It can be tough to tell someone you like that you don’t want to have sex. Whether you’re waiting until marriage, feel like you aren’t ready yet, or you’re simply not in the mood, turning down sex should feel easy and comfortable with the right partner. Here are a few ways you can say no to sex without feeling guilty or pressured to give in.

1

Just say “no.”

  1. No is a full sentence, and you never have to explain yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable having sex, simply tell your partner, significant other, or spouse no. Feel free to follow up with an explanation if you want to, but you don’t have to.[1]
    • The best way to say “no” is to look into your partner’s eyes and say it clearly and firmly. Be confident when you say it so they know you won’t be swayed.
    • For example, if your partner starts to go a little further than you’re comfortable with, you can pull back and say “please stop” or “no.”
    • Or, if your significant other asks if you want to head to the bedroom, just say, “not right now.”
2

Explain why you’re waiting to have sex.

  1. If you aren’t ready to have sex, tell your partner why. While they should always respect your decision, they might find it easier to understand if you let them in on your reasoning. You can tell your partner this at the beginning of a new relationship so they know where you’re coming from.[2]
    • For example, “I’m actually waiting until marriage to have sex. It’s important to me and to my faith.”
    • Or, “I’m just not ready to have sex yet. I feel like I’m still a little too young.”
    • Or, “I’d like to be in a committed relationship before we have sex. We don’t have to be married, but I’d love it if we were at least monogamous.”
4

Tell them why you aren’t in the mood.

  1. This can help avoid any hurt feelings with your partner. If your stomach hurts, if you’re stressed, or if you simply had a bad day, you might not be feeling your absolute best. Tell your partner why you don’t want to have sex tonight for reassurance that it’s you, not them.[4]
    • Try something like, “Hey, I’m having super bad cramps and I just don’t really feel good. Maybe we can have sex tomorrow.”
    • Or, “I’d really like to just chill and watch a movie tonight. It’s nothing to do with you, I just had a bad day at work.”

Expert Q&A

  • Question
    I used to be very sexual with my partner because I felt I had to, though recently I've decided I don't want to do that anymore. How can I transition the relationship from a sexual to a nonsexual one?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    This can often be difficult and challenging. Try to begin by discussing it outside the bedroom. Explain your feelings, and then ask your partner how they feel. Once you feel you have the right to say "no" you might find that you notice your own sexual arousal more. Feeling you have to say "yes" gets in the way of your arousal pattern.
  • Question
    What if I don't have sex anytime in my life?
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
    Klare Heston, LCSW
    Licensed Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    That is up to you! How much or how little sex you have or want is an individual decision. Just examine your thoughts and feelings on the subject and make sure you understand them. If you want sex, but avoid it, you might consider discussing this with a therapist.

About This Article

Klare Heston, LCSW
Co-authored by:
Licensed Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 457,122 times.
10 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 105
Updated: January 26, 2023
Views: 457,122
Categories: Sexual Activity
Article SummaryX

It’s completely fine to say no to sex at any time, and you can communicate this gently to your partner. If your partner suggests sex or you’re kissing and you feel like things are getting too heated, just let them know how you feel. Say something like, “I love being intimate with you, but I’m not in the mood right now.” If you feel like you’re not at that stage in your relationship yet, or you want to wait, say, “I really like you, but I’m just not ready for sex just yet. I hope you understand.” Giving a reason can sometimes help to show your partner that it’s not about them. However, you shouldn’t ever need a reason. No one should pressure you into sex or make you feel guilty for not wanting it. For more tips, including how to explore your sexuality without intercourse, read on!

Did this summary help you?