How to Deal With an Insecure Person

Co-authored by Lisa Shield and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: July 20, 2022 References Approved

If you're worn out from interacting with an insecure person, you may just need to change your strategy. People can feel insecure for a number of reasons—a partner might be jealous, a co-worker might have low self-esteem, or a relative might struggle with relationships. Whatever the reason, treating them with kindness and respect can go a long way! For practical suggestions, check out our tips below.

1

Establish boundaries.

Make clear rules about what is acceptable communication. People who struggle with insecurity may need constant reassurance and support, which you can't always provide. Give them clear boundaries so you don't feel overwhelmed or frustrated by their constant interaction or behavior.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}
- For example, if you're in a relationship with someone who's insecure, they may want to know what you're doing and where you are at any moment. Decide together how you'll communicate—you might call them once a day, but you might tell them that you're not texting them updates about where you are.
- If you're interacting with an insecure friend, relative, or colleague who needs your constant attention, be clear with communication. For instance, say, "I want to be available for you, but I also have some work to do. Why don't we talk after class or at lunch?"

2

Show them that you're listening.

Acknowledge the person's feelings and give them the chance to talk. If a friend, relative, or colleague feels insecure, they might have a hard time interacting with others or they might seem anxious or rude. Instead of cutting them off when they're talking, give them lots of space in the conversation so they can speak as they feel comfortable. Look them in the eye and listen thoughtfully to what they're saying.^{[2]
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- You can make them feel heard by reiterating what they've said. For example, you might tell a co-worker, "You don't like it when the group leader doesn't ask for your input. It sounds like you have ideas you want to share, but that it's hard to give them."
- Pay attention to your body language, too! Turn your body to the person and don't look away or check your phone while they're talking. Give them your full attention. If you're listening to a close friend or relative, you might put a hand on their shoulder or their hand so they feel like you're giving them your full attention.

3

Offer your support.

Try to encourage them to help build their confidence. Some insecure people might feel better just knowing that someone cares about them. If they're insecure about something in particular, you can tailor your support to give specific help. For instance, if a friend or co-worker feels insecure speaking in front of a group, say, "I don't want to put you on the spot, but would it help if you practiced in front of me and some of our friends?"^{[3]
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- If you have a relative or friend who doesn't like trying new things, offer to try them together so they don't feel so alone. If the person doesn't want your help or advice, give them some space. They may ask for your help later if they feel more comfortable.
- Sometimes, insecure people feel underappreciated or unloved. By showing an interest in them, you may help them feel better.
- Say things like, "Just know that I'm here for you and care about you."

4

Ask for their help.

Play to the person's strengths so they're proud of what they can do. Point out something that the person's really good at and ask them to help you improve. For instance, if you have a shy co-worker that hates speaking up but they're great at writing, ask them to look over some of your work the next time you need editing. If you have a friend who's great at gardening or home repair, for instance, ask them for tips.^{[4]
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- Asking for help shows the person everyone's working on something and no one is perfect. It also reminds them there are things they're really good at and that you value them.
- Let them know that you notice the little things that they do well. For example, say, "Thanks for helping me understand that math problem" or "Thanks for giving me a ride," or "You are so organized with your calendar."

5

Redirect their negative outlook.

Help the person turn a negative mood into a positive one. Insecure people are often anxious about something, which can make them negative about things. Help them reframe their thoughts to see them in a positive light. For example, tell a close friend or family member, "It does sound like you've been in tough relationships before. That experience will help you in future ones. You've got so many great traits to offer!"^{[5]
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- If someone's insecure about how they look, pay them a genuine compliment. If you know a colleague struggles with working in a group, tell them you're glad they're working with you since they come up with good suggestions.
- If the insecure person is frequently down, encourage them to find activities they enjoy. They may thrive when they pick up a new hobby, volunteer, or join a group of people that have similar interests.

6

Protect yourself from hurtful interactions.

Stand up for yourself if the person starts lashing out at you. Some insecure people take out their frustrations on others and it's important to recognize this. If the person says something hurtful, listen for any truth in what they're saying, but defend yourself against untrue exaggerations or harmful comments. Then, try to understand what's causing their insecurity.^{[6]
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- For instance, if your boss says, "You're always making mistakes. You're not a very good employee," you might say, "It's true that I do mess up every once in a while, but I'm not a bad employee. Are you frustrated about something?"

7

Give yourself breaks from the person.

Let yourself recharge emotionally and mentally. Insecure people can be emotionally draining, so spending time around them can feel exhausting, especially if they're depending on you to meet all of their needs. Don't let yourself become their caretaker and remember to make time for yourself.^{[7]
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- Don't stress about asking for some space or a bit of time. You may say something like, "We've been in communication a lot lately and I need some time to get things done in my own life. It doesn't mean that I don't care for you. I just need some 'me' time."

8

Bring up trust issues with a jealous partner.

Ask your partner why they're jealous or don't trust you. Oftentimes, jealousy is insecurity in disguise. Your partner might not trust that you want to be with them since they've been hurt or cheated on in the past, for instance. Maybe you've even been dishonest with them before. Have a thoughtful conversation with your partner where you ask why they feel this way. Explain that they don't need to worry about you and do things that prove your honesty and openness to your partner.^{[8]
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- For instance, you might say, "I feel like you don't trust me around our friends. There's no reason to think I'd do anything with them. You're the one I care about and you can trust me."

9

Ask why they feel insecure.

Take the time to listen to their response so they feel supported. If you know the person well, ask them to explain what's bothering them and let them talk uninterrupted. They might say they're anxious about work, school, or their self-image. Some people might say that insecure feelings come out of nowhere while others say that things can trigger their insecurity. The important thing is to listen and be open to what they're saying.^{[9]
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- Things that might seem trivial to you may be a big deal for them! For instance, worrying about what shoes you're wearing might not seem important, but they might feel insecure about how well they fit in with their stylish friends.
- Talking with someone you don't know well? Try starting a normal conversation and then point out something you've noticed about them. For example, say, "Hey, how's it going? I noticed that you didn't come to practice after school yesterday. Are you doing okay?" If they don't want to talk, say, "It looks like it's been a rough day. If you want to talk, I'm here."

10

Help the person get professional support.

Encourage them to talk with a counselor. Insecure people may feel like they have a limited support system or don't trust those around them. If you think they could benefit from talking to a professional, offer to put them in touch with a counselor. You may be able to find someone through your school, job, or local community. Remind the person that counselors are there to help and they don't pass judgment.^{[10]
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- Remember that you're not alone. If you're increasingly worried about this person, reach out to a trusted friend, teacher, or counselor for advice.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How should I respond to someone who feels insecure?

Lisa Shield
Life & Relationship Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Life & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

It's okay to set boundaries if you don't feel like you can help effectively. Just let the person know that you're not sure if you can help them and that they may need to talk to another person about it.

Warnings

If this person seems depressed, very anxious, and withdrawn, and is getting worse, don't hesitate to call a crisis counselor for help and resources. Contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 or https://988lifeline.org/. If you're outside the U.S., look up your country's suicide hotline using an international suicide hotline list like https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines.

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