How to Know if Your Boyfriend Is Being Disrespectful to You

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD

Last Updated: December 8, 2022

You have a right to be respected in a relationship. If you feel like something isn't quite right regarding how your boyfriend treats you, evaluate your relationship. Think about how you feel. Do you feel trapped or controlled? From there, think about how your boyfriend treats you. Is he mean to you? Does he lecture you? If you feel you're being disrespected, spend a long time thinking about whether or not you want to remain in the relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Evaluating Your Feelings

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Think about whether you feel heard. If your boyfriend is disrespectful, you often won't feel like you're being heard in the relationship. Do you feel like your boyfriend truly understands you? Do you think he knows your needs and wants? If not, he may be disrespecting you.^{[1]
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- You may feel like your boyfriend does not know basic things about you, such as personal boundaries and what you like to do. This may be because he talks over you or dismisses you.
- Listening is a basic sign of respect. Someone who does not listen to you does not likely respect you.
- Also consider whether you feel seen. Does your partner acknowledge you when you come into the room or leave, or do they just brush past you?^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Allison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.}
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Examine if you feel unworthy. Think about how you feel about your role in the relationship. Disrespectful people will often make their partners feel unworthy. In a healthy relationship, you will feel you deserve love and respect.^{[3]
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- You may find yourself consistently having thoughts like, "I don't deserve him" or "It's my fault he yells. I don't deserve to be treated well."
- You do deserve respect. Every human deserve as much. If you consistently feel unworthy of basic aspects of respect (being listened to, being treated with kindness, having your needs met, etc.) then your boyfriend may be being disrespectful towards you.
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3
Evaluate your overall energy level. Disrespectful people can create toxic relationships with those around them. If you're being perpetually disrespected, think about your overall energy level. Do you feel tired most of the time? Do you feel drained and exhausted? If so, your boyfriend may be disrespecting you.^{[4]
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Think about your behavior. A disrespectful partner can affect how you behave. If you're with someone who doesn't respect you, you may often feel like you're at your worst.^{[5]
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- Do you feel like you're not the person you used to be? Do you feel like you're no longer able to keep up with things like your friends, hobbies, and social life and are just doing the bare minimum?
- Do you feel like you're not dealing as well in social interactions? Maybe you've been more short tempered or dismissive lately. This is a sign you're not being respected and lashing out at others.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Examining Your Interactions

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Think about whether your partner lectures you. No one is perfect. It's normal for a romantic partner to sometimes point out your flaws if they affect him or the relationship. However, a disrespectful partner will lecture you constantly about even minor, inconsequential flaws. He will also sound less concerned and more demeaning.^{[6]
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- In a respectful relationship, your boyfriend may say something like, "Could you not text as much while we watch TV? I just like to have you present."
- If your boyfriend is being disrespectful, his reaction will be more over the top. Instead of asking nicely that you don't text during certain times, he will lash out and start lecturing you about your flaws. For example, "This just shows how you can't concentrate on anything. I think this is why you've been having so much trouble at school lately. Your professors are probably as frustrated with you as I am."
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Consider whether you feel controlled or dominated. A disrespectful boyfriend is often very controlling and domineering in his behavior. During interactions, you may feel your boyfriend will not let you have your way. He may have an "It's my way or the highway" mentality, and act out when things don't go the way he wants.
- A disrespectful boyfriend may, for example, take major issue with you seeing friends without him. He may berate you and question this decision, saying things like, "Your friends are so boring. Why do you need to see them so much?"
- While he may not directly forbid you from going, he may do things to make your night difficult. For example, he allows you to see a movie with your friend Maggie, but texts and calls the whole time in the theater. He may also let you grab coffee with a friend, but cold shoulder you when you get home.
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Think about whether your boyfriend is ever willing to compromise. Compromise is important to any healthy relationship. Your boyfriend should occasionally be willing to meet your needs, just as you've met his. You may feel like you always end up doing things your partner's way, whether you want to or not.^{[7]
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- In a normal relationship, people compromise on things like taste. You may, for example, go see a movie you don't really want to see, but then eat dinner at your favorite restaurant afterwards.
- With a disrespectful boyfriend, everything will be about him. If you try to say "No" or offer a compromise, he simply berates you until he gets his way. For example, he wants to go hiking for your anniversary. You're not much of a hiker, but propose a short, easy hike as you've never gone before. Instead of agreeing, he keeps complaining that he loves long hikes and a short hike will be boring for him until you eventually agree to go on the shorter hike.
4
Watch out for angry outbursts. Is your boyfriend quick to anger? Does he create a generally hostile atmosphere in your home? If you feel unsafe when around him, and feel as if you need to walk on eggshells constantly, he may be disrespecting you.^{[8]
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Evaluate whether your boyfriend ever takes responsibility for his actions. A chronically disrespectful person will not own up to the fact his behavior has hurt others. Most people apologize for their shortcomings or try to change them. A disrespectful person will never take full responsibility for himself.
- Your boyfriend may refuse to apologize for even little things. For example, he's consistently late but is always making excuses such as "There was traffic" and "I was stressed, so I lost track of time."
- He may also make excuses for major aspects of disrespect. For example, "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you don't get the pressure I've been under lately." He may even go as far as to blame you. For example, "I would be more respectful about you seeing your friends if I felt more valued in the relationship."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Coping with Disrespect

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Assert yourself when necessary. If you feel your boyfriend is being disrespectful, learn to assert yourself. In the moment the disrespect occurs, let him know you will not tolerate it. You do not have to be aggressive or mean. Simply state your needs in a calm fashion
- When your boyfriend is being difficult, say so in the moment. Calmly let him know what he's saying is not respectful and you don't appreciate it. Do this in a calm fashion to avoid escalating the argument.
- For example, your boyfriend is on your case about you going out with friends from work because he feels these friends are not responsible. Say something like, "I appreciate your concerns, but I know how to stay safe. I'm allowed to have a social life and I need you to respect that."
- You also have the right to assert yourself if you feel like your boyfriend is being disrespected in his actions. For instance, if he leaves a big mess around the house and expects you to clean it up, that's a sign of disrespect.^{[9]
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  Expert Source
  
  Allison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.}
2
Exit conversations if you're not being respected. If your boyfriend is chronically disrespectful, he may not always listen when you assert yourself. Instead of hearing your needs and backing off, he may become hostile or even aggressive. For example, "I don't care what you think you need. I don't want you going out with those girls from the office." In this case, just walk away.
- You need to back up your words with behavior. If you want your boyfriend to respect your social life, and he isn't, show him you won't tolerate this lack of respect.
- Say something like, "You're not listening to me and this isn't getting us anywhere. I'm going for a walk." Then, leave for a few hours to give your boyfriend a chance to calm down.
3
Remind yourself of your own worth. Living with a chronically disrespectful person can drain your self esteem. You may start to feel you are not worth things like love and respect. This is not the case. Everyone has worth, so remind yourself of yours when necessary.
- Most people have some areas in their lives they could use to improve. However, this does not mean you don't deserve love or respect. Just because you're, say, a little messy does not give your boyfriend the right to yell at or berate you constantly.
- Remind yourself of of this. Adopt a personal mantra. Try something like, "I matter. I deserve respect. I deserve love."
4
Think about taking a break from the relationship. If someone keeps disrespecting you, you don't have to stay in the relationship. If you consistently feel controlled, uncomfortable, or unhappy with someone, the relationship is probably not worth your time. There's nothing wrong with walking away if someone is not respecting you.

Expert Q&A
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What are some signs of disrespect in a relationship?

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

The biggest one is that they don't consider you in the physical space, like brushing past you or not greeting you when you come into the room. Not making eye contact is another big one—they should at least glance at you.