How to Have Phone Sex

Co-authored by Nicole Moore

Last Updated: March 26, 2023 Approved

Phone sex is a great way to spice up your sex life, whether you're doing it because your partner is far away, because you're not ready to have other kinds of sex yet, because you just want to try something new, or for any other reason! To have great phone sex, you need to let loose, stop being self-conscious, and be ready to get turned on, no matter how silly you may feel at first.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Preparing

1
Set up a phone date. While it's true that, as with any other kind of sex, phone sex can "just happen", the session is more likely to go well if you've planned ahead, especially if it's your first time doing it together.
- Pick a time when you're both alone and free to let your inhibitions loose. Your plan won’t work if you're rolling around in bed, feeling hot and heavy, while your partner is shivering in the rain outside the library.
- If your partner is new to phone sex or feeling unsure, consider sending them this article, or reading it together.
- Don't forget that you can always discuss what you'd like to do during phone sex before you start.
2
Let loose and get in the mood. It will be difficult for you to enjoy yourself if you feel tense or silly, so before you call, do whatever you need to do to get yourself comfortable and feeling sexy.
- Let loose: Lie in bed for a while, browse the internet, have a glass of wine, jog on the spot, do a silly song and dance in front of the mirror -- anything that will allow you to release the tension from your body.
- Get in the mood: Setting up a sexy atmosphere can help put you in the right frame of mind, so consider doing whatever you'd do to prepare for any other kind of sex. Here are some ideas:
  - Tidy up your room and make the bed
  - Dim the lights, perhaps set up some candles
  - Play soft music
  - Have a bath or shower (and a shave, if you like)
  - Think of a role play to spice up the call (you two skinny dipping, etc.)^{[1]
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    Expert Source
    
    Nicole Moore
    Love & Relationship Coach
    Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
  - Put on (or take off!) your favorite, sexiest clothes, and underwear
  - Set out some sex toys
  - Turn yourself on by gently caressing your body, or thinking about your lover, or imagining sexual encounters you've had or would like to have... but don't let yourself get too turned on just yet -- that's what the phone call is for!

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Having Phone Sex

1
Begin the call. Once you have your partner on the phone, take things at a speed you're both comfortable with. There's no "correct" way to have phone sex.
- If it helps you relax, spend a few minutes chatting before you get started... just don't let yourselves get distracted from your sexy goal.
- A low, soft tone of voice or heavy breathing can help set the mood, but don't force it if doing so is unnatural for you: speaking and breathing comfortably in your normal tone of voice will be sexier than an awkwardly forced attempt at sounding sexy.
2
Introduce a casual topic that will segue nicely into sexy talk. Getting started is possibly the hardest part, especially if it's your first time! Pick a topic that's easy for you to bring up, but which has the potential to spiral into steamier territory. Examples:
- How much you miss them, or wish they were with you
- What you would like to do if they were with you
- What you're wearing and how you look in it
- What you're doing
- How you're feeling
- Ask your partner to describe any of the above to you
3
Escalate into sexy talk. Once you have the ball rolling and you're feeling comfortable, try getting bolder with your descriptions, or bring up new, sexier topics. A good approach is to describe or ask your partner to describe, the following three things:
- What you're doing: Describe how you look and the way you're touching yourself. Be as coy or as raunchy as you like!
  - Ask for "advice" -- for example, "should I start playing with my underwear?"
  - Tell them what you'd like them to do if they're willing.
  - Don't feel bad if you're not comfortable with touching yourself -- you can still let them know that you're enjoying simply listening to them.
- What you're imagining: This could be, for example, what you'd like to be doing with your partner, a moment from great sex the two of you have had in the past, or a mental image of what they're describing to you.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Nicole Moore
  Love & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
  - You might want to start out slow: begin with tame descriptions like "first, I'd stroke your hair" or "I really like the way your chest looks in a T-shirt", before moving on to steamier things like "then I'd kiss your neck" or "remember when you did that thing to me in the shower?"
  - As always, how explicit you get, and how quickly, is entirely up to you.
- How you're feeling: Describe the physical and emotional feelings you're experiencing as a result of what you're doing and/or what they're saying.
  - Moaning is a great way to communicate how good you're feeling. However, there's no need to do this if you're not comfortable with it. You can start with just letting your breath go at first, to help bring out little moans into louder moans.
  - Let them know when they've described or done something you really enjoyed. Likewise, don't be afraid to tell them when you don't enjoy something -- it'll allow the two of you to move on to something else that you'll both find enjoyable.
- Tell me about your sexual fantasies: Describing your sexual fantasies allows you to paint a picture of their fantasies.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Nicole Moore
  Love & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
  - Let your partner speak out loud about their fantasies and you can do the same.^{[4]
    X
    Expert Source
    
    Nicole Moore
    Love & Relationship Coach
    Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
4
Masturbate and orgasm (optional). Mutual masturbation and orgasm are excellent additions to phone sex, but they're not a requirement by any means.
- Don't feel bad if your partner doesn't join you in masturbating. If you don't want to masturbate alone, ask them before you start if they'd be interested in joining you. Likewise, don't get anxious if they start masturbating and you don't want to -- you're not obligated to join them. Just enjoy listening to them pleasure themselves.
- Don't worry if one or both of you fail to reach orgasm. Think of it as the icing on the cake, rather than the goal of the exercise.
- If you reach orgasm before your partner is ready to stop, don't go quiet! Continue talking to them, describing what you're feeling and imagining.
5
Finish having phone sex. The point at which you decide to stop is up to you. There's no need to wait for orgasm -- or, indeed, to stop just because you've both come.
- There's no rule as to how quickly you should end the call after finishing. Some people prefer ending the call as soon as their breathing has gone back to normal, whereas others prefer to stay on the line and chat.
- Let your partner know how much you enjoyed yourself before you end the call.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I arouse a girl over the phone?

Nicole Moore
Love & Relationship Coach
Nicole Moore is a Love and Relationship Coach and the Founder and CEO of Love Works Method, a private coaching and digital course service for women looking to find the right partner. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in body language and helping others take control of their dating life, attract a partner, and build a strong relationship. Nicole has been featured in numerous publications such as Cosmopolitan, Forbes, and USA Today. She also hosts Love Works with Nicole Moore, a podcast for modern women wanting love, dating, and relationship advice. Nicole holds a BA in Public Relations and Spanish from Syracuse University and a Certificate in Personal Coaching from New York University.

Nicole Moore

Love & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Don't be afraid to use your imagination! Dial up the fun by asking something like: "If nothing was off-limits and it would be great no matter what, what would you want to do with me sexually that we haven't before?"
Question

Is there any harm in having phone sex every day?

Community Answer

Not really, no. Since it's over the phone, there is obviously no chance of pregnancy or STDs. Just make sure you (and your partner) are not feeling pressured to do anything you/they don't want to do.
Question

Why would couples do this in the first place? Why can't they just do this in real life?

Community Answer

Maybe if the husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend is away somewhere and the person they are dating wants to do it with them but can't. In this case, phone sex might might feel like they are being intimate from afar. There are many potential reasons why though, it's personal and between the consenting partners.