How to Deal With Gossip

Co-authored by Jessica George, MA, CHt

Last Updated: March 4, 2023 References Approved

Gossip is a double-edged sword - as fun as it can be to gossip about other people, when we do so, we invite gossip about ourselves, which is rarely entertaining. Do a serious favor for your friends (and yourself) - quit your gossip habit and become a better, more positive person.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Dealing with Gossip About You

1
If you learn that someone's been spreading nasty rumors about you, your first action should be to consult with your close friends. These should be people you know and trust. Tell them the facts of the situation. If the rumor's not true, they'll be sure to fight the spread of the rumor by shooting it down whenever they hear someone bring it up. If the rumor is true, they can still help stop its spread by sticking up for you and chastising people that spread it.^{[1]
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- Another great reason to turn to your friends is that they'll make you feel like you're not overwhelmed. When it seems like everyone you know is talking about you behind your back, you can feel absolutely surrounded - good friends will remind you that there are always people who love and respect you.
2
Confront the source of the rumor directly. If you know for sure who's responsible for spreading a nasty rumor about you, don't take it lying down. When you have a chance, walk right up to him or her and say that you don't appreciate the mean things s/he has said. Stay calm when you do this - you don't want to resort to the cruel words that this person has. You also don't want to give bystanders the impression that the rumor's true if it's not - if they don't know all the facts, they may assume an especially angry rebuttal means that the rumor's true.^{[2]
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- Say something polite yet direct, like: "Hey. I want you to know that I don't appreciate the things you've been saying about me. Please stop." Then, just walk away - this person doesn't deserve your time. Ignore any insults you hear as you're walking away.
- Sometimes, the person who started the rumor didn't do it on purpose. It may, for instance, be a friend who simply let a secret slip by accident. In cases like this, it's OK to express your disappointment, but you should avoid acting in a way that seems vindictive or accusatory (as above.)
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3
Keep a healthy self-image. When you're worried about a piece of gossip changing the way others think about you, it's bad enough. Don't let gossip change the way you think about yourself! The worst thing you can do is to allow a piece of gossip to become a self-fulfilling prophecy - to let your anxiety change your attitude or actions. Remember that just because someone's said something about you doesn't mean it's true. If someone's nasty enough to spread gossip about you, they're definitely nasty enough to lie.
- For instance, if you happen to overhear people talking about how you speak with a slight lisp, don't become silent and withdrawn to avoid having to hear the sound of your own voice. Everyone has small quirks that make them unique - the gossiper's "quirk" is that s/he is pathetically petty.
4
Ignore it. Gossip is oftentimes best dealt with by paying no attention to it at all. Most people don't think very hard about gossip - if they see you react in a way that seems agitated or ashamed, they might assume the rumor's true, even if it's not. A good policy is to react to gossip as if it doesn't bother you.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} When you hear that there's a rumor going around about you, simply blow it off with a comment like, "Heh. You'd have to be pretty dumb to believe that." Don't dwell on it. Other people will take their social cues from you. If you act like the rumor isn't worth your time, there's a good chance they'll follow suit.^{[4]
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- When you hear gossip about yourself, laugh it off. Act as if it's ridiculous! Share a chuckle about it! Turn the tables by making the person who started the rumor the butt of the joke - how hilarious is it that they actually thought spreading a dumb rumor about you would work?
5
Never let gossip affect your routine. It's true - if you know there's an awful rumor going around about you, it can be hard to show your face in social situations. If someone told the whole football team that you have jock itch, for instance, you're probably not looking forward to the time in the locker room before practice. It's really tough, but try your hardest not to shy away from the activities you would normally participate in. Doing so will only make you feel more isolated. Instead, show the world how little you care about the gossip by not altering the way you live in the slightest.
6
Tell an authority figure. If nasty rumors and gossip are a frequent problem, or if someone's told a rumor that might get you in trouble for something you didn't do, talk to a teacher, counselor, or administrator. These people can help you work through the problem - they can give you advice on how to proceed, make you feel better, and even dole out discipline to people who've started the rumor. Don't be afraid to contact an authority figure for guidance when dealing with especially nasty or persistent rumors. These types of people exist to help you.^{[5]
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- You should definitely talk to an authority figure if the gossip makes you feel like you may retaliate by doing something drastic, like starting a fight. Many schools have zero-tolerance policies for aggressive behavior. Don't get expelled over a stupid rumor (especially not if it's untrue.) Get in touch with an authority figure in your school right away.
7
Stay away from people who gossip. The single best way to avoid having gossip told about you is to stay away from the kinds of people who tell mean gossip! As popular or cool as they may seem, these people are sad and desperate. They can't have a good time without spreading hurtful rumors about someone else. Don't bother with them. Find friends who don't get enjoyment from hurting people.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} Remember - a friend who stabs you in the back by telling a nasty rumor isn't much of a friend at all.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Dealing with Gossip About Other People

1
Don't pass the gossip along. The most important thing you can do when you hear gossip about someone is to halt the rumor in its tracks. No matter how juicy it seems, it's not worth hurting someone's feelings over.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} Put yourself in this person's shoes - would you like to come to school one day only to find out that everyone's been talking about you? Wouldn't that make you feel lonely and betrayed? Don't pass gossip along - if you do, you're helping it spread.^{[8]
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- It's also not a bad idea to try convincing the person who told you the gossip to stop spreading it. If they're a close friend or a good person, you might have success. However, if they're already a gossip king or queen, they may not listen.
- Let's use an example. Let's say a friend comes to you with a juicy secret about a kid you know named Jason - he hasn't been at school for the past week because he caught mono from kissing Kim under the bleachers! In this case, just calmly say something like "Oh, let's not spread rumors about him" to squash the conversation.
2
Don't take the gossip as true. Don't let a baseless rumor you heard impact your behavior in any way. Don't start avoiding or antagonizing people just because you heard something bad about them. One of the reasons gossip can hurt so badly is because it can change the way their friends and acquaintances act around them. Imagine, for instance, how it might feel for someone to walk down the hallway at school if people break into whispers and giggles as s/he walks by. Never change the way you think or act about someone until you have reason to believe the things you've heard are true.
- In our example, you would not let the rumors about Jason and Kim change your behavior in any way. You certainly wouldn't avoid Jason in the lunch room or complain about having to share a locker with Kim, for instance!
3
Don't make exceptions for gossip you know is true. Lots of the gossip you hear is completely bogus, usually made up by someone to get back at someone else. Sometimes, however, rumors are true or half-true. Even if you're sure that a rumor you hear is true, don't spread it. It's very embarrassing to have private information spread around the school. Would you like it if everyone knew some true bit of embarrassing information about you, like, for example, that you have a gross rash? You definitely wouldn't - neither will someone else.
- Let's say that you know the rumor about Jason is true because your mom is his doctor and she let the information slip at dinner last night. Keep this information to yourself. If you let it slip, the information could be even more hurtful to Jason than a false rumor. Gossip is still gossip if it's true.
4
Keep secrets. Sometimes, people will trust you with sensitive personal information. This may be something they know about someone else or it may be information about themselves. If someone's trusted you with a secret, never tell anyone else without their permission. Not only is it a big breach of their trust, it's also a sure-fire way to start the spread of a rumor that can easily spiral out of control. Keep a reputation as a dependable friend by keeping secrets you're told.
- The best way to avoid telling a secret is to simply feign ignorance - pretend that you don't know anything. It's smarter to do this than to acknowledge you know a secret but refuse to tell it - if people weren't interested in the information before, the promise of a juicy secret will probably make them try to work the information out of you. For instance, if Kim tells you that she originally got the mono from Jason's best friend Stephen, do not tell your friends "I have a secret, but you can't know it!"
5
Never start rumors yourself. This seems likes a no-brainer, but it's surprisingly easy to start rumors accidentally! Any time you say something nasty about someone else in the presence of people you can't trust to keep a secret, you're creating the possibility that someone will run wild with your words. Be safe! Don't risk hurting someone's feelings or opening yourself up to retaliation just because you were loose with your words. Keep any mean words to yourself - or, if you absolutely have to share them, make sure it's with people you trust to keep their mouths shut.
- Even telling trusted friends can carry risks. They may, in turn, tell other people that they trust. As this cycle repeats, more and more people will hear your gossip and the chance that it will make its way into the general population will increase.
6
Know when to report rumors to teachers. The rules above have occasional exceptions. When you hear a rumor that makes you think that people are in danger, you should tell a parent, teacher, or administration official as soon as you can. This is all the more urgent if you have any reason to believe the rumor might be true. For instance, if you hear a rumor that someone's been bringing knives to school or if a friend tells you that he's been having thoughts about hurting himself, you should tell a counselor or a teacher right away.^{[9]
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- Violating someone's trust by telling a teacher about something dangerous he or she plans to do can make you feel guilty, as if you've betrayed this person. However, someone's physical well-being is more important than his or her sense of trust in you. In fact, in most cases, it's disloyal not to prioritize a friend's safety.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you stop people gossiping around you?

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).

Jessica George, MA, CHt

Certified Professional Master Life Coach

Expert Answer

Gossiping people are looking for others to share the gossip with. Do not offer up your opinion, as this feeds them. If you stay neutral, they will eventually get the hint that you are not playing into their game. Silence is powerful.
Question

Why do people gossip in front of you?

Jessica George, MA, CHt
Certified Professional Master Life Coach
Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP).

Jessica George, MA, CHt

Certified Professional Master Life Coach

Expert Answer

Gossiping people are looking for others to share the gossip with. To avoid that, call attention to others so that no attention is on the gossiping person.