How to Stop Feeling Self Conscious

Last Updated: April 1, 2021 References Approved

Have you ever stopped to wonder exactly why you feel self-conscious? For some people, it's worries about certain features of their appearance; for others, it's about status, smarts, or funds. If you feel judged by other people, it's important to realize that it does no good to allow others to define you. On a deeper level, one of the biggest reasons for feeling self-conscious is deep introspection and uncertainty in one’s own abilities to interact or perform.^{[1]
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Research source} Learn to disarm your inner critic and find constructive ways to decrease feelings of self-consciousness. It's time to start living again!

Part 1

Part 1 of 5:

Pinpointing Your Self-Conscious Triggers

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Identify what you're self-conscious about. A certain aspect of your appearance? The twitch in your eye? Your accent? Your disability (mental or physical)? Your intellectual abilities? Make a list of your triggers. ^{[2]
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Research source} Leave an empty column next to the list, so that after identifying your triggers, you can write actions you can take to minimize your self-conscious feelings in relation to each item.
- For instance, so people may feel so concerned about being the right partner for somebody that they become solely other focused rather than focusing on themselves.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jennifer Butler, MSW
  Love & Empowerment Coach
  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}
2
Challenge negative thoughts. Self-consciousness often stems from our worry that others will confirm our negative self-talk or fixate on those things about which we feel insecure. If your negative thoughts tell you you're overweight, and you believe them, then you're going to feel deeply hurt and self-conscious if someone says you should drop a couple pounds. This is because your negative thoughts have convinced you that you are overweight and that being overweight is bad.
- When those negative thoughts come, don't fight them, but don't accept them, either. Instead, act as thought the thought has proposed something utterly ridiculous, such as "You are a flying unicorn," something you don't believe to be true, nor do you believe to be a bad thing. Do a "mental shrug," saying, "Yeah, whatever, brain."
- Remember that your inner critic, the part of you voicing these negative thoughts, is neither a reliable nor reasonable voice. It is not the voice of reality, as many self-conscious people believe.^{[4]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 5:

Checking Your Reality

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Realize that people aren't paying as much attention to you as you think. People are usually too busy thinking about themselves to start honing in on your little quirks and differences. If you are self-conscious about the size of your nose, you can convince yourself that everyone you meet is staring at it. While you may believe everyone is focused on this one feature, it's extremely unlikely they noticed or are thinking about it at all.
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Examine criticism from others. Whenever you think that someone is "better than you,” pull that self-criticism up and examine it. It is highly likely that you're overrating an aspect of that person and downgrading something not-so-perfect about her or him.
3
Know that confidence can be learned. Just like most skills, self-confidence and self-acceptance are things that can be learned and cultivated with time and practice.^{[5]
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Research source} The phrase "fake it 'til you make it" is often applied to achieving self-confidence – act as if you believe you are a person deserving of compassion, respect, and to be loved with all of your flaws – and eventually you will believe it.^{[6]
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- Love yourself fiercely, and this can allow you to access the truth of who you are so that you can start meeting your own needs.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jennifer Butler, MSW
  Love & Empowerment Coach
  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}
- Practice the concepts outlined in this article to begin building your confidence and decreasing your self-consciousness.

Part 3

Part 3 of 5:

Managing Your Reactions

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Consider whether you'd judge others so harshly. No one is perfect, and you've never noticed their little quirks before, so why would they pay so much attention to yours? If you wouldn't think or say such things about a best friend, why do you think or say them about yourself? Try to be a good friend to yourself, too. Some ways to be your own best friend include the following:
- Even if you don't feel it at first, at least act like there's no need to worry. In time, it'll also feel that way too.
- Your greatest strength lies in between stimuli and your response to it, so try to take control.
- Always picture yourself like you know you look and feel good in front of others, but don't think about it too much because it will already be embedded.
- Catch yourself putting yourself down or comparing yourself to others.^{[8]
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  Research source} Don't scold yourself; simply notice it and tell yourself it's time to stop and find more constructive ways of thinking about yourself instead.
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Challenge yourself. It is an effective way to push yourself. When you feel that doing something will make you feel confident and excited, but can't do it because of anxiety or self-consciousness, then at the same time, challenge yourself.
- For example, say to yourself "I dare you to put yourself in an awkward situation." Another example would be, "Go to that girl/guy and talk to him/her, even if it doesn't make any sense." Remember, don't curse or beat yourself even if you fail the challenge, in fact give yourself a reward for even trying.
3
Make fun of yourself. Yep, that's right––not in a self-deprecating sort of way, but in a humble and witty way to acknowledge that you're not perfect and you don't care. After you drop a jar of peanut butter in front of someone you fancy and watch in horror as it shatters into pieces and splatters peanut butter chunks on the floor, burst out laughing at your inherent clumsiness, cracking a joke that you should be required to wear double-sided tape on your hands––and then apologize and help clean it up.
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Just let it be, then let it go. Don't care about the triggers for self-consciousness too much. If you feel self-consciousness arising within you, tell yourself that it will be okay. Note the feelings as if you're observing them rather than experiencing them and let them wash over and through you without staying. Be like the famous people, leaders or friends you admire; those people who make a mistake but get up again and keep on going without carrying the burden of others' expectations or criticisms with them.
- A word about criticism: Learn to discern between the useful, constructive things that caring people say and the hateful, destructive things that uncaring, jealous or simply spiteful people say. Learn from the former and let the latter simply drop; you don't need haters in your life, so don't take their meanness on board.
- Practice comebacks against criticism. For mean-spirited criticism, keep some stock-standard responses in your head for maneuvering out of the situation without letting yourself down or causing the other person pain. That way, you won't be put on the spot or left gasping for a witticism that won't come during your shock at their audacity. Think as kindly as you can and say something simple like:
- "I am surprised you feel the need to say that. It's not okay with me to be spoken to that way."
- "I need you to know that's not okay with me to be criticized so harshly. I did my best and I do not accept your interpretation.

Part 4

Part 4 of 5:

Doing Some Beneficial Inner Work

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Build your self confidence. Make an effort to gain a deeper understanding of your self-worth. Replace your worries about what other people think about you with a preoccupation over your own goals, achievements, and progress.
- To this end, write up your goals and milestones. This will help motivate you to work toward them. ^{[9]
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- Tell people about your progress towards a goal. This helps to give you the motivation to keep going and it lets the people you care about continue supporting your efforts. Be circumspect––don't share things with people who can detract from your progress––it someone is not supportive, then don't put yourself in their way.
- Bear witness to your achievements. Celebrate when good things happen; go out to dinner, call a friend, go for a hike or buy yourself an online album. Recognize the good things with greater regularity than mulling over the misses.
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Be truthful. Don't exaggerate things and don't depress yourself with lies, stick with the genuine truth. For example, if one day you wear a weird dress and people look you with crazy gazes and you think 'Man everyone hates it' at the same time ask yourself "am I sure everyone hates it? is there not a single person who likes it?"
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Be yourself! Be genuine and then try to change if you truly want to. Take responsibility for your actions, mistakes and interests, basically all the good and bad things.
- For example, if you want to fix your anxiety problem, then you must "own it" and truly accept that you have an anxiety problem. Then you can try to fix it.
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Work on changing the inner you. You have to realize that you are part of the whole existence, just like everyone else. This is a fact of life and nobody can take it away from you. It is your birthright. Understand that no one is better or more important than you.
- That said, you do owe it to yourself and others to be your best self. Always work on bringing forth the best in you and share that with others. It helps you, and it helps your community, to be the best you.
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Accept that you are you, regardless of the external gaze. The feeling of "I am" is always constant. If you try to remember your childhood, and try to think about your "I", the "I" was always the same irrespective of age or situations. The "I" does not depend on anything. It doesn't grow big or small, only apparently you feel that it changes or that it depends on anything. So understand deeply that your existence does not depend on anything or anybody. Such thinking itself is a big boost to self-confidence.
- As Judy Garland once said: "Always be the first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of someone else". Try your best to live up to that.
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See the pattern of thoughts which come into your mind while you are sitting idle or working. If the thoughts are about what others are thinking about you, then beware. Don't allow the mind to harp on these thoughts. The same thoughts repeated create a channel, and then you are forced to go through that channel when the opportunity arises.
- Read some self-help books; ask your favorite teacher about this subject, do a Google search, go to your local library and eventually to a bookshop if you're that earnest.
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Redirect your attention. When you start to feel self-conscious, locate a target––it doesn't matter what it is, it may be the bug crawling across the floor––and concentrate on it. ^{[10]
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Research source}What color is it? How many legs? Anything that turns the attention away from yourself will do the trick; distraction will bring you back to the present and your surroundings.
- If you become self-conscious while speaking to people, then change your focus to listening to what the other person is saying. Focus on the words, not on how you look or what you will say next, and that will do the trick.

Part 5

Part 5 of 5:

Doing Some External Work

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Practice self-affirmations in the mirror. Tell yourself that you are positive, good at what you do and ready to make changes when needed. Repeat often for maximum effect.
- Some affirmations you can start with include: "I'm a good person and I deserve to be loved and respected," "I am more than my insecurities," "I am doing the best that I can, and that is all I can do."
2
Disengage from others' judgmental or unmindful criticism of you. The moment you let someone judge who you are, is the moment you have lost your happiness to someone else. Don't let other people tell you who you are. This is your life, not theirs. And while it is hard to stand up for what you believe in and to be your whole self, doing so is part of what defines your very best self.
- Surround yourself with people that make you happy. Being around negative people only drags you down. This may sound like a cliché, but think about how you feel when you're around positive people and how you feel when around negative people. It's two opposite extremes and you know how you'd rather be feeling.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you stop being self-conscious in a relationship?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

It's easy to spend so much time concerned about being the right partner for somebody that you don't spend time becoming the right partner. Focus on becoming the person you want to be and loving yourself fiercely. When you show up in a relationship as an empowered partner to yourself, then you can focus on how you're being rather than what they're thinking.

Warnings

Stop looking for the approval of others. If you live your whole life dependent on others for validation, you will never rid yourself of self consciousness.

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Don't always be on the defensive. Be willing to admit when you have done something wrong because it really isn't the end of the world. Everyone makes mistakes. Go ahead and apologize. Then move on.

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Sometimes people may try to bully you if they sense you are vulnerable in some way (that's how a bully operates–-find a weakness and burrow in). In such a case, walk away or simply refuse to engage. Never waste time trying to impress them or defending their projection of their own insecurities and anger onto you.

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You are your worst critic. Be aware that no one else is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself.

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