How to Live with a Mother in Law

Last Updated: May 13, 2021 References

Sometimes, moving in with your in-laws is the only option you and your spouse have at the moment. Maybe you and your spouse are enduring financial troubles and your mother-in-law has offered to help. Or, maybe your aging mother-in-law requires more assistance and supervision, so living with you is the best choice for her well-being. Whatever the reasons, living with an in-law can be tough. Learn how to live together in relative harmony by creating boundaries, developing a good-natured relationship with her, and protecting your marriage.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Creating Boundaries

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Discuss how housework will be divided. When there are several generations of adults living in a household, it can be easy to get in a war about how the cooking, cleaning, and shopping is done.^{[1]
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Research source} You and your spouse may have always done things a certain way and find yourselves having to submit to your MIL’s methods instead. To prevent such a bumping of heads, discuss the details of the household early on.
- How you choose to handle things will depend largely on your personal preferences and your MIL’s. If the living arrangement is only temporary, you might feel okay releasing the reigns and getting a break from some of your household chores. Or, if you are temporarily moving in with her, you might not mind having to move up something like dinner time to suit her regular schedule.
- However, if this move is permanent, the three of you need to decide who will take care of what from here on out. For example, you or your spouse might prefer to cook most meals but request that your MIL (if physically capable) help out with the laundry and house-cleaning.
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Explain your disciplinary process for children. Similar to household chores, you will also want to outline how discipline will take place in your changing home environment. Although there are bound to be some disagreements between all the adults over what’s right or wrong for the children, talking about discipline beforehand can help to get everyone on the same page and set clear boundaries.^{[2]
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- You and your spouse should sit down with his mother and explain to her how disciplining is done in your household. Include everything that’s relevant—major infractions, typical punishments, and quirks of each individual child.
- Then, you may want to explain what you expect of her. Perhaps, you want to leave the disciplining up to you and your spouse. In this context, your MIL might simply tell either of you when one of the kids is out of line and allow you to handle the issue. Just be sure that everyone understands their role.
- Also, encourage your mother-in-law to respectfully support you and your spouse’s disciplinary decisions, or, at the very least, not verbally challenge or criticize them in front of the children. You might say, “Mom, I know you may not agree with all of our choices, but it would be great if you could show your support in front of the children.”
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Learn to pick your battles.^{[3]
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Research source} Sometimes, relenting a little in one area can be enough to make everyone satisfied. Try not to be extremely stringent about the small stuff that doesn’t matter all that much to you. That way, you can continue to hold your ground about the big issues without seeming inflexible.
- For instance, if your MIL has something that’s important to her that she wants to do, such as doing the laundry a certain way, don’t fight her on it if the change doesn’t really affect the household environment, and isn’t all that important to you.
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Decide if your home needs modifications. If your elderly mother-in-law is moving into your home, you may need to make some logistical changes to ensure her comfort. Many families often build an in-law suite which provides most of the essentials of a home and allows her a sense of privacy.^{[4]
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Research source} Depending on your MIL’s health you may also need to modify bathrooms and other rooms to promote handicap accessibility.
- Work with your spouse and your MIL’s health care team to determine what changes need to be made in your home before she arrives. For example, if you have a multi-story home, it may be best to set your MIL up in a downstairs bedroom to reduce her need to take the stairs. You might also need to install a ramp outdoors to accommodate her wheelchair, if she has one.^{[5]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Protecting Your Marriage

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Make it a team effort. Communication between you and your spouse should be the top priority during and after the transition of living with your mother-in-law. The two of you need to be in accord and your spouse needs to be willing to maintain any limitations with his mom. If he or she falters in supporting your guidelines, you may end up continually at war with your MIL about this issue or that one. What’s more, you might also find yourself at war with your spouse.
- Presenting as a united front is incredibly important. For one, if your spouse doesn’t fully cooperate, your mother-in-law may not respect your decision and try to fight you on it. Seeing that the two of you are firm in your rules will minimize the chances of that.
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Communicate any issues with your spouse first. Working in accord also means that you should bring any problems to your spouse before discussing them with his or her mom. By doing this, you have a chance to vent your frustrations in a safe space. Then, the two of you can come up with an action plan as a couple.
- Your spouse may want to address any issues with mom alone or with you present. Respect his or her choice either way. Hold your tongue if your mother-in-law says or does something in defiance of your boundaries.^{[6]
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  Research source} You can easily say something in the moment that you later regret.^{[7]
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  Research source} Spouting off in anger can quickly result in creating a divide between you and your spouse because you were disrespectful with his mom.
- You might say “Honey, your mother criticized my parenting in front of the kids today. It really made me feel like we weren’t on the same team. Could you please talk with her about this when you get a chance?”
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Make the most of your couple time. Your mother-in-law living in the home can potentially eliminate the intimacy factor between you and your spouse. The time you and your spouse may have spent together watching TV after putting the kids to bed or after a long day’s work might be interrupted by her presence. It’s essential that the two of you cherish and protect your alone time, which will strengthen your bond despite the new household changes.^{[8]
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- Talk with your mother-in-law and explain your needs. You may be able to request that she babysit so that you two can go on a date. Or, you might simply let her know that on Fridays, you and your spouse enjoy lunch together, and you’d appreciate if you could keep it that way.
- Balance your demands by doing plenty of things as a whole family and also encourage your spouse to spend time with his or her mother, too.
- An example of how to approach this subject might be “Ms. April, we usually go to dinner on Fridays as a couple. We would like to continue this tradition. However, we would like to start going to brunch on Sundays as a family, and would love it if you joined us.”
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Don’t sacrifice your own needs. Whether it’s a weekly mani/pedi, morning run or workout session, or a blissful cup of coffee before the kids wake, be sure you are practicing regular self-care. Three generations of family members are a lot to care for. You may now be responsible for caring for your kids, your spouse, and your MIL. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so be sure to make time to care for you as well.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Developing a Relationship with a Mother-in-Law

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Share a hobby. Building a positive relationship with your mother-in-law is significant to the well-being of everyone in your household. Plus, maintaining a friendly, respectful nature with her is good role-modeling for your children.^{[9]
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Research source} One way to boost the connection between the two of you is to join in on one of her hobbies or invite her to participate in yours.
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Ask for her opinion sometimes. Even if you find your mother-in-law particularly difficult, she is still your spouse’s mother and, therefore, deserves your consideration and respect.^{[10]
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Research source} Instead of shutting her out of the big decisions, consult with her. Doing so may make her feel like a valued member of the family. Likely, asking her opinion may present you in a more favorable light as well.
- Keep in mind, asking her opinion does not translate to taking her advice. Grandparents truly want to be helpful. So, even if you choose to go a different route, it still counts that you asked and listened to her opinion on the matter.^{[11]
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- Here’s one way to ask her opinion: “So, we were thinking about visiting Cole in college soon. We would like all of us to go together as a surprise. Do you think it would be best to go the first or last weekend in the month?”
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Include her in family activities. Multi-generational families are becoming more and more common these days.^{[12]
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Research source} Even if you are not so happy about having to live under the same roof as your mother-in-law, do your part to make her feel like a part of the larger family. This means that merely sharing meals or holding casual conversations is not enough. Include her in different outings to help her feel like a true part of things.
- Although you might have a tense relationship, she is still family. Plus, your children probably love to spend time with her. Invite her out for a special dinner to celebrate the kids’ good grades. Ask if she wants to join in on this year’s summer vacation. These small acts of kindness may go a long way towards improving your relationship.
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Give her a role, if she wants it. With aging parents, the last thing you want to do is make them feel useless or like a burden.^{[13]
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Research source} If your MIL has moved in with you, she may desire a way to contribute in the household. Depending on your mother-in-law’s abilities, offer her some level of autonomy within the household so that she does not feel like wasted space.
- For example, if your spouse’s mom can safely and effectively babysit the children, it may be viewed as an insult when you hire a babysitter. If she is still able to operate a vehicle, you might assign her to after-school pickup duty.
- Ask her “Hey, Mom, is there some way you would like to pitch in with the kids or in the house? If you would like to help out, we appreciate it.”

Warnings

Getting along with your live-in mother-in-law does not mean being a doormat. When it comes to issues that are important to you, such as discipline, stand your ground. Always remember these are your children and you have the final say.

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