How to Overcome Shyness

Think about the root of your shyness. Shyness doesn't necessarily equate to being introverted or not liking yourself. It simply means that for some reason you get embarrassed when the spotlight hits you. What's the root of your shyness? It's generally the symptom of a larger problem. Here are four possibilities:

• You have a weak self-image. This happens when we evaluate ourselves and that voice in our heads is negative. It's tough to stop listening to it, but at the end of the day it's your voice and you can tell it what to say.^[1]
• You have issues believing compliments given to you. Whether or not you think you look good, someone did, and that's why they told you so. You wouldn't call them a liar would you? Lift your chin, say "thank you" and accept it. Don't try to tell the person who paid you a compliment that they're wrong.
• You are preoccupied with how you come off. This happens when we focus too much on ourselves. Because we spend all day monitoring our actions and making sure we don't mess up, we assume everyone else is too. We'll talk about turning the focus on others if this sounds like you.
• You are labeled as shy by others. Sometimes, when we're little, we're shy. Unfortunately, people latch onto that and treat us as such, even when our personalities grow out of it. It's possible that others have lumped you into this category and you're trying to accommodate them. The good news? You only have to accommodate yourself.^[2]
  • Whatever your reason, it's doable to get over it. They're all ways of thinking and thinking is the one thing you have control over. Yes!

Accept your shyness. One of the first steps to overcome your shyness is try to accept your shyness and be comfortable with it. The more you will resist it unconsciously or consciously, longer it will prevail. If you are shy then accept it and embrace it totally. One way it could be done is by saying to yourself repeatedly 'Yes I am shy and I accept it'.^[3]

Figure out your triggers. Do you become shy in front of new audiences? When learning a new skill? When venturing into a new situation? When surrounded by people you know and admire? When you don't know anyone somewhere? Try to pinpoint the thoughts that go through your head right before the shyness hits.

• Odds are not all situations make you shy. You're okay being around your family, right? How are they that different than the strangers around you? They're not -- you just know them better and what's more, they know you. It's not you, it's just the situations you're in. This proves that it's not a global, 100% of-the-time thing. Excellent.

Make a list of situations that make you feel anxious. Order them so that those things that cause you the least anxiety are first and those that cause you the most anxiety are last. When you put things in concrete terms, it feels like a task you can tackle and tackle successfully.^[4]

• Make them as concrete as possible. "Talking in front of people" may be a trigger, but you can get more specific. Talking in front of those who have more authority than you do? Talking to those you find attractive? The more specific you are, the easier it will be to identify the situation and work through it.

Conquer the list. Once you have a list of 10-15 stressful situations, start working through them, one-by-one (after you read the article, of course). The first few "easier" situations will help build your confidence so that you can continue moving to more difficult situations on your list.

• Don't worry if you have to go backwards on the list sometimes; take it at your own pace, but make an effort to push yourself.

Use this shyness as a cue. Whatever inside you that triggers shyness is because we perceive it as a trigger for shyness. Its like computer programming when in a 'program' gets a certain type interrupt it behaves in the same way how we have programmed it to handle interrupts. Similarly our mind can be programmed too. In a way, we were programmed since our childhood, to react to certain stimuli like stay away from strangers, heights, dangerous animals etc. We often react automatically, reacting in a way which comes naturally to us (by default) and this reaction could be flawed. For example: when people see a lizard some see an ugly reptile, while others would perceive a beautiful pet. This difference comes from their memories and experiences (or lack of experience) with the stimuli (lizard). In the same way, when shy people see people(stimuli) your natural response is shyness. The truth is that you can change this response by re-programming your mind. Some ways this could be done by:

• Questioning yourself and checking the validity of your reasons. For example, its essential that you practice speaking in public to really overcome the problem of shyness. Try to see this shyness as a cue to push yourself hard and to do the opposite of what you have been doing when you feel shy. When you feel shy in public, you probably leave for a quiet place because this has been your default reaction for so long. But this time when you feel shy, push yourself and do the opposite; i.e., talk to people. Yes, you will feel extremely uncomfortable but again see these emotions as a trigger to push yourself even harder. The greater the magnitude of these negative emotions, the harder they will motivate you to push yourself. After trying this for several times you will realize that these negative feelings and emotions were actually your good friends because they motivated you to push yourself even harder.

Place your attention on others. For most of us, we become shy when we think if we speak up or stand out, we'll embarrass ourselves. That's why it's important to focus on others, placing our (mental) attention elsewhere. When we stop focusing on ourselves, we stop being able to be worried how we come off.

• The easiest way to do this is to concentrate on compassion.^[5] When we're feeling compassionate, sympathetic, or even empathetic, we stop being concerned about ourselves and start devoting all our mental resources to understanding others. Remembering that everyone is fighting some sort of battle -- big or small (big to them!) -- helps us remember everyone deserves our care.
• If that doesn't work, imagine a thinking pattern like you imagine other people have. If you're worried about how you look, you're assuming everyone else is outwardly focused (hint: they're actually not). Thinking patterns are contagious; once you start, you won't be able to stop.

Visualize success. Close your eyes and visualize a situation where you might be shy. Now, in your mind's eye, think about being confident. Do this often, and for different situations. This is most effective if you do this daily, especially in the morning. It might feel silly, but athletes use visualization to develop their skills, so why not you?

• Involve all your senses to make it feel the most real. Think about being happy and comfortable. What do you sound like? What are you doing? That way when the time comes, you'll be prepared.

Practice good posture. Standing tall gives the world the impression that you are self-confident and receptive to others. Often we are treated the way we feel -- so if you feel open and approachable, your body will emulate that feeling. Body over matter!^[6]

• This will fool your brain, too. Research says that good posture (head held high, shoulders back, and open arms) makes us feel authoritative, confident, and -- to top it off -- reduces stress.^[7] And you didn't even need more reasons!

Practice speaking clearly to yourself. This will help avoid the potential embarrassment of needing to repeat what you said due to mumbling or talking too quietly. You gotta get used to hearing your own voice! Loving it, even.

• Record yourself pretending to have conversations. Sounds ridiculous, sure, but you'll notice patterns, when and why you drop off, times when you assume you're speaking loudly but you're really not, etc. At the beginning you'll feel like an actor (and do things actors do to get in the moment), but it will become an old habit. Practice makes habits, you know!

Don't compare yourself to others. The more you compare yourself to others, the more you will feel that you are not able to measure up and the more intimidated you will feel, which will make you shyer. There is no use to compare yourself to anybody else -- but if you do, do it realistically. Everyone else is overwrought with self-assurance problems, too!^[8]

• Seriously. If you have some super confident and extroverted friends or family members, ask them about this topic. They'll probably say something, "Oh, yeah, I totally make it a conscious thing to put myself out there" or "I used to be terrible. I really had to work at it." You're just on a different phase of the process than they are.

Think about how awesome you are. Everyone has some special gift or trait to offer to the world. It may sound corny, but it's true. Think about what you know, what you can do, and what you have accomplished, rather than fixating on how you look, sound, or dress. Keep in mind that everyone, even the "beautiful people," has something about themselves or their life that they don't like. There's no particular reason why your "problem" should make you shy while their "problem" doesn't make them shy.

• When you concentrate on this, you'll realize you have plenty to offer any group or situation. Your resources and skills are needed to improve any issue, conversation, or circumstance. Knowing this, you'll feel more inclined to speak up.

Identify your social value and strengths. Just because you're not the alpha in the room, have the most booming voice, or get the party started doesn't mean you lack social strengths. Are you a great listener? Do you have an eye for detail? It's possible it's something that's not even occurred to you, so sit back for a second. Are you better at observing than most of those around you? Probably.

• Your strengths can give you an advantage. If you're a great listener, you'll probably be able to see when someone has a problem and needs to vent a little. In this circumstance, they are the one that needs you. There's nothing threatening about that situation. So ask them what's up! You noticed they're steaming at the ears a little bit -- can you lend an ear of yours?
• In every social group, all the roles need to be filled. You have a place even if you don't see it. None is better than any other -- know that your value, whatever it may be, completes the group dynamic.

Don't get caught up in labels. For the record, popular people aren't happy. Extroverts aren't necessarily popular or happy and shy people aren't necessarily introverts, unhappy, or cold and aloof. Just as you don't want to be caught up in labels, don't tack them onto anyone else either.

• The popular kids at school are trying super hard, day in and day out, to be popular. They're trying to conform and fit in and succeeding. Good on them, but it doesn't mean they're happy or that it'll last. Trying to emulate something that isn't as it seems won't get you anywhere. You're better off going to the beat of your own drum -- the high school drum ends, the college drum ends, and then what would you be left with? A couple of drumsticks and a funny hat.

Get informed. If you're attending a party next week, it's a good idea to prepare yourself with a couple hot topics. Is the government shutting down again? A hot TV show finale? An international event? Read up. That way when the topic comes up in conversation, you'll be able to chip in.

• You're not looking to impress here with your thorough and in-depth knowledge. You're simply looking to join in. Others aren't looking to be judged or be handed opinions, so keep it light and friendly. A simple, "Man, I wouldn't want to be in Boehner's shoes" can keep the conversation from hitting a standstill.

Think of conversations in stages. Social interaction can be simplified, to a point. When you get down the basic steps and internalize them, you'll be ready to go about conversations on autopilot, which is a lot less stressful.^[9] Think about all conversations in four stages:

• Stage one is a simple opening line. It's small talk at its finest.
• Stage two are the introductions. Self-explanatory.
• Stage three is finding some common ground, some topic you can both talk about.
• Stage four is closing, one party informing the other of their departure, and summing up, possibly exchanging information. "Well, it was great talking to you -- I never thought about Walt that way. Here's my card -- let's chat again soon!"

Start a conversation. Remember that awesome project you completed? That mountain you hiked up? That illness you overcame? If you can do all those things, this conversation will be a piece of cake. A random comment about something you two share will start it off -- "This dang bus is always late," or "Just gotta have faith that the coffee is coming!" or "Did you see Mr. Bossman's tie today? Ho. Ly. Cow." They'll take it from there.^[10]

• Add a detail to basic statements. If someone asks you where you live, it's easy for the conversation to stop in a super-awkward, feel-like-you've-failed dead halt. Instead of saying "On Jump Street," say, "On Jump Street, right next to that awesome bakery."^[11] That way, the person has something to comment on, keeping the conversation going. Instead of replying, "Oh, cool." They'll say, "Ohmigod, have you tried their chocolate croissants?!"

Warm up. If you're at a party, you can have the same exact conversation over and over and over. Hit up one or two people at a time and practice the same social pleasantries and platitudes until you've got it and are practically nauseated. Then move back to the people you really enjoyed talking to. You can zero in on a real conversation then.

• Start off quickly, each conversation only lasting a few minutes. This will take the pressure off you and probably make you less nervous -- when the end is 120 seconds away, it's not that scary. Then you can focus your time and energy on those you'd like to be friends with. Really, it makes the most sense for your time and resources!^[11]

Look and act approachable. Convey an open, friendly attitude with your body language. Make sure to keep your arms uncrossed, your head up, and your hands not preoccupied. No one will talk to you if you're buried in a game of Candy Crush. They're just being polite!

• Think of the people you would want to approach. What do their bodies and faces say? Now think of the people you wouldn't want to approach. How you're sitting right now -- where does it fall on the spectrum?

Smile and make eye contact. A simple smile in the direction of a stranger may brighten your day, and it will brighten theirs too! Smiling is a friendly way to acknowledge others, and it makes a pretty good lead-in to start a conversation with anyone, stranger or friend. You're showing you're harmless, friendly, and wanting to engage.^[12]

• Humans are social creatures. A simple look at prisoners in solitary confinement will prove that. All of us are seeking interaction and reaffirmation. You're not imposing on their day -- you're making it more vibrant and, well, better.

Think about your body. When you're in a group of people (or even just one person), you'll probably get caught up in some shy thoughts. That's normal at the beginning. If you find yourself getting anxious, ask yourself these questions:^[13]

• Am I breathing? If you can slow your breath, your body will automatically relax.
• Am I relaxed? Move your body to a more comfortable position if not.
• Am I open? You may be taking cues from your own positioning. Opening up may change how others view you as part of the group.

Set goals for yourself. It's not enough to think "I'm gonna go out there and not be shy!" That isn't really a tangible goal -- that's similar to saying, "I want to be awesome." How do you do that? You need action-oriented goals, like talking to a stranger or initiating conversation with a cute boy or girl you know. (We'll cover these actions in the next section).^[14]

• Focus on small, daily accomplishments, then gradually become more daring. Even asking a stranger the time can be a daunting task. Don't write off these small chances as no big deal -- they're huge! You can work up to talking in front of huge crowds in a bit. Slow down!

Find what's comfortable for you. Straight up, moshing at a rave or drinking all night long at a club may not be for you -- that has nothing to do with shyness. If you'd rather be trimming your grandmother's toenails, listen to that. Don't try to conquer your shyness in environments you straight up can't stand. It won't stick.

• You don't have to be doing what everybody else is doing. And if you do, you're not going to stick with it and you're not going to find people who you like and are similar to you. Why waste your time?! If the bar scene isn't for you, that's totally fine. Practice your social skills in coffee houses, at small gatherings, or at work. They're more applicable to your life.

Practice placing yourself in not-so-comfortable situations. Alright, so we don't want you in places where you are hiding in the corner pinching yourself to numb the social pain, but you do need to put yourself in environments where you're just a step or two out of your element. How else will you grow?

• Start at the top of your list, remember? It could be making small talk with the CVS girl, stopping a person at the bus stop for the time, or chit chatting it up with the guy who has the cubicle next to yours. Most people are crap at initiating (have you figured out why that is yet? They're just like you), but the opportunities for conversation are there.
• Heading someplace by yourself is a great way to build your self-confidence, so you can be open to someone coming up to you.^[15]
• Going out alone can also push you to be more outgoing and more at ease with your own company.^[16]

Introduce yourself to one new person each day. It is often easier to talk with strangers, at least briefly. After all, you may never see them again, so who cares what they think about you? That guy down the street, walking to the bus. Try to make eye contact with him and smile. It's literally 3 seconds of your time!

• The more you do this, the more you find that people are receptive and friendly. Once in a while you'll get the occasional freak who's paranoid and wonders why you're smiling at him -- consider him just fun to mess with. What's more, smiling makes people wonder why you're smiling -- now you're getting in their heads instead of the other way around!

Put yourself out there. Talk to somebody you would not normally think about having a conversation with. Try to find people who share one or more of your interests and make plans to talk to them. At some point or another, you'll find yourself in front of a group. Chime in with even the most basic of statements (or in support of someone else's). Get involved. It's the only way to grow.^[17]

• This will get easier with time. Remember how driving or riding a bike was hard at first? It's the same with social interactions; you just haven't had a lot of practice. After a while, you'll be all "been there, done that." Nothing will phase you. Huzzah.
• Joining a gym or doing other types of activities can help you meet new people indirectly.^[18]