How to Tell Someone You Are Not Ready to Have Sex

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: December 3, 2022 References Approved

Maybe you've been dating someone for a while, or maybe you just started dating that person. Regardless, your partner wants to have sex, but you don’t want to go that far at this point. You also don't want to upset your partner or make them feel rejected. There are some ways that you can tell them you're not ready, and knowing a few facts beforehand will make it easier.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Owning Your Decision to Wait

1
Choose when to have sex based on what you want. You need to first realize that the decision to have sex is personal. You have every right to choose when, where, how, and with whom that takes place.^{[1]
X
Research source} If you decide to have sex, determine and analyze your reasons. Make sure they don't include pleasing others while disregarding your own comfort with the decision.
- Respect your needs and insist that others respect your needs too.
- Having sex is a decision that you and your partner should make together.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}
2
Don’t let peer pressure influence your decision. No matter what your social group or media messages say, if you want to wait before having sex, trust those feelings. Knowing yourself gives you self-confidence and the ability to stand your ground against peer pressure. Although your peers will tell you that everyone is having sex, don't believe them. Your body belongs to you, not your peers, so the decision to have sex belongs to you, not your peers.
- Some tips for countering peer pressure include spending time with friends who are like-minded when it comes to sex and always having a backup plan should you find yourself in a situation where you feel pressured.
3
Recognize that “ready” is about each and every time you consider having sex. “Ready” isn’t just about the first time you have sex in your life, and it isn’t just about the first time with a particular person. It is always an active choice, and it's always your choice. Never forget that you can change your mind at any time. ^{[3]
X
Research source}
4
Take your time in choosing when to have sex. Make sure you're ready. Be patient, and don’t put pressure on yourself. Having sex is a big decision, and rushing it without thinking it through or to only please someone else can cause regret afterward. Trust that having sex will happen in its own time.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Preparing for the Conversation

1
Identify the reasons why you don’t want to have sex yet. Write down your reasons on a piece of paper and rehearse them ahead of time in front of a mirror, to your friends, or to yourself. Then when your partner asks, you'll have a ready answer. The following are some reasons you may want to include:
- Preventing pregnancy.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- Possessing religious reasons.^{[5]
  X
  Research source}
- Going against personal beliefs.^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
- Ensuring legality.^{[7]
  X
  Research source}
- Preventing a STI (sexually transmitted infection).^{[8]
  X
  Research source}
- Needing more emotional connection.
- Wanting a committed relationship.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}
- Making sure each person is monogamous.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
- Knowing that all partners are STI-free.^{[11]
  X
  Research source}
- Needing to build safety and trust.^{[12]
  X
  Research source}
- Feeling that it’s not the right time for you.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
- Not wanting to have sex with someone.^{[14]
  X
  Research source}
2
Practice in advance some responses to what your partner may say to pressure you into having sex. If your partner brings up a reason why you should have sex, have a response waiting for them. Your partner can sound convincing, so remember your reasons. Keep in mind that their reasons are a form of manipulation and need to be handled as such.
- If your partner says, "If you loved me, you would." A good response to this would be "If you loved me, you wouldn't want me to do something I'm not ready to do."
- If your partner says, "Everyone else is doing it," you can say, "I'm part of everybody, and I'm not having sex."
- Learn the common lines people use to try to get sex.^{[15]
  X
  Research source} Be prepared with statements you can make to counter them.^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
3
Realize that merely not wanting to have sex is a good enough reason. Period. You have the final and only vote as to when you will have sex. Don't get defensive with your decision. You don’t need a good reason not to want to have sex just like you don’t need a good reason not to eat ice cream.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Letting Your Partner Know You’re Not Ready

1
Explain that you don’t want to have sex, why, and what your boundaries are. That way your partner can clearly understand your boundaries and why you’re making your choice. If you're getting physically intimate and feel things are going too far, you may want to say, "Things are going too fast. Let's slow down. I'm not ready for this."
- If you're together but not physically intimate, you can say, "I really like being with you. See, we don't need to have sex for our time together to be special. I'm not ready for sex, and I like things just the way they are."
- If you're talking on the phone, you could say, "I don't want to have sex now. I'm not ready. I don't need to have sex with you to show you that I care for you. Sex doesn't necessarily mean no to other kinds of intimacy. There are other ways to show you I care."^{[17]
  X
  Research source}
2
Communicate your feelings and desires with your partner. That way, they're not left guessing why you don’t want to have sex. Practicing good communication fosters intimacy and emotional safety.^{[18]
X
Research source} Be open and honest with your partner unless doing so would put you in danger. If you don't feel comfortable enough talking with them about sex, then that's a clear sign that you shouldn't be engaging in it.
- Tell them what you do want as well as what you don't want. This helps them know the ways you want to be close to them.
- You have several reasons as to why you don't want to have sex, such as fear of pregnancy or not wanting to betray your moral and/or religious beliefs. But you will have to communicate your reasons properly rather than simply saying, "I'm not ready".
3
Evaluate their responses to understand more about your relationship. Listen to what your partner says because you'll understand them more, their feelings, and their motives. You may want to wait until after your conversation to think about what your partner says and does. You'll then have more time to process your own feelings about it.
4
Define what kind of responses you are willing to accept from your partner. Someone who really respects you will also respect your boundaries about sex and as well as other preferences. However, if their responses are unacceptable, then consider rethinking the relationship and possibly leaving them. Sex is powerful, but it doesn't always bring emotional intimacy. The foundation of emotional intimacy is trust, respect, and good communication. ^{[19]
X
Research source}
- If a person responds positively and respectfully to you saying what you want and don't want to do, then that’s a good sign. You're on the road to having a healthy relationship with that person.
- On the other hand, if your partner is disrespectful, tries to manipulate you, or keeps pressuring you to have sex, then this is a sign that they're more interested in getting their own needs met than they are about engaging in a balanced, healthy relationship.
- It's important to learn more about what to look for in a partner.^{[20]
  X
  Research source}
- It's also just as important to know what healthy relationships look like.^{[21]
  X
  Research source}
5
Leave the situation if you feel unsafe. Don’t let yourself be cornered, bullied, or manipulated. If you sense the person might violate your boundaries or harm you in any way, leave the situation and go to a safe place immediately. Trust your instinct. If you feel unsafe with your partner, then some tips are:
- Only meet them in public.
- Make sure you're not being followed.
- Ask trusted friends or family to help.
- Have a safety plan.^{[22]
  X
  Research source}

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Staying Safe and Happy in Relationships

1
Clarify what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. A healthy relationship respects each other's boundaries. Your partner will listen to you without criticism, and they will support you. On the other hand, pressure to have sex can be one sign of an abusive relationship. Your partner may tell you what to do without consideration to your feelings. Read about the warning signs of abuse so that you can determine whether you're in an unsafe or abusive situation.^{[23]
X
Research source}
2
Practice setting healthy boundaries of all kinds, not just sexual ones. Closeness comes from respect, and respect comes from honoring each other's boundaries whether or not we agree with them. Keep in mind that you always get to choose what you share with your partner. Only stay in relationships where your boundaries are respected, and make sure you’re in a relationship that always practices consent^{[24]
X
Research source}
- There are many people out there who will also respect your needs and boundaries and with whom you can find intimacy. Those are the relationships worth having.^{[25]
  X
  Research source}
3
Break up safely. If you’re worried that your partner might become angry, violent, or abusive, then you may want to consider breaking up over the phone or via email or a text. This may seem unfeeling, but it may be the only way in a potentially abusive situation. Your priority should be your safety. If you have to talk to them face to face, then make sure you're in a public place.^{[26]
X
Research source}
4
Enjoy taking your time and waiting until you feel ready to have sex. There are lots of ways to be close to someone, and sex is only one of them. Sex can wait and be engaged in only when it's the right time for you. Celebrate your choice to wait, and enjoy those activities you do choose, knowing that it’s always your decision when to have sex.

Warnings

No means no. If the other person doesn’t understand that, then get away from them.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 38 Not Helpful 0
Trust your gut. If you feel afraid or uncomfortable with someone, get away from him or her and find ways to keep yourself safe.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 94 Not Helpful 8
Understand that it's rape when someone forces you to have sex whether you’re in a committed relationship or out on a first date. If you have been raped, immediately go to your local emergency room for care. You can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE for help and to get connected to sexual assault support services in your area.^{[27]
X
Trustworthy Source
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
Largest anti-sexual assault organization in the US providing support and advocacy for survivors
Go to source}

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 2 Not Helpful 1