What is a Pick-Me Girl?

Co-authored by Imad Jbara and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: January 21, 2023

Tired of feeling out of the loop? You've seen it on social media and heard your friends use the phrase constantly, but what exactly is a "pick-me girl"? It's actually way simpler than you'd think, and we've got the inside scoop below. We'll walk you through what this phrase means and show you how to spot "pick-me girl" behaviors. We'll also explain why it's so important to show empathy and understanding (and never resort to calling someone a "pick-me girl"). To learn everything you want to know, read on!

Things You Should Know

Pick-me girls put down other women in order to be liked by guys.
She will lean into outdated gender stereotypes and put down classically "girly" hobbies and interests as a way of garnering male attention.
A girl who happens to enjoy classically "masculine" interests, but is accepting of other ways of being, isn't a a pick-me girl.

Section 1 of 3:

Pick-Me Girls: Who Are They?

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Someone who criticizes women to be liked by guys is a "pick-me girl." You know that old saying: “Girls have got to stick together.” For some ladies out there, this is not a top priority. Pick-me girls care more about getting attention from men than giving basic respect to other women.^{[1]
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Research source} They may try to differentiate themselves from “other girls” by saying things like:^{[2]
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- “Girls are so dramatic. That’s why I get along so much better with boys.”
- “I could never be into that “girly” stuff like makeup and clothes. I’m just not really like other girls.”
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"Masculine" interests and male friends don't make you a pick-me girl. People should be able to have the friends, interests, and passions that they want. If you meet a girl who’s friends with only boys or likes video games more than shopping—that doesn't make her a pick-me girl. It's all about whether or not she patronizes other women. A non-pick-me girl might say:^{[3]
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- “I’m so bad at makeup so I never wear it. Yours looks so cool though. I love it!”
- “Yeah, I would rather skateboard than go shopping. But that’s just me. We could split up and then afterward, you could show me all of the cute stuff you bought!”
- “I’m friends with mainly guys, but I’d love to have some girlfriends, too. I hope I meet some that I click with soon!”

Section 2 of 3:

How to Spot a Pick-Me Girl

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A pick-me girl will make fun of other girls, especially around guys. Her goal is to look cool compared to other women. So when she’s around other smart, fun, awesome gals (like you!), she’ll try her best to drag you down. She may subtly try to embarrass you, make rude remarks, and all in all, attempt to make others think less of you (so not cool!). She might say things like:^{[4]
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- “Oh my god. You’re wearing so much makeup. Why’d you get so dressed up for this—we’re just hanging out with the boys!”
- “Uh, why are you going on about Gossip Girl again? That show is so boring and girly.”
- “Why are you ignoring Connor? Didn’t you say you had a crush on him or something?”
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A pick-me girl will criticize her gender and classically feminine things. All genders can and do enjoy any topic, but some interests are historically linked to women—like fashion and movies about female friendship. Then, there are the unfair, untrue stereotypes that women face, like that they’re overly dramatic or talkative. A pick-me girl will reinforce these stereotypes to get male attention.^{[5]
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- “Can you imagine waking up and spending an hour on your makeup every morning? How pathetic. I could never.”
- “Girls are so annoying. I’m so glad I hang out with guys. I wouldn’t able to stand all that constant chatting.”
- “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Are you serious? That’s the worst movie ever. It's just a bunch of girls talking for 90 minutes.”

Section 3 of 3:

Internalized Misogyny and Showing Empathy

Some women project misogyny onto others—and even themselves. People are taught to judge and stereotype women from a young age; so much so, that some women end up doing this to themselves and to their own gender.^{[6]
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Research source} So yes, “pick-me” behavior can be harmful. But it’s a result of a culture of misogyny—one that hurts pick-me girls, too. That's why it's important to show empathy.^{[7]
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- You should never resort to calling someone a pick-me girl.
- If you notice harmful behavior, try to gently expand the conversation without accusing this person. You might be able to get her thinking (and help her change her ways!)
- Maybe she said that liking makeup is stupid. Try this: “Why do you think that? Makeup is fun, it takes creativity, and it’s a skill you can continuously improve. What makes it worse than skateboarding, video games, or sports?”
- She might think about it and realize that there’s only one difference: makeup is linked to femininity. You might broaden her horizons without resorting to name-calling!