How to Tolerate a Coworker You Cannot Stand

Last Updated: May 6, 2021 References

Your workplace is full of people of every personality you can imagine (and some you can’t). Chances are that at least one of your coworkers will be someone you can’t stand and can’t get along with. Unfortunately, you can't pick who your coworkers are, so instead you have to learn how to deal with them. There are several methods you can use to make your life at work easier.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Tolerating Your Coworkers

1
Alter your reaction. When someone is annoying you it can be easy to respond emotionally, without thinking. Getting emotional about a coworker’s behaviour isn’t going to help the situation get any better. In fact, there’s a good chance that an emotional reaction will make the situation worse. The only person you have control over is you, so learn to control your reactions.^{[1]
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- When your coworker does something annoying, give yourself a moment to look at how you react. How do you feel? What’s going through your mind? What do you do, if anything? What specific event triggered this reaction?
- Once you’ve had a chance to think about how YOU respond to your coworker, think about whether that reaction is worth it. You likely have to spend a lot of energy to get upset — is your coworker worth that added stress? Not likely.
- Develop a system for altering your reactions to your coworker. Maybe you need to take a minute and breathe deeply, or count to 10. Maybe you just need to close your eyes and visualize your ‘happy place.’
- The next time your coworker does something annoying, use the system you developed. Over time your system will become easier to use, and will soon become your instinctual reaction.
2
Avoid your coworker. Sometimes you have to work near someone who annoys you, but you don’t have to work with that person. Maybe they sit at a desk near you, but they aren’t in the same department. Or maybe you pass them by now and again in the hallway, but you never see them otherwise. Instead of expending the energy and effort to tolerate or deal with this coworker, avoid them.^{[2]
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3
Get to the point. Some annoying people become more annoying the longer you have to interact with them. Keep your interactions with these people as short as possible. Don’t bother with nice conversation starters or questions about their weekend, just get to the point. Once the (short) interaction is complete, allow your coworker the chance to have the last word, then walk away. Don’t drag the interaction out longer than needed, and don’t allow your coworker to monopolize your time.^{[3]
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4
Keep things to yourself. Gossiping at work happens a lot. You’ve probably gossiped about someone else, and your coworkers have probably gossiped about you. Some gossip is harmless (e.g. why can’t they get that elevator to work property), but other gossip can be quite upsetting (e.g. Susan slept with the boss). Some of the most hurtful gossip is when someone speaks negatively about a coworker. You most likely never want to be the one your coworkers are gossiping about, so don’t gossip about them.^{[4]
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- ‘Ranting’ to someone about the problems and issues you’re having at work is important, as it relieves stress and makes you feel better. If you feel the need to talk about a coworker’s behaviour, talk to someone who doesn’t work with you.
5
Consider why your coworker annoys you. No one wants to think THEY may be the problem, and not someone else, but it is a possibility. Is it possible that your coworkers annoy you for reasons that are beyond their control? For example, are you jealous that they have a better job, get paid more, or get to sit near the window? Is it possible you’re interpreting your unhappiness about a specific situation as dislike or annoyance?^{[5]
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6
Put up with your coworker. Tolerating means you realize your coworker does something annoying, but you’re not going to care. Not caring means you ignore your coworker’s behaviour, or it means you don’t allow yourself to react to the behaviour anymore. Instead, you accept the behaviour for what it is and move on.^{[6]
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- This type of response is easier said than done because you really do have to move on and let go. You can’t push your frustration about the behaviour to the back of your mind and try to pretend it doesn’t exist. Doing this will only make you feel worse in the long run.
7
Change the subject. There is no requirement that you have to talk about your personal life when you’re at work. Yet you probably have one or more coworkers who like to pry anyway. These coworkers may also be the type who want to provide you with advice and suggestions on everything from your hair, to how to parent your children, to where you should go on vacation. The best approach with this type of coworker is to simply change the subject.^{[7]
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8
Learn to say no. Some coworkers will ask if you need help with a task because they’re genuinely nice people and want to be helpful. Other coworkers may ask if you need help with a task because it’ll make them look good, or you’ll owe them a favour at some point in the future. They’re not asking because they’re being nice, they’re asking because they have a plan. In situations like this you need to learn to just say no. In the long run, the type of help these coworkers are offering is no the kind of help you need.^{[8]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Dealing with Your Coworkers

1
Confront your coworker. If your coworker is constantly putting you down or trying to humiliate you, chances are untrue statements and wild excuses are being used. Instead of ignoring your coworker, confront your coworker. Force your coworker to explain the reasoning behind the statements being made. Your coworker is most likely unable to explain the reasons as there is no logic or truth behind those statements. Your coworker will soon realize picking on you isn’t worth the effort.^{[9]
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2
Play to your coworker’s ego. Some of your coworkers will be smarter than you, and they know it. Unfortunately they may also take every opportunity to make sure you realize it too. Coworkers like this are unlikely to agree with ideas you come up with, because the idea didn’t originate with them. Instead of expressing an idea you know won’t be agreed to, explain the idea in the form of one or more questions. Ask how your coworker would approach the problem. Let your coworker explain an idea that would solve the problem. Low and behold, your coworker will present an idea that actually came from you without even knowing it.^{[10]
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3
Identify your coworker’s lack of knowledge. You most likely have coworkers who are not smarter than you, but who think they are smarter than you. These coworkers normally have nothing useful to contribute and reduce overall productivity with bad decisions. When you need to work with someone like this, behave nicely enough that your coworker thinks you’re cooperative, but then ask questions that highlight the holes in your coworker’s logic.^{[11]
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- The key is to do this subtly so it doesn’t appear as though you are vengeful or mean. The purpose here is not to humiliate your coworker, but rather to help you coworker understand you see through the deception.
4
Allow your coworker to cool down. Coworkers with tempers who scream and shout are impossible to deal with when angry, so it is better not to try. Instead, walk away. On the one hand you do not deserve to be treated that way, and on the other hand nothing useful is going to result from any remaining interaction. Approach your coworker again after a cooling off period and complete the interaction.^{[12]
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- Keep in mind, especially if this type of reaction is unusual for your coworker, that there may be a personal problem causing this behaviour. Providing your coworker with the opportunity to cool off also helps your coworker save face by not saying something that may be regretted later.
5
Set expectations. Some coworkers try very hard to please everyone by saying ‘yes’ to everything. These coworkers don’t understand the limits of their abilities (or they understand their limits and are afraid to admit them). They may also come across as extremely nice and helpful, but if you think about it you will soon realize they never actually accomplished anything. These coworkers need constant approval and are get upset when someone doesn’t like them. They need a comfortable and open work environment in order to open up and be honest.^{[13]
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- When trying to get a commitment from a coworker like this, be explicit. Work together to develop a detailed plan which is written down. Develop a specific timeline which is agreed upon. Follow-up with a confirmation email. And most importantly, outline the consequences of what may happen if the timeline is not met.
6
Help your coworker make a decision. Some annoying coworkers are annoying because they couldn’t make a decision to save their lives. They go back and forth between options endlessly until it’s too late. When dealing with coworkers like this, the best option is to gently push them towards a specific option and reaffirm that they’re decision is a good one. These coworkers likely can’t make a decision because they lack confidence, so give them that confidence.^{[14]
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- You can lead a coworker like this towards a specific outcome in one of two ways:
  - You can explain all possible options (including all pros and cons) and wait to see which option appeals most to your coworker. Once you know which option is preferred, use your influence to build your coworkers confidence towards that specific option.
  - You can explain all possible options (including all pros and cons) but include an opinion as to which option you believe is the best. You can then provide additional evidence as to why you believe that option is the best and help influence you coworker to select that option.
7
Identify the positive. Negative coworkers can be very depressing to work with, and can bring a whole team or department down with them. No amount of logic or rationalization is going to make these coworkers see the positive in any situation. Instead of arguing with these coworkers, agree with them. When they point out some negative aspects, point out some additional negative aspects. Eventually you’ll have pointed out so many negatives that the only other options available are positives. Consider this the reverse psychology method.^{[15]
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EXPERT TIP

Alyson Garrido, PCC
Career Coach
Alyson Garrido is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC), Facilitator, and Speaker. Using a strengths-based approach, she supports her clients with job search and career advancement. Alyson provides coaching for career direction, interview preparation, salary negotiation, and performance reviews as well as customized communication and leadership strategies. She is a Founding Partner of the Systemic Coach Academy of New Zealand.

Alyson Garrido, PCC
Career Coach

Our Expert Agrees: If you have to deal with a coworker you dislike, try to learn to see the value in their perspective. If you only work with people who think the same way as you, then you might miss important insights.
8
Ask open-ended questions. Certain coworkers seem as of they have no emotions, and their body language is so silent you have no idea what they’re thinking. Sometimes coworkers in this category also tend to say very little when asked a question or opinion, which can be a problem if you need that answer or decision in order to do your work. Approach these types of coworkers with only open-ended questions. Do not ask them any questions that will only require a yes or no answer.^{[16]
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