How to Start a Relationship

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Romantic relationships can be confusing and a lot of fun. Sometimes, the hardest part is starting one. It takes patience to find a good person, get to know them, and enter kick off the romance. The good news is that if you do it well, you can have a happy, healthy relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making a Connection

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Spend time together. Once you find someone that you are interested in, spend time with them. Go out on dates, meet up for lunch, or even just go for a walk and talk. Seeing each other frequently will give you the chance to connect with the other person.^{[1]
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- Don't over do it. Seeing each other few times a week is fine, but seeing each other every day can actually damage a new relationship.
- Giving the other person space is not a bad thing. It can show them that you aren't needy, which most people find to be attractive.
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Learn about the other person. While you are spending time with the other person, it is important to ask genuine questions and pay attention to their answers. The more you learn about the person, the deeper your relationship can grow. They will also appreciate your honest desire to understand and care for them.^{[2]
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- For example, you might ask them about what things they liked to do as kids or whether or not they have any family nearby.
- Delay sexual intimacy until you feel comfortable communicating with them. That way you are less likely to have a misunderstanding when you finally do hook up.
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3
Create trust. Creating trust takes time. You have to be consistent and show up when the other person needs you. You have to keep promises that you make to them, whether it’s showing up for a date or helping them clean their house. It is also important to always tell them the truth, and if they ask something that you are uncomfortable sharing, tell them that.^{[3]
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- For example, if they asked you something deeply personal on a second date, you could say “I’m not really comfortable talking about that right now, but we can discuss it when we know each other better.”
- Trust often happens when you make yourself vulnerable. Opening yourself up to someone and showing them both your positive traits and your fears and insecurities help create deeper, lasting connections.^{[4]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Committing

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Express your interest in a sustained relationship. Even though you are seeing each other frequently and going out on dates, the other person can’t be sure of your intentions unless you tell them. Let the person know that you are ready and interested in a relationship. You should also be willing to hear whether they want the same thing or not.^{[5]
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- For example, you could say “We’ve been going out for a while, and I know that we both enjoy being around each other. I just wanted to let you know that I'm interested in a serious relationship when the time's right for both of us.”
2
Discuss boundaries. Once you agree to be in a relationship, there are certain rules that come with that. The tricky part is that these rules are not the same for every person or couple. You should both sit down and discuss what boundaries you expect to be followed in the relationship.^{[6]
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- For example, your partner might be okay with staying friends with exes, while that makes you uncomfortable. Discuss both sides and agree on something that makes you both comfortable.
- Creating boundaries can help you find a happy medium between what makes you and your partner feel comfortable. For example, you might agree that being friends with exes is okay, but constantly communicating with them is crossing the line.
3
Be willing to compromise. One of the hardest things about a relationship is that both people must be willing to compromise to make it work. That means you will have to do some things that you don’t like, and so will the other person. Keep an open line of communication about the relationship, and make sure that both people are giving and taking.^{[7]
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- For example, you might both hate doing dishes and laundry. As a compromise, one of you could do dishes, and the other do laundry.
- Work to keep your lines of communication open throughout the course of your relationship. Unspoken issues may arise and create even larger problems later on if not addressed.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Finding a Partner

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Make a list of qualities you find attractive. Many people jump straight into relationships soon after meeting someone simply because they don't want to be single. While this can fill one of your needs, you have no way of knowing if that person will make you happy in the long run. Instead, reflect on what you want out of a partner and a relationship, and what you find attractive. Think about things like:^{[8]
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- Do I want to be with someone who is career or family oriented? What do I find attractive in other people? Do I want someone who is spontaneous or predictable?
- These traits should compliment what you want in a happy life, so don't depend on someone else to fulfill your happiness. Learn how to make yourself happy first.
2
Do things you enjoy. The best way to meet people that have things in common with you is to go out and do the things you love doing. Inevitably, you will meet someone that enjoys doing the same things. This is a great start to a potential relationship, as you will naturally attract people when you are doing something you enjoy.^{[9]
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- For example, if you are an avid book reader, you might join a book club for people around your age.
- There are many organizations and groups from book clubs to adventure clubs that can help you spark a relationship with someone who enjoys similar things.
3
Consider your social circle. The friends you already have are likely to have common interests and know other people with interests like your own. Sometimes, a friendship can transition into a relationship easily if there’s an attraction between the two people. Friends can also introduce you to someone that they know and think you’d like.
- Do not try to force a relationship with a friend. This can lead to a failed relationship and a failed friendship.
4
Explore the internet. Though the internet makes it easy for people to create a false representation of themselves, there are people out there who are looking for genuine relationships. You can explore dating sites and social media to meet people and get to know them.^{[10]
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- Always be careful when going out with a person you meet on the internet. You should always meet in a safe, public place.

Expert Q&A
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Question

What makes a happy relationship?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

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That depends on the person, but there are some things that can you give insight into what kind of relationship is best for you. Start by looking at your past relationships. Make a list of the things you liked and didn't like about your previous relationships, as well as what worked and didn't work. You can even look at good and bad dates to give you an idea of what you'd prefer. That will help you figure out what to look for in a partner and a relationship.
Question

What qualities should a partner have?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

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To discover what you want in your ideal partner, ask yourself what's important in your life. For instance, if you have a hobby or something that takes up a lot of your time, decide whether that's something that you want to include someone else in. Also, think about what you hope your future will be like, as well as what kind of person you think would fit into that. You can also take a personality test. Search online for personality tests and take a few to give you some insight into what you might be looking for and what might be best for you
Question

What do you do with a guy you like in school?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

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Spend time around him if possible to show interest and get to know him. It's up to him to reciprocate and let you know if he feels the same way.

Warnings

Never compromise your morals.

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Be sure to understand the risks of intercourse.

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