How to Make Your Partner Come Back to You

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References Approved

If you and your partner are broken up, how can you salvage the relationship and persuade them to start over? Breakups often feel final, but if you want your partner back and are willing to fight for the relationship, you can take steps towards reconciliation. Read on for a complete guide to processing your breakup, making amends, and ultimately getting your partner to come back to you.

Things You Should Know

Avoid contacting your partner for a while as you reflect on the breakup, build up your confidence and self-love, and spend time with friends.
Reach out to your ex after a period of no contact and discuss your relationship. Communicate with each other and plan for the future.
Apologize and forgive one another for the past, then take time to reconnect with your partner. Take things slow and see a counselor if needed.

1

Give them space.

You and your partner need time to process and get over the breakup. Let your ex know that you need a little space first. Then, try the "no contact" rule. Don't text, call, or otherwise contact your ex for around 30 days; this is enough time for your partner to start genuinely missing you. It also gives you time to work through your feelings for each other independently.^{[1]
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- When letting your ex know about your need for space, you could say, "I care for you a lot, but I need a little time to think about everything," or "I think some time apart might be good for us both."
- No contact means you also shouldn't engage with them on social media. You don't have to block them completely (especially since you want them back), but don't like any posts or send messages.
- Generally, people using the no-contact rule only wait longer than 30 days (up to 60) if they're trying to move on. Reconnect after no more than 30 days if you want your partner back.

2

Analyze the reasons for the breakup.

You'll be able to move forward when you understand what went wrong. Make a list of everything you think contributed to the problem to understand the cause of your separation. What problems led to the breakup? Did your partner give you any clues? This will help you organize your thoughts and identify what may need to be done to mend the relationship.^{[2]
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- For instance, a list of factors that contributed to the separation might include: anger, lack of time together, ignoring problems, walking away from conversations instead of dealing with them, or intense criticism.

3

Work on yourself independently.

Self-acceptance and love can build up your confidence. Make positive changes in your life, whether you get a new haircut, spruce up your wardrobe, or learn a new hobby you've been dreaming about. Build your confidence by engaging in activities you enjoy and focusing on what you like about yourself. When you love yourself, you're more receptive to love in relationships too.^{[3]
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- Remember that you are your own person with unique qualities and talents outside the relationship. Try writing down everything you like about yourself, from your hair to your intellect.
- Practice doing things alone, like shopping or just going for a jog. You don't have to do everything alone, but it's easier to be independent when you know that being alone isn't so bad.
- It's okay to feel sad sometimes too. Release those feelings by crying or writing in a journal, then do something to cheer yourself up—like watching a funny TV show.
- Take care of your physical and mental health! Ensure you're eating healthy foods, sleeping for 8 hours every night, drinking lots of water, and taking time to be mindful of your emotions.

4

Spend time with friends and family.

Processing a breakup is easier with a strong support system. Lack of support can make you feel lonely and desperate for your partner, but desperation only drives them away. To cope with those feelings and seem more desirable to your ex, confide in friends and family members and spend time doing fun things with them as well. Separation and breakups hurt, but you don't have to suffer in silence.^{[4]
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- When you make yourself happy with other people besides your partner, you’ll also show your partner how valuable and in-demand your time is. This will make them more interested in coming back to you.
- Go on fun adventures with your friends and post photos on social media to get your partner thinking about you without directly contacting them.

5

Re-establish contact with your partner.

Reach out to them when you're ready to discuss the breakup calmly. Start by connecting with your partner via phone, text, or email after the no-contact period and ask them if they're willing to discuss the situation with you. If your partner ignores you, don't repeatedly call or text. Leave a message and explain that you'd like to discuss what happened, but you're happy to wait until they're ready for that.^{[5]
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- Say, "I'd like to talk to you about the situation. Are you open to that?" Avoid begging or demanding that they talk to you, as that can drive your partner away.
- Set up a time to meet in person if your partner is open to discussing the breakup. Choose a neutral public space, like a cafe or a park.
- If your partner isn't ready to talk, give them more time and space. This will show them that you're sensitive to their needs and make them more likely to reach out to you!

6

Listen to your partner's needs.

Active listening shows them you're serious about reconciliation. Now that you've identified issues in the past relationship, it's time to get your partner's side of the story. Talk to them about the relationship, plus their feelings and needs going forward. Ask them what you can do, give them your full attention, and listen to what they say. Make eye contact and let them speak uninterrupted.^{[6]
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- Be supportive and empathic. Try to understand where your partner is coming from and focus solely on their experience of what happened. Say things like, "I understand that you feel angry, and I can see why you feel that way."
- Ask questions for clarification, like, "I'm hearing that you're angry at me for not spending enough quality time with you. Is that right?"

7

Tell your partner what you need from them.

Relationships work when both partners know the other’s needs. After listening respectfully, tell your partner what you need from them going forward to maintain a positive relationship. Think about the relationship issues you identified earlier and what might minimize them in the future. Be honest, gentle, and compassionate about your needs, phrasing them in a way that doesn't blame or criticize your partner.^{[7]
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- Use "I" statements that sound constructive and less accusatory. For example, you could say, "I feel angry when you leave while I'm trying to talk to you. Can we discuss the issue next time?" instead of "You never listen to me!"
- Be direct but tactful. If you want to mend the relationship, being candid about your wishes can help. You could say, "I really want to patch things up between us; I don't want to lose you."
- Avoid any kind of aggressive communication, like yelling, cursing, belittling, calling names, interrogating, threatening, giving dirty looks, bullying, and throwing objects.

8

Own up to your mistakes.

Acknowledging (and apologizing for) mistakes can help rebuild trust. If your partner has any grievances from the old relationship, validate those concerns and apologize for mistakes you may have made. It's natural to get defensive, but your partner won't be able to regain their trust in you unless you're straightforward, honest, and open with them.^{[8]
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- Mistakes are a part of life. They don't make you a bad partner unless you refuse to learn from them. Show your partner that you're committed to progress by apologizing and explaining how you've learned from the mistake.
- For example, "I'm sorry I didn't make enough time for our relationship in the past. I understand that it made you feel lonely and neglected. I intend to schedule proper quality time for us in the future and make it up to you."

9

Make a plan for the future.

Restart your relationship right by committing to positive changes. Begin by asking your partner what they want to change about the relationship. If this is a request you can compromise on, work together to build a plan on how you will make those changes and fix past problems. Make sure your partner knows you're willing to make the necessary changes to mend the relationship.^{[9]
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- For example, your plan to improve the relationship could include spending quality time together to avoid feeling disconnected or responding to your partner's texts more quickly and consistently.
- Ensure that your partner is equally willing to make changes for the sake of the relationship. Someone serious about a fresh start will give you their full attention and commit to working on any problems you list.

10

Forgive one another.

You can move forward together once you forgive past hurts. After owning up to your mistakes and apologizing, the next natural step is forgiveness. Instead of dwelling on what the other person did wrong, accept their flaws (and yours) and move on. Try to understand where your partner is coming from, empathize with their perspective, and then release your resentment and anger.^{[10]
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- Once you forgive one another, it'll be easy to begin again with a brand new relationship (with the same partner) and a clean slate.
- Releasing all that anger and forgiving someone also has health benefits. Anger and bitterness cause stress, which hurts you mentally and physically. Remember: forgiveness is a tool to help you, not just the person you're forgiving.

11

Reconnect with your partner.

Fun, carefree dates reinforce the positive connection between you. Healthy relationships are characterized by connection, intimacy, admiration, and support. Set a date with your partner where you can focus on reconnecting instead of only discussing the problems in your relationship. Spend quality time with your partner to rekindle the spark of your old relationship.^{[11]
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- For example, some fun and intimate dates could be: going out to a romantic dinner, having a picnic in the park, walking on the beach, going for a hike, or watching the sunset together.
- Express your admiration for your partner by telling them everything you appreciate about them.

12

Take the new relationship slowly.

Rebuild your relationship step-by-step to ensure it lasts. It's tempting to pick up exactly where you left off with an old partner, but both of you need to relearn how to be a couple. Look at this as a new relationship rather than the continuation of an old one. Take it slow and ease into dating at your own pace, rather than just moving right back in with one another.^{[12]
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- There's no set amount of time between dating milestones, but generally, try not to rush things or take any steps before you're ready.
- For example: don't go Instagram-official immediately. Go on a few dates first, and reconnect before labeling the new relationship.
- Accept that your new relationship isn't the same and probably never will be. That's not a bad thing! It means you care about one another enough to start over and try again, which is something to celebrate.

13

See a counselor or relationship coach.

A professional can improve you and your partner's communication. If you're struggling to identify relationship issues, discuss the relationship frankly with your ex, or dealing with any other issue in the reconciliation process, consider seeing a counselor or relationship coach with your partner. A professional can help you communicate your needs to one another honestly and make a plan for the future.^{[13]
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