your mother-in-law to create the relationship you want, try to change the expectations of your relationship to something that will accommodate both you and her.^{[16]
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- Try establishing different types of relationships with your mother-in-law instead. Think of her as a friend, an acquaintance, or a coworker, rather than as a mother-in-law or second mother. This might help you limit your expectations and handle her better.
- If your mother-in-law is harmful, emotionally manipulative, or abusive to you or your family, you should be very cautious in your expectations of the relationship. It might be unsafe for you to have a relationship with your mother-in-law at all. Remember that the safety of yourself and your family should always come first.

Community Q&A

Question

We are financially-stable professionals, yet my mother-in-law weighs in on our finances and puts down our lifestyle decisions, like a recent cottage purchase. She does not do so with her other child. Advice?

Isolde

Top Answerer

First talk to your spouse, who may be telling your mother-in-law financial information that should only be shared between the two of you. Tell your spouse you don't want this happening, if it is. As for your M-I-L, when she tries to advise you, inform her that you appreciate her willingness to provide advice, but that you have both spoken with financial advisers who have confirmed you've made the right choices. You're happy with your decision, and as such, it requires no more input, as the decision has been made. Then try to change the subject or leave the room to break the train of discussion for a time.
Question

My mother-in-law keeps nagging me and creates unnecessary drama frequently. She can get upset about anything. So I don't understand how to speak with her. I have lost my mental stability because of her.

Isolde

Top Answerer

It is very hard to speak to someone who gets upset easily. This kind of person may have a personality disorder, high needs for attention and a love of drama, which can make communicating with them difficult. The answer for you lies in not taking their drama personally and in making non-emotional responses to their outrage and nagging, like "Oh really, that must be hard for you" or "That's a hardship for you for sure!" or "Sure, that's a good suggestion, I am already comfortable with how I do it but thanks for the idea." Refuse to engage deeply with anything she screams about, let the nagging slide and have pity for her instead of feeling it's personal. She is likely insecure, needy and lonely and uses the negative communication techniques of nagging and outrage to get attention because she's never learned how to communicate assertively. Most of all, remember to never stoop to her level: keep your comments calm, neutral and objective, no matter how emotional she gets.

Warnings

If your mother-in-law is abusive to you, your spouse, or your children, you should cut them off immediately and consider contacting the authorities.

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Ignoring or cutting someone off completely without discussion can be very hurtful — especially if you’re ignoring a family member. It’s always better to work through your issues compassionately and slowly to avoid feelings getting hurt.

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